Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Treehouse Improvement Wars

By the Boiler Room Elves

As Commentarama readers may remember, the Boiler Room Elves took advantage of the dear leader's little-known Treehouse Tax Credit last year. (Yes, the Elf lobby is surprisingly strong. . .) Well, having settled into our new Keebler Oak, we've discovered a game that seemingly plays out around the world - Treehouse Improvement Wars.

In the large elm to the left live a nice older couple. Let's call them the Winky's. In the poplar on the right live the Bobbin's.

When we first moved in, everyone seemed nice, without a hint of competitiveness. That’s how things stayed, until we undertook re-landscaping the front yard - new plants, a path to the side gate, and an additional tree in the back for a guest house.

As we worked, we noticed the Bobbin's outside, going up and down ladders, painting the trim. Suddenly, our trim didn’t look so good. Soon, we were painting too. Then we saw workmen going in and out of the Winky’s, carrying rolls of linoleum. Something was up.

The Bobbin’s noticed this too and soon began sprucing up their lawn. Well, we couldn’t let this go unchallenged. No no no, we Boiler Room elves were not about to rest on our considerable laurels, so we painted the wooden picket fence in the front yard. Yet, no sooner had we put brush to picket than Mrs. Bobbin came out and said, in her ever-cheery, high-pitched way, "Don't be getting too spiffy over there!" Of course, we couldn’t help but notice the Home Depot card in her hand, and unlike Joe Biden we were pretty sure she knew where it was located. . . and here we thought she was a nice, cookie-baking grandma! Now we see the truth.

The next morning, the Winky’s tried to sneak in a paintjob before anyone woke up, but we caught them. Darn your cookies, we will not be outdone! It was time to up the fight: where’s that number from the patio guy with the water feature and statue of St. Elfmo?

But try as we might, no matter what we spent, we couldn’t shake the Winky’s or the Bobbin’s. Soon things were being done left and right. We Elves weren't planning on painting the outside, nor were we planning on redoing the kitchen (it's mostly industrial-grade ovens anyway), but we will not be defeated!

Finally, we learned a truism: there truly is no winner in war. . . except Home Depot.

Wait, that’s not what we learned, of course there are winners in war, and we plan to be that winner. No, we learned that you can never be too rich, too over-cookied, too well armed, or too familiar with Home Depot!

Oh, and we need a raise.

So, Bossmen, what are you guys doing to improve your houses?"


23 comments:

  1. it is better to have fought and won than never to have fought at all.

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  2. And we aim to win, Jed... we aim to win...

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  3. Jed, LOL! Nice!

    Elves, nice article! I'm glad to hear you're using all the money we pay you well.

    In terms of what we plan to fix up. . . oh where to begin? The yard probably needs a lot of work. Plus there are walls that should be knocked down, and it would be kind of cool to add an addition to the back.

    Isn't home ownership great?

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  4. Well, Bossman, the dear leader's debt panel is looking to get rid of mortgage tax deduction. On the one hand, we strongly want smaller government and an easier tax system. On the other hand, we think this is more a way to punish home owners and change the "American dream" to be more aligned with what liberal city planners want for all of us. Grrrr!

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  5. Oh, and Bossman, yeah, your yard could use some fixing up... we're just sayin'!

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  6. Elves, I think liberals would love to force people to leave their homes and move into these densely-pact communities, formerly known as "communes." That's something we need to resist... though I don't think the American people will fall for it anyway.

    Yeah, the yard needs help. Maybe we should hire Commentarama Garden Gnomes?

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  7. Actually, I recently spruced up the area around my apartment--if by "spruced up" you mean "chunked a rotting and moldy jack-o'-lantern down the stairs and onto the first floor landing, then got guilty and swept most of the remains into the backyard." Because we all need to do our bit to improve our little corner of the world.

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  8. Sounds like you're going to give Martha Stewart a run for her money, T!

    Bossman, don't mention those gnomes. There are still some hard feelings around here regarding that incident!

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  9. I cleaned my room! (I live with my grandparents as I work on my slow journey through grad school.) I'm grateful to whomever invented doors that close! :-)


    on a slightly related subject -- do you and you significant other have comparable "clutter tolerances"? I have a theory that many a marriage (and rooommate arrangement) has been torpedoed by too great a difference in "clutter tolerances".

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  10. LOL! Good luck with your war! Sounds like you've got the competition well in hand! I'd like to get a new deck out back, but I don't pull down "Elf Money"!

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  11. Elves, At least the Gnomes never pressed charges!


    rlaWTX, What's clutter?


    Ed, Elf Money isn't as much as you think it might be. You're thinking Leprechaun money... we couldn't afford that.

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  12. We pay you elves well so you can afford to buy your own homes and maintain them. We discovered that renters in general don't really give a damn about their residences because they can always just move when they've let the place fall apart. Or they can just destroy the place and demand the landlord fix it.

    On the other hand, we've discovered that we can no longer afford to give you health insurance, and we have to lay six of you off. Please send your complaints to Barack Hussein Obama at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

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  13. I'd double think those layoffs, Bossman LawHawk! It'd be a real shame if something happened to these boilers down here!

    RLA - We Elves suffer from severe "horizontal surface syndrome" and are surrounded by clutter. We can't even stand to have horizontal tops to our shoes!

    We'll be dreaming about earning Leprechaun money now! And Bossman Andrew, you did some sweet talking to get out of those charges.

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  14. So, Elves, how does living in tree work exactly? Do you have a wood burning stove?

    How is it possibly that even the ELVES get to own and I don't! It's not fair and I am still kicking myself for not buying when we didn't actually need any money to buy!

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  15. Bev, You don't get to own because you live in New York City, and the person allowed to own in NYC is Donald Trump! ;-)


    Elves, Those Gnomes had it coming.

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  16. Somehow we were elected again to do Thanksgiving. I have a different proposal, and since it would seem you guys are considering laying off six elves, could we hire those guys to do the cooking and cleaning? If so what would it cost? And can we expand the menu beyond cookies? I don’t want to hire the same ones that do the Commentarama shakedowns, between you and I, they’re evil little bastards, I’m current if they’re looking on.

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  17. StanH: I suggest you get Cooking Elves and Cleaning Elves rather than hire old and cranky Boiler Room Elves. The Cooking Elves have a much broader repetoire of recipes than just cookies and the Cleaning Elves will dust in all the corners and do windows...And they whistle while they work! Oh, wait, that's dwarves...nevermind.

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  18. Darn Bev, we could use the help. Dwarves would be cool.

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  19. Bev, life in trees is wonderful. Ask any environmentalist. Personally, we Elves like to use a little thing we call "magic" to stay warm and cook and not fall out while we sleep. We're not sure how you humans will handle it.

    Patti, that is something every home could use!

    Stan, Stan, Stan... we've been reading your comments. What makes you think we'd undercook your stuffing and leave the turkey at room temp too long before serving you??

    In any case, Bev has the best idea - hire dwarves for cleaning. They love digging through dirt.

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  20. Stan - don't worry, we'll protect you from the Elven backlash, but only for as long as it doesn't effect our relationship with the Elves. After that, you're on your own. Sorry, I love cookies too much to jeapardize my supply...

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  21. Elves, So you use Magic Chef appliances then? I thought it was just a brand name, not a cooking method!

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  22. It's even a patented method, Bev! How many cookies were we putting you down for this Christmas?

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