“That Certain Part Of The Male Anatomy” -- Huh?

I like to think of myself as a keen observer of the modern world. But lately, something has arise that, frankly, has me stumped. According to a, oh how shall I put this. . . b*tch goddess on late night television, my performance may not be what it used to be. It’s not exactly clear what she’s talking about, but in her angry, condescending way, she seems quite certain that something on me is not up to standards anymore.

Apparently, it’s not my fault, but, as I age, a loss of testosterone causes things to shrink. Indeed, a much more pleasant young lady informs me that if I take the pills she is offering, "a certain part" of my anatomy will again become larger.

Here’s the problem though. I’m not entirely sure what part of my anatomy they’re talking about, because they never do tell me. So I got to looking. And sure enough, it turns out they are right. My elbows seem to be smaller than they were when I was younger. . . I’ve got EDS (Elbonic Definitive Shrinkage)!

Now I was always raised to believe that it’s not the size of your elbows that matter, it’s the range of motion. But I will admit to being concerned. This issue seems to be very important to these two ladies, and I wonder how it will affect my social life if I don’t rectify this situation immediately.

So I’ve debated taking these pills. Unfortunately, the FDA has not evaluated their claims. Thus, I am concerned about adverse side-effects. What if my elbows go limp or lock up, or God-forbid I become double jointed? And if they do grow again, will my shirts still fit?

I wish I knew the answers.

Damn you late night television for making me insecure.