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Who knew those innocent faces were out to kill me? AOL Senior Public Health Correspondent Andrew Schneider has saved billions of lives by warning us of this dangerous practice. Oh, sure, he admits that the benefits of living that closely with your pets are well known. Scientific evidence which is essentially undisputed has proven that being close to our pets relieves human stress, decreases cholesterol and triglyceride levels, increases human immune functions, and gives our hearts a healthy dose of love. It is one of the few successful methods of home relief of traumatic stress disorder among returning fighting men and women exposed to the horrors of the battlefield.
But what is any of that compared to the risk of contracting zoonoses? No, that's not a nasal disease you get from visiting the zoo--it's a disease transmitted from animals to humans. Now this guy is a two-time Pulitzer Prize winner, so what he says must be true, right? He craftily avoided discussing whether you can get a zoonose from polar bears, so can the junk science chatter. Here's the proof: "The risk for transmission of zoonotic agents by close contact between pets and their owners through bed-sharing, kissing, or licking is real and has even been documented for life-threatening infections such as plague, internal parasites, [and most sinister of all] other serious diseases." He was delicate enough not to mention the dangers of having sex with your pets on your bed.
What makes this even scarier is that his report is going to be published by the Centers for Disease Control. Once a federal agency is involved, can the bed police be far behind? The Supreme Court has said that we have a right to privacy and the right to sleep with whomever we wish without governmental interference, but who knows if that applies to sleeping with Fido or Puff? Let alone with Fido and Puff.
The author cited three worldwide examples to prove his thesis. Three's a lot, isn't it? I know it's a crowd. One was a 9 year old in Arizona who got the plague. He regularly slept with his cat. A man and his wife developed a serious staph infection. They routinely slept with their dog in the bed, and, God help us all, the dog frequently licked their faces. In far-off Japan, a woman contracted meningitis. She had kissed her dog's face. "Concurrence is not causation" you say? You're the same kind of people who denied that breast implants were a direct cause of cancer and got saccharin removed from the market because it causes cancer in rats in high doses (rather than the simple fact that it left a really bad aftertaste).
The study had a full set of other cases where the closeness to pets may or may not have caused a serious human infection, but hey, we have to err on the side of caution. And of course there's the well-known worldwide deadly epidemic of cat-scratch fever (which can also be caused by overexposure to Ted Nugent, but that's another story). The disease largely affects children (the children! the children!), and about 20,000 contract the disease annually worldwide. It can be deadly, but that same CDC has absolutely no figures to show how many deaths have actually occurred in the industrial West.
The CDC's own website reports that "although animals can carry germs, it is important to know that you are more likely to get some of these germs from contaminated food or water than from your pet or any other animal you encounter." Oh, swell, that means I can't eat or drink in bed anymore either.
About 84% of pet owners report that their pets sleep with them at night. Schneider and the CDC are currently revising a certain hockey-stick graph to fit the horrendous increase in deadly disease transmission from exhaled pet CO2, and will then turn the information over to the EPA and Al Gore for further action and regulaton. So kiss Fido good bye (figuratively of course), and wish a fond farewell to Puff, and send them off to the back yard or laundry room at night. It's a matter of life or death. And just who the hell is that giggling in the background?
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