Friday, July 22, 2011

Photo Challenges Polar Bear Study

The United States Geological Survey recently published a study in which it determined that polar bears are losing cubs and losing weight because of the longer distances between ice floes occasioned by global warming. The long swim from floe to floe is allegedly causing illness and death amongst our furry white friends.

Commentarama's crack investigative reporters have blown a hole in that theory with our featured photo of how polar bears actually get from one floe to another and then back to the mainland or large, solid ice packs. The USGS study carefully followed a huge sampling of female polar bears with cubs (eleven, to be exact, or twenty, or sixty-eight, depending on which part of the report you're reading) by the use of GPS collars from 2004 to 2009. I know it was a long swim (around thirty miles), but the USGS didn't mention how heavy the GPS collars were. Perhaps that weighed them down and made the swim more difficult.

The study concentrated on polar bear mothers and cubs swimming in the area around the Chukchi and southern Beaufort seas, an area where the distance between floes did increase, at least until 2007. But that is only one part of the true picture. The USGS purposely avoided other areas where the distances have decreased and polar bears smart enough to know where those areas exist are having a good laugh at their dumber sisters.

In fact, our intrepid reporters took a candid photo of some of the smarter bears taking a break between padding their larders doing Coca Cola commercials. Using a sound camera, the reporter caught the bears complaining about the rigorous duties of having to drink gallons of Coke just to get the right shot. The cubs are not shown, since they had rebelled and were off at another location doing their own Coke commercials (the moms weren't sharing the profits).

Of the eleven mothers studied by the USGS, it was found that dependent cubs survived the swims in six cases, but five cubs could not be found after the long-distance swim. In defense of its study, USGS zoologist George Durner said that they could not be sure that the cubs drowned. "But the evidence suggests long-distance swimming may be risky. I wish we had better information to see whether the mortality was actually occurring. That would give us a lot more information, but we don't have that." In other words: If they had the information, they'd have the information. But why do you need information when you can just guess?

Once again, our reporters found the missing cubs, who weren't actually missing at all. They just knew where they should be swimming. We caught one of the cubs during a break, sharing a Coke and a smile with a friendly penguin. When we confronted the USGS spokesmen, they were shocked to discover that we had uncovered the truth. We even had the sound portions in which the cub and the penguin are practicing "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing." Their reply to our accusation was: "But, but, but, but, but . . . "

The USGS study had also pointed blame for the disappearing ice floes and the resulting increased swimming distances at global warming caused by greedy corporations. What they failed to point out is that responsible corporations were aware that in certain limited areas, the ice floe distances were indeed increasing. So they provided swimmy floats for the bears that chose to remain in those areas. Clearly, the USGS has an agenda which includes ignoring the evidence right in front of their faces. Admittedly, Commentarama has a much larger budget than the USGS, and surely we have dozens more employees to investigate these matters (our Boiler Room Elves alone would dwarf the USGS staff). Still, some evidence is just too obvious to ignore.

Well, it's been exhausting debunking the USGS report, and the temperature here in Caliente will approach 105 today. So I'll close now, and head for the refrigerator to get a Coke. (Full disclosure, I am not now, nor have I ever been, an employee, consultant, affiliate or associate of the Coca Cola Corporation)


Tennessee Jed said...

Great pictures, Hawk. Still, I must ask, are you not down with the struggle? Do you realize how environmentally unfriendly your post (not to mention this site) is? Have you, a former lib, forgotten the impodtant "end justifies the means" screed we use to support every lame brained lie we tell?

This is yet another example of how politics infects every damn things these people do.

T-Rav said...

If you ask me, this news directly implicates Coca-Cola in the cubs' disappearance. You know if you put a tooth in glass of Coke and leave it there overnight, it'll dissolve, right? And it's gotta be pretty hard to eat fish and whatnot without teeth. Therefore, Coke is killing polar bears. I wish I had information about this, but it's not hard to understand why I'm right.

Unknown said...

Tennessee: Back when I turned my coat and joined the vast right-wing conspiracy, I decided to specialize in counter-propaganda. What I "realize" is irrelevant to the cause. And when confronted by a liberal propagandist, I merely tell him "you taught me everything I know." LOL

Unknown said...

T-Rav: Did you know that if you drop a worm in a bottle of tequila, the worm will die? You're missing the message. If you want to cure a case of worms, drink tequila. If you want those polar bears out of your back yard, leave a case of Coke near the trash. It may kill them eventually, but they won't die of hunger, thirst, or long-distance swims. In the long run, isn't that more humane?

AndrewPrice said...

Sounds like the USGS has some bias problems. I wonder how much this politi-study cost the taxpayers?

Unknown said...

Andrew: Money is no object when it comes to protecting polar bears (and stopping the apocalyptic global warming).

Unknown said...

The World Wildlife Federation has published a study that they say "essentially confirms the USGS study." When asked how they explain the substantial increase in overall polar bear populations in the past ten years despite global warming, they replied "we can't." Our investigative reporters delved deeper, and found that all members of the WWF drink Pepsi. I'm not sure what that signifies. If I had all the information, I'd have all the information.

T-Rav said...

LawHawk, maybe we're all misreading this information. Maybe the polar bear deaths aren't due to "Coke" but "coke." Hey, how else could their fur have gotten so white? There's a lot of dust left afterwards, that's all I'm saying.

Unknown said...

T-Rav: You may be on to something. I have noticed that the bears have sudden bursts of energy, followed by bouts of lethargy and depression. But you must admit they're good at disguising the powder on their black noses. Maybe they're smoking it?

Joel Farnham said...


In 2004, it was determined that baby polar bears were drowning due to having to swim long distances because the Ice Floes were disappearing at an alarming rate. USGS report.

Here is the question I have. How do they know it was drowning unless they did dozens if not hundreds of autopsies? Too many times we take "authority at their word" when we really shouldn't.

Knut, the adorable baby polar bear drowned this year in his enclosed habitat. The problem is what precipitated the drowning, not the drowning itself. He had a brain disorder and was in the pool when it happened. Yet, the headlines is he drowned. Technically, yes, but a better headline is "Knut's Brain Disorder caused his Drowning." Far more accurate.

USGS has created out of whole cloth reports which are never substantiated, but are sited by Global Warming enthusiasts. I guess with such an impressive title, we should respect USGS. I don't.

Unknown said...

Joel: The USGS people suffer from the same syndrome as Knut, and they don't want it made public (for them or the polar bears).

Tehachapi Tom said...

For the first time in over a decade there will be snow in the high sierras in August.It is being reported that possibly still into September when the new snow starts to fall.
As for your temperature with a name like Caliente what can you expect?
Change the local designation to Frio Grande and you will be able to expect change, and we all like change.

Unknown said...

Tehachapi Tom: Just remember that they keep covering their tracks by telling us poor idiots that "climate" and "weather" are not the same thing. We already knew that, and the weather and climate are both getting colder (although I'd never know it in today's heat).

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