Friday, February 11, 2011

Who's A Chicken?

You all know that this is a high-tone conservative opinion site. But in pursuit of the goal of becoming the HuffPo of the right, I felt that we needed a few more of those news alerts about items that you wouldn't hear about anywhere else. As a Second Amendment purist, I support the right to bear arms as a sacred individual right. And I don't limit it to guns. Here's an example of the right to bear knives as exercised in California.

Kern County Headline: "Knife-wielding bird kills local man." See what happens when you oppress angry males? This is a story of how simple physical size and strength is not enough to win against a smaller potential victim who is armed to the beak. Jose Luis Ochoa, a resident of Lamont, California, was known to the local authorities to be a chicken-oppressor. He was well-known in the cockfighting community. Ochoa took innocent young roosters away from their families, taught them how to commit dangerously illegal tasks, imprisoned them in filthy cages, fed their lust with voluptuous young hens, and paid them chickenfeed.

No right thinking being with any self-respect will tolerate this kind of maltreatment for long. And though he would otherwise have been denied his Second Amendment rights, this rooster was no chicken. While the oppressor's attention was focused elsewhere, this proud gamecock deviously attached a very sharp, very large knife to his leg. Ochoa and his fellow oppressors sent two of the gladiators into the Tulare County arena, but instead of the usual feathered blood sport, this guy turned on his tormentors and attacked Ochoa. He went for the jugular, but apparently missed and hit the femoral artery instead. Rumors circulate that the rooster's name is Spartacus, but I don't yet have independent verification of that.

Ochoa did not expire immediately, but instead fled when the local police arrived at the arena. Deputies found five dead avian gladiators and other evidence of cockfighting, but their masters and arena-owners were nowhere to be found. There is some evidence that if Ochoa had remained at the scene instead of fleeing, his injury might not have cost him his life. The autopsy conducted in neighboring Kern County determined that Ochoa died of "sharp force injury." Ochoa had tried to make it to his home in Lamont, but decided he'd better stop off at a Bakersfield hospital first. He didn't quite make it.

Ochoa apparently hoped not to be caught and charged for cockfighting. He had already paid a $370 fine earlier in the year on the same charge. In California, a first offense is a misdemeanor but a second offense is a felony. Ochoa didn't want to be placed in the same kind of iron cage he kept his roosters in. What he didn't realized is that unlike the chickens, the caged humans get HBO.

Now you can't say we don't do breaking news. And I learned something as well. As a lawyer, I knew a second gladiatorial offense was a felony. But it took finding this story in the deep recesses of local newspapers to realize it carried the death penalty. It sounds like rough justice to me. As a sidenote, the ACLU (American Chicken Liberties Union) has offered to represent the rooster and offer the battered-bird syndrome as a defense. So far, however, nobody seems interested in prosecuting.

37 comments:

T_Rav said...

LawHawk, can we get Gloria Allred for the rooster's defense? Or does she only help battered hens?

LimeyLibertarian said...

Could the chicken claim eggstenuating circumstances?

thankyouverymuch:-)

LL said...

I take it that cock fighting was actually rooster fighting?

As a former SF residence, Law Hawk, I think it takes on a whole different meaning there in the City by the Bay.

But I digress. I think you all have taken a big step in your journey to become the next Huff

StanH said...

Well cock-a-doodle-doo!

It would seem that there is a god, and Ochoa will meet his…scumbag - -and Spartacus is indeed cock of the walk.

Patti said...

law: high-tone indeed! i have a suggestion for commentaram's alerts: use a smoking gun graphic or a jabbing knife, ala drudge's rotating siren.

wadda think?!

Joel Farnham said...

Spartacus is up in the mountains gathering his cocks. He has been seen raiding farms for food and other like minded animals. There are reports that he has attacked some of the delta smelt. The last hasn't been independently confirmed.

Brown has not been available for comment. Enviros will be up in arms when they learn that Spartacus has hurt the delta smelt.

More breaking news as it comes in.

LawHawkRFD said...

T_Rav: I have inside information that you lack. Gloria Allred and the rooster share the same hairdresser. Gloria has offered her services. She's only asking for exclusive publication rights as her fee.

LawHawkRFD said...

LimeyLibertarian: You have just won the "Legal Eggsellence Award" for the month. Congratulations!

LawHawkRFD said...

LL: The longest journey starts with but a single peck. Look out, Arianna.

AndrewPrice said...

Hmmm, chicken! Conspiracy theories would say this chicken was designed by Colonel Sanders. . . except it's only got two legs.

T_Rav said...

LawHawk, thanks for the info. I'd been wondering if she was starting to cater to fellow non-humans.

LawHawkRFD said...

Stan: Apparently Spartacus has escaped and has gathered his flock of avian gladiators in the Sequoia National Forest. They originally intended to march on Bakersfield, but were cut off by the Seventh Legion of the US Forest Service. It is rumored they are now intending instead to strut into the very heart of Sacramento instead. Alternatively, they have been in contact with a clutch of seagull pirates, and may attempt to escape by sea.

Where are Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis when we need them? They waited all their lives to play these parts in a widescreen spectacular.

LawHawkRFD said...

Patti: I suggested a large cock with a bloody knife to Andrew. He hasn't replied yet, but I heard a loud thud immediately after I made the suggestion. Perhaps I should have phrased it differently.

rlaWTX said...

ouch

LawHawkRFD said...

Joel: You have found the main reason that the chicken rebellion is so popular with oppressed and enslaved Californians. At last, a pheasant army has turned back the elite green legions of the depraved nobility and is rapidly depleting the Delta smelt population. Long live the revolution! Die, smelt, die!

LawHawkRFD said...

T_Rav: She hasn't entirely converted. It is well-known that she absolutely hated Rooster Cogburn.

Tennessee Jed said...

rough justice, indeed, Hawk. This reminds me of one of my favorite Hitcock t.v. shows where a guy ground up his wife and mixed her in with the chicken feed. Sir Alfred, appearing at the end of the episode (as was his way) made comments about how robust the chickens were looking. "one day , as he was shouldering his way through the chickens, he slipped" Well, you get the idea. Keep up the breaking news!!

LawHawkRFD said...

rlaWTX: Well said. That was sorta my reaction too. LOL

But despite the violence, in order to remain philosophically consistent I had to support the right of roosters to bear knives since I've always supported the right to arm bears.

LawHawkRFD said...

Andrew: As they used to say on Laugh In, "Another chicken joke? How rude!" There have been rumors that after bringing down his tormentor, Spartacus tore off a piece of the slavemaster's flesh and ate it. It is also rumored that he crowed: "Hmmm! It tastes just like chicken."

Joel Farnham said...

Crassus Pelosi has organized and regrouped the green legions. Spartacus has gathered his followers on the south side of the Golden Gate bridge. She will advance on him when it is determined his Chinese escape boats have been stopped.

Pompey Newsom will be in the actual final assault on Spartacus the Cock. This slave revolt of the chickens looks to be ending soon. Julius Brown still unavailable for comment.

patti said...

law: large cocks and bloody knives....who you been talking to? Loraine?!

LawHawkRFD said...

Tennessee: I already mentioned the lack of Tony Curtis and Kirk Douglas to star in the movie version of this story. Now you've reminded me of who would have been the perfect director. As the ads said of his Daphne du Maurier movie adaptation: "The Birds Is Coming."

LawHawkRFD said...

Joel: I have it on inside information from the capital that General Brown has secretly moved his Green Legion to the south, and plans to trap Spartacus at Lodi in a pincers movement with General Pelosi attacking from the north. THERE'S NO ESCAPE. They're already setting up chicken-size crosses along El Camino Real.

BevfromNYC said...

It was only a matter of time before the animals started fighting back...ooh, it's so "Animal Farm"-ish.

I will really be worried when the lettuce and tomatoes team up with brocolli. I've never trusted brocolli...

LawHawkRFD said...

Bev: I think you are very cruel. Vegetables are people too, and don't you forget it. You are clearly a speciesist.

Joel Farnham said...

LawHawk,

I heard that Brown put Pompey (Pompous ?sp) Newsome in charge of his legion. If the rumor is true, Pompey may get credit for ending this instead of Pelosi.

What are the political ramifications if Spartacus, his cocks and followers escape Crass Pelosi?

LawHawkRFD said...

Joel: Ah, sadly, if they succeed in fleeing the coop, they will become a footnote to history. Spartacus told his inside circle that his only goal was to get his troops free of oppression, not to start a general revolution.

As for Gaius Pompous Newsom, he's already in trouble with the Senate for holding both the position of Tribune of Sanctus Franciscus and Sub-Dictator of Sacramento at the same time. His talents for bribing, imbibing and womanizing are well-known, but he is known best for his ability to straddle multiple fences at the same time, not for leading the troops into battle.

Joel Farnham said...

LawHawk,

I heard the exact opposite. If Spartacus succeeds, it will inspire the other slaves to revolt. The slavers, er.. enviros won't be satisfied unless Spartacus is brought into Sacramento in chains.

Gaius Pompous Newsome scores another undeserved victory. He may be in charge of Brown's legion but he is only a figure-head.

How much longer? Spartacus must be feeling the heat.

StanH said...

It’s been reported, that courageous cock was seen in the middle of the Golden Gate where everyone froze in awe, as he proclaimed, “I am Spartacus!” Knowing the gig was up, the hens Brown & Pelosi flew the coop - - the pecking order has indeed changed.

Bev opstay talking about ocollibray the egatablevay rebellion is at hand. I repeat, the ve - egatablevay is at hand.

T_Rav said...

I don't fully understand this conversation, but it makes me even happier I don't live in California.

LawHawkRFD said...

Joel, Joel: Don't you know how species-neutrality actually works? Only a bird can know the mind of another bird. I know what a Hawk is, but what kind of bird is a Farnham? My sources would never speak to a non-member of the Vast Bird Conspiracy. Case closed. LOL

Wait! I've figured it out. A Farnham is a kind of egetablevay. Congratulations! You are now our official envoy, reporter, and news-gatherer for the Leafy Kingdom. At this rate, we'll be kicking the crap out of HuffPo in nothing flat. Allow me to suggest that if the internet is down, you will undoubtedly be granted access to the telegraph vine.

LawHawkRFD said...

Stan: You made the same mistake as the Obama administration. You got ahead of the news. That was a Spartacus lookalike on the Bridge, and the army is in complete control of the situation. Brown says that he will not be forced out of the office that he and the unions bought and paid for. He is of noble lineage, and he will not allow an ignorant pheasant rabble to take over his domain.

LawHawkRFD said...

T_Rav: Don't feel left out. Nobody understands what's going on in California.

BevfromNYC said...

Uh-oh, AnStey! What have you eardhey from the apevinegray? You can always count on the apegrays to spill the eanbeys...

LawHawkRFD said...

Bev: You guys do know that you're using pig latin, an animal dialect, don't you? Shouldn't you be using fig latin?

BevfromNYC said...

But Awkhey, egetableveys and uitfreys can't eakspey igpey-atinley...can they?

LawHawkRFD said...

Bev: I honestly don't know. I suppose I'll have to go ask an igpay or an igfay. I'll get back to you. These critters are devious, and they may deny the actual extent of their secret knowledge.

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