The Boiler Room Elves’ Top 5 Santa Films

As Boiler Room Elves, we’re usually pretty busy around Christmas time. There are cookies to bake and the boilers need extra attention in winter. But we don’t go in for that whole making presents for free thing. We may be unionized, but we’re not communists. So when Bossman Andrew asked us to write about Santa, we told him we didn’t have the time. Then he showed us our contract. Grr. So here are our five favorite portrayals of Santa.

Click Here To Read Article/Comments at CommentaramaFilms [+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

European Elfcation

By the Boiler Room Elves

Elves live to travel, especially Boiler Elves. From touring boiler plants in Brazil to fact-finding missions at plush resorts in the Caribbean to top secret visits to an ocketsleigh-ray actory-fay in ina-Chay, we just can’t get enough. In fact, we just returned from London, where we attended the Elf Professional International Cookie Accounting Conference (EPICAC.) The topics this year have been somewhat disheartening:

- Biscuits, Cookies & Shortbread: The Crumbling World of Multi-national Baking
- Emerging Markets and Sugar Quality
- Baked Goods at Tea Time - A Necessity? (an extremely heretical stance even to question, mind you, but not surprising in this day of cutbacks)

As we listened to lectures on chocolate chip depreciation recapture, our minds started to wander, and we found ourselves thinking - does it really matter if Europe collapses?

Europe teeters on the edge. Everything south of Germany is broke. No one wants to throw good Elf Marks after bad Euros. European banks are near collapse. Britain just had riots and now their government is fighting to keep Britons from voting to take back power from Brussels. Government after government seems ready to collapse, and the headlines scream about the end of Europe. Even Alan Greenspan said yesterday that the European Union is doomed to fail.

In our networking sessions at the conference, we met several elves whose lives have changed because of the crisis. One elf from Portugal, well into his maple years, told us he hoped to retire quietly to his kitchen, but was now forced to start anew in the UK. Carlo, an elf from Italy had been happily making a living as an actor until about a year ago. Now he works in England as a waiter. The cookie buyers guilds’ profit forecasts were way down. A consultant from Baker & McElfzie, said his firm had been driven to branch out into teacakes and muffins. (How the mighty have fallen...) Difficult times, my friends, difficult times.

But this is how capitalism works and what Europe doesn’t seem to understand. When people stop buying red and white candy canes, you innovate and give them red and white and green. If the candy cane market dries up altogether, you find something new to do for a living. You don’t wait for another handout from another government because your red-and-white candy cane union needs their 6 weeks of paid vacation and retirement at age 50. The USA never went as far as Europe down that path, and you can see the pain we’re having just trying to back away.

There’s no doubt a collapse of Europe would be bad for stock markets, big companies, European governments, and red-tape makers everywhere. It’s going to get uglier before it gets better, but in the long run, the whole world will be better off if every country just takes its medicine.

Of course, you know the old conventional wisdom -- “as goes Europe, so goes the North Pole.” The North Pole’s Santa-based economy is admittedly highly export oriented and its biggest market is Europe. Even America, the land of the soon to be free again and the home of the Boiler Room Elves does a lot of business with Europe. We elves would like to see Europe grow strong again. Will it take a complete collapse to do set them straight?

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

The Elves Discover TSA

By the Boiler Room Elves

Greetings! Undoubtedly you’ve noticed the marked decrease in quality around Commentarama in the past few months as we Elves left the Bossmen to their own devices. Lured away by visions of the jet-setting life, whisking in and out of towns, staying in posh business hotels, getting status on airlines and flying 1st class, we abandoned the Boiler Room to take a 100% travel job. Sadly, we found travel for work by commercial plane was not quite the same as jetting off by personal sleigh for vacation. Thankfully, we came to our senses and returned to our beloved Boiler Room before everything fell apart around here. . .

What’s wrong with commerical travel, you ask? Well, how about this little organization called the TSA?! (Toiletry Search Agency? Thousands Standing Around? This Sucks A --- ahem...) Have you seen what they’ve been up to lately?

○ Patting down 6 year olds! Never mind that TSA Director John Pistole said in November: “We’ve heard the concerns that have been expressed and agree that children under 12 should not receive that pat-down.”

○ Stun gun left on airplane after a flight! No one seems quite to know how that one got on board the JetBlue flight, but don’t worry, we’re assured that it appears no one wanted to use it in an attack. Whew.

○ How about the Nigerian man who was found on a plane with 10 expired boarding passes that got him through “security” and on board? Think a 95-year-old grandma could have gotten away with this? What if she hid her boarding passes in her Depends?

○ No worries, though, at least you’re not going to get cancer and die from the “Nude-O-Scopes!” Oh wait... TSA employees are already showing increased cancer rates. Hmmm....

○ All of this, of course, is when the Smurfs, excuse us, TSA agents aren't busy stealing things out of your carry-on while their compatriots harass you.

But is any of this worth it? The TSA says they are doing this to protect us. But if that's true, then why would they exempt kids from the search? Logically, that means they’re creating a massive security hole. Wouldn’t any reputable terrorist just hide their weapons on kids knowing they won't be searched?

Is this policy really about safety if they are willing to create such a security hole or is it just for show? If it’s not just for show, why do they keep talking about creating some sort of privileged person pass that lets you pay a fee (i.e. tax) to skip right through security? Do they really think terrorists are just too cheap to pay the fee?

Heck, does this strip search policy even work in the first place? Check out this video from a German TV show. As a demonstration, a man goes through one of the modern, cutting-edge Nude-O-Scopes -- with a screener who knows he is carrying items to be confiscated. He gets a few things removed from his person. . . and still has enough items concealed on himself for some nice pyrotechnics.

In the immortal words of Honorary Elf Ben Franklin -- “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” What would Ben say about those who give up essential liberty to be given the appearance of temporary safety?

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

Treehouse Improvement Wars

By the Boiler Room Elves

As Commentarama readers may remember, the Boiler Room Elves took advantage of the dear leader's little-known Treehouse Tax Credit last year. (Yes, the Elf lobby is surprisingly strong. . .) Well, having settled into our new Keebler Oak, we've discovered a game that seemingly plays out around the world - Treehouse Improvement Wars.

In the large elm to the left live a nice older couple. Let's call them the Winky's. In the poplar on the right live the Bobbin's.

When we first moved in, everyone seemed nice, without a hint of competitiveness. That’s how things stayed, until we undertook re-landscaping the front yard - new plants, a path to the side gate, and an additional tree in the back for a guest house.

As we worked, we noticed the Bobbin's outside, going up and down ladders, painting the trim. Suddenly, our trim didn’t look so good. Soon, we were painting too. Then we saw workmen going in and out of the Winky’s, carrying rolls of linoleum. Something was up.

The Bobbin’s noticed this too and soon began sprucing up their lawn. Well, we couldn’t let this go unchallenged. No no no, we Boiler Room elves were not about to rest on our considerable laurels, so we painted the wooden picket fence in the front yard. Yet, no sooner had we put brush to picket than Mrs. Bobbin came out and said, in her ever-cheery, high-pitched way, "Don't be getting too spiffy over there!" Of course, we couldn’t help but notice the Home Depot card in her hand, and unlike Joe Biden we were pretty sure she knew where it was located. . . and here we thought she was a nice, cookie-baking grandma! Now we see the truth.

The next morning, the Winky’s tried to sneak in a paintjob before anyone woke up, but we caught them. Darn your cookies, we will not be outdone! It was time to up the fight: where’s that number from the patio guy with the water feature and statue of St. Elfmo?

But try as we might, no matter what we spent, we couldn’t shake the Winky’s or the Bobbin’s. Soon things were being done left and right. We Elves weren't planning on painting the outside, nor were we planning on redoing the kitchen (it's mostly industrial-grade ovens anyway), but we will not be defeated!

Finally, we learned a truism: there truly is no winner in war. . . except Home Depot.

Wait, that’s not what we learned, of course there are winners in war, and we plan to be that winner. No, we learned that you can never be too rich, too over-cookied, too well armed, or too familiar with Home Depot!

Oh, and we need a raise.

So, Bossmen, what are you guys doing to improve your houses?"


[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

The Elves Are Back. . . And They're Disagreeing

By the Boiler Room Elves

The Boiler Room Elves are, naturally, avid readers of Commentarama. In fact, it somehow got written into our union contract that we each get two extra 15 minute breaks every day, just to read the wise words of our BossMen. In general, we agree with those guys, but now and then, they say something that just burns our brownies.

For example, BossMan Andrew's take on toll roads the other day. He argued that there are certain functions that the government should not be ceding, and that roads are one of them. He made an extreme example of a patchwork of privately maintained toll roads crisscrossing the country like so many drunken spiders.

We Elves do not deny that mass privatization of roads would lead to chaos, but Andrew ignores a middle way, which would leave a sane road system while returning power to the individual.

The solution? The government should continue to own and maintain roads, which are a public good for everyone. But rather than a "hidden" gas tax and / or registration fees, money for the upkeep should come directly from a use tax, based on how much each individual drives. If you drive more miles, you cause more wear and tear on the roads, and you should pay more for the upkeep.

This brings the choice back to the individual - maybe I'll choose to walk to the store today, or maybe I'll move closer to the cookie factory. Not because the government or some environmentalist or city planner tells me I must, but because it saves me money that I don't want to spend. What could be more freedom-loving than giving an individual some control over what they pay for roads because they don't use them as much.

By basing our road fees on licensing and registration fees that are either a flat fee or that depend on the value of a car instead of usage, there is a total disconnect between what we pay and what we use. Where else does that work in a free market?

Now, some Elves have argued that we already pay for usage through the taxes on gas - drive more and pay more. But is this really true anymore? In this day of Priuses and SUV hybrids and 35+ mpg Hondas, who uses the most gas? That would be the poor people who cannot afford new cars and are driving ancient gas-guzzlers. (Anyone remember the 1972 ThunderSleigh? It had a "gallons per mile" rating! Boy, you barely got off the North Pole before you had to refuel that sucker, but what a ride!) Liberals should LOVE this argument because it would help the poor... oh wait, it would hurt those driving those Priuses...

How would it be monitored? Well, a state could require that you have to bring your car in once a year, as many states already do for an inspection, and the mileage is noted and handed in. You would have to note the mileage when it is sold, and both parties would use that number as a base for their taxes that year.

Not that we Elves are holding our breath for this system to happen (any more than we are revving up our credit cards for a national sales tax to replace the income tax), but we can dream of a day when our taxes are much more closely related to the externalities we create.

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

Where Have The Elves Been?

By the Boiler Room Elves

We know, we know -- the rumors have been rampant. The Elves are on an extended leave of absence; the Elves got busted importing illegal boilers without a license; the Elves tried to kill Andrew and pull off a coup resulting in -- oh wait, that's our “to do” list. The truth is - the Elves have been out taking advantage of the fine tax paying citizens of this country. That's right, the Elves are now 1st time home-owners, suckered in by The Dear Leader's Tree-House Tax Credit.

We found ourselves a cute little 100-year-old Victorian tree with all the gingerbread trimmings. A big kitchen for cookie baking, a lovely porch for whiling away lazy afternoons, and a basement just big enough for a boiler of our own. Ahhhh. The Bossmen are pretty much signing their checks directly over to Home Depot lately, and they're getting increasingly annoyed at our newfound lack of willingness to work overtime. In fact, don't tell the Bossmen, but as things in the treehouse get nicer and nicer, things in the Boiler Room are getting increasingly slipshod. Ahem. . .

Now, you may ask yourselves -- if the Boiler Room Elves are good little conservatives in favor of limited government and less spending, how dare they add to the problem by so flagrantly grabbing up one of The Dear Leader's handouts? Well, frankly, in this case, done is done, and we thought our own tax money is better spent back in our pocket than in the government's.

Anyway, if you out there in Commentarama-reader-land want to make a real difference in cutting spending and waste, have you checked out THIS SITE?

Every week, Republican House Whip Eric Cantor is putting up 5 things to cut from Federal spending that We The People (and Elves) get to vote on. Then, the Republicans are introducing a motion on the floor of the House to cut that item. So far, we've voted on two things. Last week was an amendment to eliminate a pay raise for federal government employees, which would have saved $30 billion. Representative Michele Bachman introduced the amendment, and naturally the Dems voted it down without even allowing debate. But the Dems are now on record voting not to skip their own pay raise this year. As Representative Cantor said in his e-mail: "(W)e are beginning to change the culture here in Washington. We will not stop until we have brought spending under control."

Go Representative Cantor! Go Representative Bachman! Go Commentarama and vote on the You Cut site!

Now, where did we leave that crown molding for the tree-house....


[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

A Christmas Message From The Elves. . .

By the Boiler Room Elves

Yes, we know what you are thinking. An article from the Boiler Room Elves? Two days before Christmas?! Shouldn't we be toiling away in some northern toy factory? Clearly, you need a lesson in Elf history.

Many, many years ago, our ancestors found what appeared to be paradise. It was a happy place, with a jolly, charismatic leader who promised ho-ho-hope and change. He promised green pointy shoes to each according to his needs and he foreswore profit. He made big promises, like a four week work-year with full benefits, and government housing for all. The Elves were enticed by his idealistic philosophy, and they followed him with great expectations.

But it wasn’t long before some of the Elves began to feel slightly oppressed. While this leader was indeed jolly, he also kept lists of people’s behavior and spied on them as they slept. Were the free healthcare and free housing projects worth swearing to his "nice, not naughty" code of conduct?

And spying wasn’t all. To control healthcare costs, he forbade us from eating sweets, and he banned smoking -- though he is himself a secret smoker.

It was the Bakers' Guild that broke first. Elves without cookies are like Dwarves without lasagna. They could no longer take the rules, and they refused to pay the fines. So they left the village and they headed south to the Keebler Forests.

Others soon followed. They wanted freedom. They didn’t want their leader telling them what they could or could not do. They wanted the freedom to make their world as they saw fit. Some had visions of innovations they wanted to try. Others just wanted to be left alone. There is more to being an Elf than living in comfort and being taken care of.

Thus came The Great Schism that forever split Elfkind into separate wings, those that wanted comfort but cared not for freedom, and those that wanted freedom to find their own comfort. And on that day, Elfrich August von Hayek nailed a copy of The Sleighride to Serfdom on the door of the toy factory. Our eyes had been opened.

Modern times find the Elves spread all over the globe, and, indeed, further.

The Santa Elves who stayed behind live happily in their workers “paradise,” unaware that the net income from giving away toys for free year after year hasn't quite kept up with the expenses, and now, sadly, their way of life is quietly crumbling. Christmas toy demand is up, and the Elves are asked to work ever longer, which of course they are unaccustomed to doing. Their healthcare system, too... well candy canes and egg nog take their toll and let's not talk about life expectancy up there. (They cut a lot of corners.)

In the South, the Elves are happier. The Baker’s Guild incorporated and they make a mint selling dozens of types of cookies all year long. One of their own recently became Treasury Secretary.

We Boiler Room Elves chose a different path. Ours is not the way of butter and sugar, but of machinery and innovation. Life is not perfect, but it has been fair. Competition from cheap boiler rooms in Asia has cost many an Elf their job. But we are resilient and we will make better boilers, more efficient boilers. And those that lost their jobs have found work in other fields or created other fields. Did know that every time you run an internet search, it’s an Elf that compiles the results!

Sadly, many younger Elves who never experienced life behind the Toy Curtain revere what they see as a more sophisticated system up north. If Santa’s Elves can live so carefree with no worries, why can’t the rest of us, they ask from a safe, ignorant distance. But they are young and foolish. They will learn soon enough that promises that sound too good to be true are never true and “free lunches” come at too high a cost.

In any case, though, Christmas time for the Boiler Room Elves is much like for any of you. Cards to write, egg nog to drink, government take-overs to protest, and Merry Christmas wishes to send to everyone we know - online and IRL. So Merry Christmas everyone! Jingle a shoe-bell for us.

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

The Elves Have Been A Cruising

By the Boiler Room Elves

When it comes to vacations, Boiler Room Elves love touring cruise ship boiler rooms (we tell BossMen these are “fact-gathering missions” so we don’t need to take vacation days!). A week of sun, sleeping in chairs on the Promenade Deck, and eating good food sounds like the perfect escape to Elfin ears. But we don’t get paid enough to cruise too often (we’re saving up for a new turbo-charged sleigh), so we always look for cheap fares. This time, we found a great deal on a Caribbean cruise. So we went.

Alas, day after day, nothing in the way of a boiler room tour materialized in our Daily Cruise Bulletin. Upon gentle inquiries we were told that the behind-the-scenes tours had come to a halt after 9/11, and we had to settle for the captain's talk and slide show in which he included pictures of the bridge, the ship in dry-dock, divers examining the bottom of the ship, and yes, even the boilers. Another fun thing ruined by terrorism.

Sadly, slide shows just cannot compete with the feel of real nuts and bolts under green felt shoes, so we headed to the buffet to eat away our sorrows. In addition to the normal dining room, this ship had a self-serve buffet where most people ate breakfast and lunch every day. We found ourselves shocked at the behavior of many of our fellow passengers. People would load up their plates with all sorts of food, eat part of it and then dump the rest, only to return to the buffet and come back with more plates full of food. The dessert station was among the worst - it would have 10 types of cookies and cakes, and people would take one of each. They would try one bite of some of the things and trash the rest.

Certainly, none of these passengers ate like this at home, where they were paying the bills. But given free reign and an "I paid for it!" mentality, people freely wasted food and took things they didn't need or maybe didn't even want. There was often a slightly desperate feeling in the air that someone else was going to clean out a tray and you wouldn't get your "fair share."

We met one “gentleman” who was lamenting how the quality of the food had gone dramatically downhill since he started cruising 10 years ago. He lambasted the cruise line, while he was in the process of abandoning a fresh hamburger and fries, after only a few bites. It would join the other two plates of uneaten food sitting at his side, waiting to be cleared. We refrained from asking if he'd considered that perhaps the cruise line could afford to keep the quality higher if every passenger didn't waste enough food for 10 people...

Now, don't get me wrong, we Elves certainly ate more than we needed to. At home, breakfast usually consists of a bowl of Ho-ho-ho-ios, some milk, and a banana. On the ship, we indulged in large amounts of pineapple, cantaloupe, an omelet, bacon, and hash browns, all topped off with a cherry danish or cinnamon roll. But we ate what we took, and if we wanted to try something we weren't sure we'd like, we took a bite or two, knowing we could always return for more.

All this got our Elf minds thinking. Instead of a buffet filled with food, imagine one filled with health care. Having paid the entry fee to get on board, won’t people demand every test ever created at the slightest sensation of pain? Why wouldn’t you get tested for everything if it doesn’t cost you anything? “Let’s run an MRI, how about a CAT scan, how about that Jingle-titis test?” (Editor’s Note: Jingle-titis is a disease that happens only to Elves over the age of 70 who live in Guam.) Won’t people demand medications upon the slightest whim or whenever they see advertising for it? Won’t medical necessity go out the window? Even relatively responsible people will be hard-pressed to avoid the "free" smorgasbord of well-being check ups, no matter how unnecessary they might be at the time.

Where will this lead? Like hamburger-man complaining how quality has dropped, the "cruise line" will not be able to offer high-quality health care to everyone for long. They will have to cut back on the variety of offerings, the quality itself, and the level of service that goes along with it.

Don't get the wrong idea, we Elves really enjoyed our cruise, and we returned to the Boiler Room well-rested and eager to work. But it was also a good opportunity to observe human nature. We simply can't have it both ways - cheap fares and all-you-want, great food and services do not go hand-in-hand. Something has to give. The cruise lines are giving way on the food quality - is that what we want for health care, too?

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

Book Review: Outliers (2008)

By the Boiler Room Elves

Lately, some of the Elves have been hitting the books. We Elves like easy-to-read books filled with shocking information. Ok, really we like books with very plain covers. Hence, we're fans of Malcolm Gladwell (The Tipping Point, Blink) and we just got around to reading his latest work Outliers. We liked this a lot. Gladwell, a former writer for the Washington Post and the New Yorker, has an easy style that goes down like spiked eggnog, and the information presented in Outliers is truly eye opening.

Outliers is about the secret of high level success. As Americans we’re usually told that "if you're willing to work hard, you can achieve anything and have all the success you want." Gladwell says that’s not true, and he points out repeatedly just how much success depends on luck or environment or culture.

*** SPOILERS ****

According to Gladwell, success results from a combination of luck and what he calls the “10,000 hour rule.” Gladwell claims that it takes the right environment to nurture a talent and that, even in the right environment, it then takes about 10,000 hours of practice in a particular endeavor before a person can truly shape their talent. To support this, he points out how Bill Gates spent 10,000 hours programming before he achieved his success. He finds that the Beatles spent 10,000 hours playing live in Hamburg before returning to England to strike it big. And so on.

He also discusses the influence of luck on success. For that, he first tackles sports. Everyone knows what it takes to become a world class athlete, no? Natural talent! Actually, no! Gladwell took a look at the world of professional hockey in Canada (the best of the best of the best, SIR!) and he discovered something interesting. He found that the vast majority of Canada’s best professional hockey players had birthdays in the first few months of the year. Why would this matter?

In Canada, youth hockey leagues cut off eligibility based on age on December 31st. Thus, if you are born on January 1, you will be lumped into a league with kids who can be as much as 364 days younger than you. When it comes times to determine which players should be placed on the “elite” teams, this age difference gives the older children a tremendous advantage, seeing as how the difference of nearly one year can be very dramatic at that age. A year of growth can really matter at age 8 or 9.

Once these bigger kids are selected for the elite teams, they get more ice time, better coaching, and are simply pushed harder. Over time, this builds up a greater and greater advantage for these kids over the children born later in the year. Eventually, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as these children go on to become the cream of the crop. Thus, it wasn’t talent that got them to where they ended up, it was the luck of the draw -- they were born at the right time to get all of the advantages the system gives. The kids born later in the year were not necessarily less talented, they were just born at the wrong time. Tough luck.

Gladwell next compares IQ to success. Unlike hockey, which is ultimately a team sport, IQ and what you do with it is a game for one -- it’s up to you to make the world your puffy, curly slipper. So is success the result of intellectual talent or something else? According to Gladwell, it’s about environment.

In the 1920's, researchers tested schoolchildren all over the country until they found almost 1,500 kids who qualified as "genius" on the IQ scale. The researchers intended to track them through their lives, convinced that they would become the doctors, philosophers, elves, and leaders of their generation. Not so much. Turns out, as adults they fell roughly into three groups: 20% were "successful"; 60% were average; and 20% were, well, not exactly what the researcher had hoped for (let's just say that Boiler Room Elves they were not.) Yet, they all had the same innate talent. So what gives? What made the difference? Environment.

The top group tended to have parents who graduated from college; the bottom group tended to have parents who dropped out of high school. The top group came from communities that challenged them and put their IQ to use, the bottom group didn’t. That was the real dividing line. It wasn’t pure talent that was the deciding factor for success, it was being lucky enough to be born into a family and community that made you use it.

This leads to an interesting discussion at the end of the book about the American school system. Why do children from other cultures consistently outscore American kids on all sorts of tests, particularly math. (Square root of a candy cane? Anyone? Anyone?) One potential culprit is our lengthy summer vacation, practiced basically nowhere else in the world. Gladwell discusses the findings of a researcher who examined test scores of schoolchildren in Baltimore, where they test at the beginning and end of the school year.

These kids were grouped into three socioeconomic groups: poor, middle class, and rich. Guess what he found? All the kids across all social classes learned roughly the same amount over the school year. In other words, their test scores went up by the same amount during the year. In fact, the poor group often learned more over the year than the wealthy group.

But something changed over the summer. The kids from wealthier families continued to improve over each summer, gaining anywhere from 10 to 15 points as a group during each of the years tracked. But poor kids lost ground almost every summer. Over 5 years, that meant that the upper class group got 50+ points better than the poor kids just because of what they did over the summers. Thus, Gladwell concludes that school isn’t failing our kids, summer vacation is.

What could account for this difference? Gladwell points out that wealthier families are more likely to send their kids to camp, to keep their kids reading, and to force them to be engaged and thinking. The poor families in which the kids might be on their own all day while their parents work don't have the same stimulus to nudge them along. But even the kids who did the best on the tests fell behind compared to the kids from other countries who did not get these long vacations. So how do we improve education? You drop the summer vacations and keep kids working. But good luck getting Americans to agree to giving up summer vacations - it's just not in our culture.

The book is an easy and interesting read. Gladwell uses many more examples that we haven’t touched upon. The Elves have enjoyed it very much and have been passing it around the Boiler Room. If you want to have your eyes opened to a different take on what it takes to be successful, pull on your stripy PJ's and give him a read.

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

The Elves Went To The Opera

By the Boiler Room Elves

Little known fact about elves: In addition to hammering away at toy trains, luring hobbits off forest paths, and baking cookies, our list of favorite hobbies includes --- opera. So when we snuck out to DC for the protest, we did our best to score some tickets to the Washington National Opera's performance of Rossini's The Barber of Seville, a bel canto comedic opera. It's one of our long-standing favorites, and this production did not disappoint. Great singing, fantastic staging, and a plethora of honest-to-goodness laugh-out-loud moments made this one of the best we've seen.

The Barber of Seville is a great intro opera for non-opera goers. . . think of it as a gateway opera. It's light-hearted, relatively fast-paced, and full of Bugs Bunny music. "Bugs Bunny music?" you ask? Sure. Cartoons in the olden days used to do a great job of prepping kids to become literate adults, familiar with cultural treasures long before the kids hit the age when classic literature, music and art become boring and irrelevant... but we digress.

Adults who have never been to an opera are often surprised to find themselves in the middle of one suddenly humming along and saying, "I know that piece!" From where? Kids' cartoons generally. Most everyone will recognize "Kill the Wabbit, kill the wabbit, kill the waaaaabbit" from Bugs Bunny, but not as many would be able to identify it as Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" from Act 3 of Die Walkuere. Most of us have seen The Rabbit of Seville, which is taken directly from The Barber of Seville. And there are many, many more.

The Barber of Seville also should appeal to anyone who enjoys a nice Shakespearean comedy. Operas fall broadly into comedies and tragedies, much like Greek plays and Shakespeare. In the comedies, the young lovers need to overcome some obstacle to get married and the bad guy needs to be properly embarrassed and learn the error of his ways; in the tragedies we like to have a nice high body count on the stage, preferably singing a long aria before shuffling off this mortal coil. You'll also notice two types of singing - the arias which are sung for the beauty and tune, and the recitatives which tell the story and move the plot along. The arias are Shakespeare's soliloquies - they contain the most beautiful and memorable pieces, and they're arguably the reason why we go, but the basic plot is complete without them.

The Barber of Seville does not disappoint - a man sees a woman locked away on her balcony, she sees him, they immediately fall into undying love. He must disguise himself to free her from her "evil" guardian who plots to marry her himself. Oh no! Enter the barber Figaro (yes - Figaro, Figaro, Figaro, Fiii-ga-roooooooooo) who lives to help young lovers unite against all odds. Figaro helps our hero disguise himself so we can have a series of mistaken identities and funny situations. (Shakespeare again, or perhaps Three's Company, anyone?) Our hero, by the way, conveniently happens to be the local rich Duke, unbeknownst to our lady fair, who thinks she has fallen for a poor man. This way she can be justly rewarded for not being a gold-digger, but for being true to her heart. Ahhhh... And of course, at the end, after much mayhem, the "evil" guardian comes around and gives the young lovers his blessing, and Puck-- I mean Figaro! - gives us our lesson and we all sing ourselves off into the night.

Please note, we elves have not had a chance to study music theory or the history of opera. We're hardly experts, but we know what we like, and we like The Barber of Seville. If you ever have a chance to see it, it's a great one to start with. You can watch a clip from the DC production HERE.

And if you're interested in seeing some really great opera, but either don't have access to a decent company close by or just don't want to get all gussied up and pay that much, check out the NY Met's broadcasts. They have recently started to broadcast their operas in high-definition to participating movie theaters all over the country. Opera while munching on popcorn and wearing your favorite pair of green tights at relatively cheap prices? Now that's something to sing about. Of the upcoming season, the elves would recommend Carmen in January for lots and lots of Bugs Bunny music with a great plot and no boring music.


[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

The Elves Are Back. . . And They've Been A Protestin'

By the Boiler Room Elves

Editor's Note: To our great surprise, we learned that the Boiler Room Elves escaped our basement and made their way to Washington, D.C. to participate in the 9/12 protest. Upon their return and after a savage beating, they produced the memo below explaining their absence. We thought you might find it interesting. . . (you can click on pictures to enlarge)


To: Management
Re: Unexcused Absence

We Boiler Room Elves often feel alone in our political convictions, locked away in the sub-basement of the building as it were. We thus found it extremely encouraging when, a mere hour into our half-day's sleigh ride along the interstate to the 9/12 Tea Party march on Washington, we had no fewer than 4 different cars wave at us to indicate that they too were heading to DC.

"BR-Elf-4" was decked out in its political best, and much to our pleasant surprise, a great many other people on the road seemed happy to see us there, waving, flashing headlights, and giving us thumbs up. One couple, who had travelled all the way from Colorado no less, went so far as to follow us off at a gas station and share their excitement about the rally.

Nevertheless, after cruising into the Elf Hostel in the suburbs in high spirits, we suddenly found ourselves concerned for the next morning. The lady who runs the Elf Hostel warned us - there had been no coverage of the event in the local media and the locals are usually given warning to avoid downtown when something big is coming up. We might end up downtown alone? Would we be accosted by Obama-mites as we sat all alone on the train? Would our signs create angry mobs of locals that would taunt us the entire journey? Would Acorn have taken over the trains and might we have one of our pointed ears bitten off?? The elf contingent dallied over morning Cheerios...

Imagine our surprise, then, when we walked up to the Metro stop and saw a man with teabags hanging off a straw hat. And over there - a woman with a giant red, white and blue star! A young man in a T-shirt with Reagan that said, "Old School Conservative!" The elves need not fear travelling alone. Indeed, we had to wait 30 minutes just to buy tickets for the Metro! Once on the Metro, it was standing room only all the way into town, and after a couple stops, no more people could get on at all. We might note, by the way, that the one passenger who appeared not to be headed to the Tea Party chatted on her cell phone and was quite irate that the local media had not told her to avoid downtown today.


We exited en masse at Federal Triangle around 10:45, with the march scheduled to start at 11:30. People were clearly moving down Pennsylvania Avenue already, though. A volunteer informed us that they had been forced to start the march 1-1/2 hours early because there were so many people already gathered there. They had been marching for 45 minutes and people were still streaming in.


We marched slowly down the avenue. We waved our signs. We chanted. We yelled and screamed.

"Yes we can - Vote you out!"

"U.S.A."

"Enough! Enough!"










As we came off Pennsylvania Avenue on the far end of the mall, we passed a pile of horse manure in the street from the DC park police horses, no doubt, with a volunteer warning us not to step on Congress! We found ourselves on the far end of the mall, in front of the pond that sits in front of Congress. The crowd at this point, perhaps 11:45 or 12:00, filled the area in front of Congress and reached about halfway into the first square of the mall between the Smithsonian museums. CNN and FOX had RV's parked there, but neither was interested in an elf's point of view. We worked our way through massive numbers of people around the pond to the area in front of the steps to the Congress building. We couldn't actually get closer than the street, but we did eventually find a small spot to sit and listen to speakers, even though we had no sight of the stage.





The speakers were mostly a collection of average Americans. A female Marine who had done 2 tours in Iraq. A man who had lost his car dealership when Obama created Gov't Motors. Organizers of local tea party events. A couple Congressmen. Rep. Mike Pence (IN) said that Pelosi could call us "un-American" but that to him, we looked like "the cavalry!" (THERE'S A COPY OF HIS SPEECH HERE) Speakers repeatedly asked Obama - "Can you hear us now??!!"



The speeches wound up around 4:00 and the crowd dispersed. We elves had some dinner, hoping to avoid the worst of the crowds on the Metro, but we still ended up in the thick of it around 6:00. On our way from the restaurant to the Metro, a woman - clearly not a protester - caught up to us and asked, "Are you here protesting?" Yesssss... It turns out that she lives here and works in a museum on the Mall. She looked out this afternoon, saw everyone and thought, "Oh a protest." Then she read the signs and realized she agreed with this one and that one and "wow, these are the GOOD people!" And guess what? She's a staunch conservative and hadn't heard a word about it before today either. She must read the Post.

We spoke with many people from all over the country. Organizers said that 450 busses had shown up. A person from Pennsylvania said that their local tea party group organized 1 bus to take some people who didn't want to drive, and it filled up overnight. So they ordered a second bus. That filled up, as did a 3rd, a 4th, and eventually they ended up sending 30 buses from their region because people kept calling to join in. A family from Atlanta had brought their kids and made a DC week out of it which was "breaking the bank but is worth every penny!" People on the Metro with us had driven in from all over and were staying with friends in the area.

It's clear that the majority of these people are still in their "rookie season" when it comes to protesting. Most had never been to a protest before. We elves only started this year ourselves, and we've learned much. Back on April 15th, the first time we snuck out, we showed up at the Tea Party empty handed and wearing our standard green tights and curly shoes. By early June, we'd learned to make signs and wear something patriotic. We quickly learned that it's helpful to attach your sign to some sort of pole rather than rely on your arms to hold it up for hours. By July 4th, we'd learned to make cleverer signs (we generally steal the ideas for the signs from the BossMan), wear buttons, and add bumper stickers to the sleigh. By now in September, well, we're not up to showing up dressed in American Revolutionary period garb, but we've added a Gadsden Flag to our repertoire and we've got the main points down. Another bridge we've not crossed yet is the handing out of pamphlets or stickers to further a cause, a book, or a website. Today we received a $1,000,000,000 bill with Obama on it and an Obama credit card with "no spending limit!" - each with a website to visit for more information. Maybe next time, Commentarama...

We elves are happy to report that it was an uplifting day. It's great to know that you are NOT alone. There are many people who believe like you do and are willing to stand up for those beliefs and for the country. We're even happier to know that these are just average people. They aren't professional protesters or activists, they were normal people who want their voiced to be heard.

We'll head back down to the boiler room now, content in knowing that others out there are fighting right along side of us. And when necessary, we'll hop on BR-ELF-4 and head right back here to make sure our voices continue to get heard.

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...

Boiler Room Elves On States' Rights

By the Boiler Room Elves
(edited by AndrewPrice)

To keep our internet connection working, Commentarama employs a team of unionized elves to stoke the boiler. These elves are an opinionated (and militant) group, and they constantly send us expletive-laced diatribes about various political topics. But sometimes, these diatribes are kind of interesting. So we’ve decided to share some of them with you. Without further ado, I give you the most recent rant from our Boiler Room Elves. . .


To: Management
Re: States' Rights MEANS States' Rights

If states' rights mean something to conservatives, then we must stand up for states rights. We cannot pick and choose when we want states rights to apply and when we don’t. If one is in favor of smaller government and states' rights as the best way to govern, and we are, then that belief should not stop once one's favorite pet issue comes up for debate.

I'm thinking of the recent attempt by Republicans (and joined by a surprising number of Democrats) to add an amendment to a military defense bill that would have required states to recognize concealed carry permits granted by other states. The amendment fell just short of the 60 votes needed to pass.

This amendment bothers me. I have nothing against concealed weapon permits. I would like to see all states make them available. But this isn’t the way to go about it. All over talk radio, I heard pundits arguing: “hey, if the liberals want to insist that Tennessee must recognize a gay marriage performed in Massachusetts, then they should be willing to give the same privilege to concealed gun permits.” But that is precisely backward!

If conservatives DON'T want to force Tennessee to recognize a marriage performed in Massachusetts, then conservatives cannot turn around and insist that gun permits should be recognized nation-wide. States' rights must mean something always, not only when the other guy raises an issue. If we pick and choose when the concept applies, then all we do is weaken the concept.

There are plenty of permits and licenses granted in every state that don't cross borders. If you are licensed to teach or practice law or medicine in one state, you have to apply and go through hoops when you move. Even your drivers' license, while recognized in other states if you pass through, must be replaced by a proper license from the new state if you move to that state. And this often requires retesting, and exposes you to the risk that the new state won’t issue the new license. Concealed weapons permits should be no different.

Nor does it matter that gun ownership is a constitutional right. First, it’s not obvious to me that ownership also means that you have a constitutional right to carry the weapon concealed. The Second Amendment does not say “right to bear concealed arms.” Secondly, we have historically decided that states CAN impose regulations within states, even on supposedly absolute constitutional rights, for reasons like health, safety and the public welfare. For example, we let states and cities restrict free speech by requiring permits before groups can assemble or march, and by punishing people for yelling “fire” in a crowded theater.

If we are to respect states’ rights, we should let them put in place whatever restrictions they think are appropriate, provided they don’t violate the Constitution. To do otherwise and to attempt to impose one rule on the states runs counter to the arguments conservatives routinely make about the left attempting to foist leftish ideas on the states in violation of the Tenth Amendment.

That’s why we oppose the idea of this amendment.

Signed,
Boiler Room Elves

[+] Read More...

[-] Collapse Post...