What a week this has been. Events in Wisconsin this week just totally wore me out, so maybe we just need a little break this afternoon. I know what you were thinking, what could be more relaxing than watching puppies frolic, right? As a matter of fact, this is one of those interesting by-products of the internet age that is really kind of fun. There are actually websites where you can watch live video feeds of puppies sleeping and playing and doing all of those cute little puppy things that you didn't even know you wanted to watch. So get a glass or mug of your favorite beverage and watch the cuteness of it all.
Video streaming by Ustream
So, now that you are relaxed, please feel free to discuss whatever comes to mind...
Note: Sorry about the commercials and sometimes they give the puppies a break and go offline. But trust me, it's great.
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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Monday, October 10, 2011
Top 20 Horror Films You Should Know
Originally posted at Big Hollywood: LINKOctober is upon us! Run for your lives! It’s horror movie month! Horror is consistently one of the most popular genres in film, with even middling movies guaranteed to make money. Why? Because audiences want to feel emotion from their entertainment, and no emotion is easier to evoke than fear.
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Thursday, September 1, 2011
Obama versus the Republican Debate
My next article is up at Big Hollywood! Go take a look: (Linky, Linky)! (It's at the film site too.)
Place: America’s Living Room
Time: September 7, 2011
Joe Sixpack: What am I gonna watch on the old television. How about some news?
clickNewsreader: ... said that giant lasers could be fired into the sky to cause it to rain Pandas.
clickJoe Sixpack: Oh, the debate! This might be good.
M. Bachmann: I intend to pass a constitutional amendment to force gay people to stop being gay.
R. Paul: That’s ridiculous! Gay people have solid gold cores because of their gayness, which is why the Fed wants us to ban gay people, because we can melt them down to create a solid backing for our currency.
R. Perry: Y’all are crazier than skunk crap on a Camaro! What our country really needs is bzzz we should do the bidding of Goldman Sachs. Goldman Sachs are proud Americans.bzzz What in tarnation was that?
clickNewsreader: ... and has dropped four atomic bombs on India in response
clickCommercial: Are you limp where it counts?
clickJoe Sixpack: Hey, the Obama speech. Huh, the whole House is empty except for Pelosi and Biden sitting up front.
Obama: I plan to uh, create uh, one billion jobs in the next five minutes. You will see, there’s nothing up my sleeve except uh, these uh, magic beads, given to me by my uncle in exchange for keeping him out of jail. . .
clickN. Gingrich: Look, I'm trying to explain. It’s a simple plan. We build a giant brain in the Nevada desert. We feed the knowledge of the world into that brain. Then we ask it to. . .
R. Paul: Where is there a giant brain in the Constitution?!
clickGeraldo: The search for Qaddafi continues tonight. My sources tell me he has locked himself inside a vault in Chicago and FOX has paid one million dollars for the combination.
clickObama: Now you will need these special glasses to see the jobs I’m going to create. . .
clickM. Bloomberg: Apparently, sharks are planning to use flash mob techniques in the subways.
click
J. Huntsman: What’s wrong with higher taxes?
R. Perry: What’s wrong with higher taxes?! Are you @#$%ing loco?! I’ll tell you what’s wrong with higher taxes. . . right after I beat some sense into you, RINO boy!
clickCommercial: Do you feel like some product has hurt you? Call the help line now!
clickGeraldo: I’m seeing a note. . . it could be from Qaddafi himself. It says 'Geraldo is a douc. . .' uh. . . it’s written in some sort of code. I can’t make the rest out.
clickObama: ... scheduled 15 more vacations at luxury resorts in this coming month, but they are all working vacations, so don’t listen to those who would oppose. . .
clickR. Perry: ... crack How do you like that RINO boy?! crack
J. Huntsman: Ahhh! Oh dear God! crack Owwww! Please stop!
R. Perry: crack Heyll no!
J. Huntsman: Can’t we all just get along?
R. Perry: crack You oughtn't a said that.
J. Huntsman: Somebody help me!
R. Paul: I believe in non-intervention.
clickCommercial: ... with side effects including unpleasant taste in clothes or friends, poor judgment in social interactions, diarrhea, death. . .
click
A. Cooper: The crowd here is getting ugly as they wait impatiently for Obama’s staff to swap out the non-functioning TOTUS for a new one. It’s too bad too, because Obama was really hitting his stride, the crowd was getting into the speech.
J. Carville: In fact they waz, they waz so inta it, they threwed some panties on the stage.
A. Cooper: Yes, that happened when Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden started the wave.
J. Carville: Thas right, and we uh ain’t shuwr whose they is. But thith, thith is cleauhly, the greatest uh, speeeech of uh, owl time.
click
J. Huntsman: //lies silently on stage
M. Romney: You might as well finish him off. . . put him out of his misery.
R. Perry: Don’t tell me what to do healthcare boy!
J. Huntsman: help... somebody call 911...
R. Perry: //draws gun
clickA. Cooper: They have just tear gassed the crowd. And by “crowd” I really mean Nancy Pelosi who started climbing up on the podium after she stripped off all of her clothes, apparently upset at the delay. . .
J. Carville: Ith like sumtin right outta tha ape moovae.
A. Cooper: The Secret Service now has her surrounded, but she has reached for a handful of feces. . . it appears to be Biden's feces.
clickS. Norville: That’s right Scooby Doo, let’s get outta here before those phantoms come back this way!
Joe Sixpack: Finally, something worth watching.
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Thursday, May 26, 2011
Weakly News Round Up
I know a lot of you aren’t paying attention to the news right now, as you’re starting to think about the weekend. So let’s do a quick and easy article tonight: let’s just sum up the news of the last few days.1. Traveling Man: Obama is in Europe. Nothing of note happened there. Nothing at all. And if you heard that he tried to date his checks "2008" or that he botched his toast to Queen, then you are listening to evil right-wing news. And if you heard that he’s really there to hide so he doesn’t have to honor America’s soldiers. . . then you’re listening to accurate right-wing news. Oh and any suggestion that they went to Europe to get Michelle a plastic surgery technique called a "grinch tuck" is patently untrue.
2. Retiring to Obscurity: Oprah retired after decades of ruining America by endorsing “true stories” that turned out to be fake, handing out gifts that got people into tax trouble, endorsing Kenyans for the American Presidency, ruining Tom Cruise’s career and generally giving the hopelessly weepy a platform to annoy the rest of us. In a surprise move, Oprah revealed that she’s actually a middle-aged white man named Dale Nawtreal. Nawtreal’s been wearing a Hollywood fat suit that periodically deflates (accounting for her bouts with weight loss) and black face paint because he knew he needed a gimmick to compete against Phil Donahue and Jerry Springer, both of whom have been arrested for crimes against integrity.3. New York Continues To Disappoint: Republicans suffered a “surprise” defeat in upstate New York in a three-way election the other night. Democrats are trying to blame this on opposition to Paul Ryan’s Medicare reforms. Republicans are blaming it on the fake Tea Party candidate. The real cause is either (1) New York is hopelessly leftist and even New York’s version of “right wing fanatics” would be considered bleeding heart morons in other states or (2) New York was built on an ancient Indian burial ground belonging to an extinct tribe called the “Gimmeestufs” and is cursed.
4. Peter “Snider Daddy” Fonda: This isn’t made up, though you may think it is. Peter Fonda of Easy Rider fame has said something that may surprise you. Here’s the quote:“I’m training my grandchildren to use long-range rifles. For what purpose? Well, I’m not going to say the words ‘Barack Obama’, but . . . I prefer to not to use the words, ‘let’s stop something’. I prefer to say, ‘let’s start something, let’s start the world’.Hmmm. So Peter stopped Vietnam with a biker movie? And now Peter wants his grandkids to shoot someone called “Barack Obama” to “start the world.” Cuckoo.
It’s more of a thought process than an actuality, but we are heading for a major conflict between the haves and the have nots. I came here many years ago with a biker movie and we stopped a war. Now, it’s about starting the world.”
Yah know, if Peter wasn’t a big leftist, I’m thinking leftists would be outraged over this, as in “MSNBC anchors encouraging street violence” outraged. But he is a leftist, so they’re not upset. Indeed, they’ll just add him to the list of murderers and rapists that they celebrate because they have the right politics. Maybe the left is even sicker than we suspected?
You may now return to your weekend planning.
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Saturday, May 21, 2011
Sunny With A Chance...
As we wait for the appointed time when many of you will be "raptured upward", let us know how you are spending your last few hours in this Earthly plane before...well...you know. And if it turns out that they got the date wrong (again) or you didn't get to go this round, don't be embarrassed because there's always the end of the world according to the Mayan calendar (12/21/2012)to look forward to. [+] Read More...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Obama Speaks on Libya
Ladies and Gentlemen. Through our sources, we have obtained the original copy of Obama’s Libya speech before someone apparently cleaned it up ever so slightly. After you read this, tell us in the comments if you think this would have been better than Obama’s confused snoozer last night? And feel free to tell us what you might have said in his place. . . we'll pass your comments on to our contact "Joey B."Good evening. Tonight, I’d like to update you Americans on the international effort going on in a place called Libya -- what they have done, what I heard the Frensh and Britters plan to do about it, and why you should blame George Bush if you are unhappy.******
Enter speechifying room. . .
Look serious. . .
Read from TOTUS. . .
NO adlibbing. . .
******
I want to begin by paying tribute to the men and women in uniform on both sides. Because of them, our dedicated diplomats have saved uncountable numbers of lives. Meanwhile, as we speak, American troops are supporting your ally Japan, leaving Iraq to its people, generally not invading 187 other countries, futzing around with the Taliban in Afghanistan, and some other stuff that I don’t remember from the briefing. That has nothing to do with Libya, but it sounds good (don't read this part out loud).
You may not know this, I certainly didn't, but Libya sits directly between Tunisia and Egypt -- two nations that are located in a place called “the Middle East,” near Mexico. We used to call them the Orient, but that was racist, so we no longer call them Orientals. Instead, they are now called Orientations, which makes them happy and gay. Let me give a shout out to my third biggest contributors!
Libya is ruled by a man named Miramar Gandalf, who looks like Michael Jackson and smells like fish oil. He has denied his people their freedom, he exploited their wealth, he raised their taxes and he tried to seize their health care system and put it under the control of his sinister government. He has also involuntarily-ended-the-continuing-living of those who oppose him at home and man-made-disasterized journalists. That is what happened in Libya six weeks ago.
Exactly one day after that began, some people in places called Frensh and Britterica took action to try to stop Mr. Gandalf. Because they acted, we too have a responsibility to act so that we don’t seem weak. Though, we are naturally reluctant to use non-peaceful-expression to solve the world’s many challenges, the use of non-peaceful-expression is called for in this instance. But you can rest assured that I will do my utmost not to solve any of the problems in this Libya place.
When Gandalf began non-peacing his people, my immediate concern as President was with the safety of our citizens in Brazil. So I went to Brazil to ensure that our people, Kenyan and American, were not being mistreated. Contrary to what those who oppose tell you in the media, this was not just a vacation. And I can happily confirm to you that my trip was a success and for the first time in my wife’s life, she is proud to know where Brazil is located.
I understand that when the Frensh and Britters started non-peacing Gandalf’s non-peacing paid-volunteers, Gandalf chose to escalate his non-peacing. That was when I received a call from Obama bin Laden, my long lost uncle. He asked if we could non-peace some people in Libya too. So I unleashed non-civilian jets and helicopter regulated-militia-owners-ships upon people who had no means to defend themselves. These were taxhoarders and the IRS made swift work of them. I also ordered our non-peacers to do something about Libya. They tell me they have.
And we are not alone in this. Canada sent a box of maple syrup. Denmark and Norway sent a card. Italy and Spain and Greece sent promissory notes. Turkey sent a brigade to help Mr. Gandalf. And some of the Orientations sent other things in a box that I haven’t opened yet.
Make no mistake, we are serious about not-surrendering in this mutual non-agreement until our grievances are given a fair hearing by Mr. Gandalf. And we will stay involved and proactive in these events until such time as it is no longer time to remain involved or proactive, and I assure you that will be at some point. In the meantime, I have ordered my political team to find an exit strategy that allows me to blame this entire incident on the failure of George Bush to solve these problems before they were dumped in my lap. Tonight I ask you all to respond to all poll questions regarding Libya by blaming Mr. Bush.
Good night and may Allah bless you with a sexy camel.
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Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Bubba Summit
Once again, our contacts at the White House have helped us get the jump on other media. Behold, more Barack tapes! These are good too, these are the secret tapes of the entire meeting between Bill Clinton and our President. Read on.....Obama: Uh, thanks for coming, Mr. President.
Clinton: Thank you for inviting me, Mr. President.
Obama: I could sure use some help.
Clinton: Oh, I know you can. I watch the news. What can I do for you Barack?
Obama: Things aren’t looking good right now. The economy’s in the tank. The election was a disaster. Nancy Pelosi was throwing eggs at Air Force One last night.
Clinton: Sounds pretty bad.
Obama: It is. What would you do, if you were me?
Clinton: Well, I don’t really need to think I’m you to give you advice. You do know I was the nation’s first black President, don’t you?
Obama: What?
Clinton: The first black President, that’s me. Trust me, I know what it’s like to have people hate you just for your race.
Obama: You’re not even black.
Clinton: Am too. I was the first black President. Seriously. I was there when you were still trying to sneak across the border from Kenya. Face it, you’re number two. . . and you’re not even all black.
Obama: Let’s not go there. Just give me the advice and let’s get this over with.
Clinton: Alright, alright. First thing you could do is resign. Nixon did that and it helped his popularity a lot. Hilly and I could take over.
** silence **
Clinton: Ok, you don’t like that. Well, let’s take this in parts. First, you gotta fix the economy. The voters ain’t a knockin’ if the economy ain’t a rockin’.Obama: Yeah, I get that, but how do I do it?
Clinton: Here’s the single most important thing I can tell you about running an economy.
Obama: Yes?
** sound of cabinet opening **
Clinton: You got an booze? I used to keep booze around here.
Obama: No. Now get to the point.
Clinton: Not even a Colt 45? Come on.
Obama: Is that another racist crack?
Clinton: Racist? How can I be racist? I was the first black President, I can’t be racist.
Obama: Forget the booze, get on with it!
Clinton: Ok, here’s the secret. Let the Republicans do what they want to do. Those fellars are smart as heck when it comes to economic stuff. All their voodoo tax cuts this and less regulation that. . . I don’t know how it works, but man does it ever. Whatever they propose, just agree to it and then run out and tell everybody you came up with it?
Obama: What about being progressive?
Clinton: That stuff’s just for show. You didn't take that seriously, did you? No wonder Pelosi's pissed at you, she must think you're an idiot if you took that stuff seriously.
Obama: What else have you got?
Clinton: Triangulate.
Obama: How do I do that?
Clinton: Heck if I know. Just steal everybody’s ideas and blame everybody else for messing everything up. That worked for me.
Obama: Brilliant! . . . blame everybody else.
** more cabinets opening **
Clinton: Man, I was reading some of those Wikileaks things. If I knew diplomatic cables were so entertaining, I would’a read some when I was President.
Obama: You never read the cables?
Clinton: Heck no.
Obama: Well, this Wikileaks issue is a real problem and I don’t know what to do about it.
Clinton: I could take care of this Asschange guy for ya. Hillary’s got some people. . .
Obama: What kind of people?
Clinton: I promised her I wouldn’t say. Let’s just say, they took care of a couple problems for us.
** silence **
Clinton: Look, I can call her and get a Vince Foster special for ya by Monday.
Obama: Uh, no, let’s skip that.
Clinton: Suit yourself. I could throw in Biden for free. . . my treat?
Obama: Biden? Everyone keeps talking about “Joe Biden,” but I honestly never heard that name before. Who is that guy?
Clinton: He’s like Al Gore, only funny. Hey, let me ask, how are you staffed for interns?
Obama: What?
Clinton: Interns? Any hotties?
Obama: I wouldn’t know.
Clinton: What? How can you not know?
Obama: I just don’t.
Clinton: Wait! Wait a minute! Holy cow! You throw like a girl. Skinny jeans. You don’t know when you met your wife. . . and she ain’t exactly a looker. And you don’t look at the interns? Wow, two and two is coming up pretty gay around here if you ask me.
Obama: Let’s change the topic.
Clinton: Trust me, I feel your pain.
Obama: No, you don’t.
Clinton: Well I could.
Obama: What?
Clinton: Come on, everybody’s doing it. Come on, don’t ask, don’t tell. Let me feel your pain!
Obama: What!
Clinton: Come on, whip that sucker out. Let’s compare Presidents!
Obama: Stop it.
** sound of person being chased around desk **
Clinton: Oh come on, goochie coo!
Obama: Stop it, dammit!
Clinton: Oh, alright. Hey, do you realize that with you being half white and me being black, we’re like that Paul McCartney Michael Jackson song, “Ebony and Irony”? Remember that?
Obama: I don’t like the Beatles.
Clinton: No, you’re probably into rap aren’t you? That’s cool. I met Sir Mixalot once. . . “I like big butts and I cannot lie...”
Obama: Stop! Now!
Clinton: Oh, alright. Insecure about your small back door, huh?
** silence **
Clinton: Man, I miss this office. They should have elected me to another term. . . hey, can I be your vice president?
Obama: No.
Clinton: I’d let you be mine.
Obama: No. Let’s talk about this press conference.
Clinton: What do you want to do?
Obama: You understand, I’m going to answer a few questions. I’ll introduce you. Then you give a quick statement about how hard we’re working and how honored you are about being back to help out, right?
Clinton: Being black?
Obama: Back!
Clinton: Oh, I got ya.
Obama: Then I make some joke about my wife waiting for me.
Clinton: Then we whip out our Presidents!
Obama: NO! Then you wave to the crowd and you and I come back here. Got it?
Clinton: Yeah, I got it.
Obama: Don’t deviate from that script.
Clinton: I would never do that to a fellow Mr. President, Mr. President.
Obama: Ok, let’s go.
Clinton: Lead on. . . fer a change. ** slaps Obama on the back **
** 10 minutes later, Obama re-enters room **
Obama: That was a good conference, don’t you think so Bill? Bill? Where the hell is Bill?
Aide: He’s still in the conference room, sir.
Obama: What’s he doing?
Aide: I believe he’s doing shots off Helen Thomas’s old chair.
Obama: Oh God! What are we going to do?
Aide: We could push the red button, sir?
Obama: Nuke the Russians?
Aide: The other red button, sir.
Obama: You mean have him Shellacked?
Aide: It worked on Ted Kennedy.
Obama: I told you never to talk about that.
** Clinton enters room **
Clinton: Woo boy was that fun. That was like the old days. I think that ABC News hottie likes me. You mind sending Hillary overseas again?
Obama: Just what the heck are you doing?!
Clinton: Hey, I give great conference. And did you see their reaction? Mr. President is back baby!
Obama: Bill, get the hell out of this White House and never come back.
Clinton: Ok Barack, you can throw me out now. . . but I will be back. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but January 2012. . . I’ll be back.
** sound of button being pushed repeatedly **
** End of Tape **
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Sunday, October 31, 2010
Washington D.C. Halloween Trick or Treating Guide
Halloween is upon us, and that means trick or treating. You might think Washington, D.C. would be a great place to trick or treat, right? Well, that depends on whether or not you know who's paying out and who will waste your time. So by way of a public service, here's a “voters” guide to places you should go and places you should avoid when trick or treating.The Obamas: Avoid. The wife will be dressed like Marie Antoinette and the husband will be wearing different masks of famous Presidents all night. But don't be fooled by the great masks, he's an empty suit: he will pretend to hand out candy, but the wrappers are empty.
Nancy Pelosi: Avoid. She will be dressed like a witch, but it's no costume, it's just her bathrobe. She does not give candy, she takes it and will reach right into your bag for it. And whatever you do, don't go inside her house or try to take a bite out of her gingerbread-appearing shingles, and don't touch the private plane in the driveway.
John Boehner: Definitely. Boehner will dress as a donkey and will give you exactly one half of what he thinks Nancy Pelosi gave you. . . so lie to him about how much you scored from Pelosi.
Joe Biden: Probably Avoid. He will be dressed as Neil Kinnock or the most interesting man in the world. Biden hands out decent candy, but he will insult you in the process and then he'll lie about how much he gave you.
Eric Cantor: Avoid. He will not be wearing a costume as they confuse him. Gives out apples.
The Pentagon: Absolutely. Lots of candy and many doors, so they won’t know if you’ve already come. This place is a bonanza! (Important: Muslim costumes are a bad idea.)
Al Gore: Forget it. You’ll never make it past the huge electric fence and the stadium lights will blind you. And if you somehow make it to the door, the heat emanating from that huge, cavernous mansion will melt your costume. Plus, he only hands out candy from the company he owns: GummyGorebears Unlimited.
John McCain: Probably avoid. He will be dressed in a Republican costume, complete with elephant mask. He’ll waste an hour of your time telling you about the big treats he’s going to give you, but he has no follow through, expect a stick of unflavored gum.
Congress: Avoid. They expect you to pay them before they give you anything.
State Department: Avoid. They only give candy to corrupt foreign politicians.
Clinton, Bill: Depends. He will be dressed as a pimp or himself. If you are female (or dressed like one. . . or he hasn’t seen one in a while) expect to be groped. He hands out cigars.
Clinton, Hillary: N/A. She's hiding out the election overseas.
Secret Service HQ: Avoid. They will be wearing cheap suits and sunglasses, and they have no candy and no sense of humor.
The Schwarzeneggers: Depends. The wife will be dressed like a drunken zombie that looks a lot like Teddy Kennedy. Do not accept any rides over bridges from her. The husband is your better bet here. He will be dressed as a Barbarian, and he hands out stygian, the best. . . this is not haga.
Christine O’Donnell: Sure. Will not be dressed as a witch. Will hand out candy as long as campaign funds last.
The Palins: Avoid. Will be dressed as hunters and surrounded by camera crews. They hand out moose jerky.
Barney Frank: Avoid. Dressed as Glinda the Good Witch, but this is not a costume. Hands out candy to boys only, and you don’t want his candy.
Harry Reid: Maybe. You’ll find him at the Ritz, dressed like Hitler and surrounded by union thugs. He hands out LOTS of candy, but only if you promise to vote for him.
There you have it, a guide on where to go trick or treating in Washington D.C. Good luck and good hunting. Have a happy Halloween. . . for Tuesday is Christmas!
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Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The New Democratic Agenda!
Ladies and gentlemen, I am a sucker for lost causes. So this weekend I decided to take up the lostest causes of all: the Democratic Party. To help them, I put together an agenda that would regain the initiative for them in 2010 and beyond. Yes, I did that thing. Follow this plan my Democratic friends and you will win this election. . . guaranteed. Without further adieu, I present to you the new Democratic Agenda:1. The Freedom From Speech Act: People hate hate speech. This act will ban any speech that anyone might consider offensive and any words that could be used to express such thoughts, no matter how such words are spelled on twitter.
2. The Random Choice Act: Discrimination is everywhere and our government has turned a sight-impaired eye for far too long. This act will ban discrimination of any kind, rational or irrational, in any kind of choice. That’s right. To end the specter of discrimination, this law will hereafter require that all decisions be made using a random decision generator, with the results posted on the internet.
3. The American Film Re-Restoration Act: Have you ever been to the movies and just found yourself so offended because of hidden messages in the films? Are you tired of seeing thinly-burqaed two hour promotions for the NRA? Does it bother you that films hide behind stereotypical bad guys when we all know who the real bad guys are but the rich white men who run studios won’t let us tell the truth? Well, we’re going to set aside $850 billion stimulus dollars to correct the film-based injustices of the past. Our first plan will be to repair Saving Private Ryan by digitally removing all the guns, by replacing these so-called “Nazis” with Republicans, and by moving these “Nazi” deathcamps to Crawford, Texas.
4. The George Bush Did It Act: From now on, by law, once a week, all editorialists will voluntarily write how something they have complained about during the week can be attributed to George Bush.
5. The Let My Voters Go Act: Prison discriminates against criminals. You don’t see non-criminals locked up. This seems like an insidious form of discrimination. This act will free all criminals unless the prison can prove that it has not unfairly targeted the convicted.
6. The Carbon Free America Act: There is an element in nature that is dangerous beyond all others. The release of this element causes the planet to warm, it can be radioactive, breathing it can kill you, and it can seriously scorch your droid. Rich Republican businessmen love this element, and they all possess it. . . carbon. It’s time we stood up to this monster to make the world safe for our children. Hence, this legislation will require the country to go 100% carbon free. That’s right, we’re going to do whatever it takes to rid our country of carbon.
That or we could just introduce a new logo.
Anything you would add?
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Thursday, September 16, 2010
Can A New Logo Save The Democrats?
By now, talking about the Democrats being in trouble is like discussing the weather. But that doesn’t mean the Democrats have given up. . . well, not all of them. Yesterday, in what was billed as "a major announcement for the Democratic Party," party boss Tim Kaine unveiled their latest strategy: they’ve changed the logo of the DNC. That’s it (on the left, of course).Now call me crazy, but I’m not entirely thrilled with this logo. Indeed, if I were a Democrat, I would be pretty angry. But then, if I were a Democrat, I’d have to yank out large chunks of my brain and I probably wouldn’t know the difference. Look. . . drool.
When I see this new logo, one thing comes to mind: Dunkin Donuts. Or maybe a defective bullseye? Or maybe a Dutch subway (which is probably a euphemism for something. . . "hey sexy, how much for a Dutch Subway? Forty euros? Are you kidding? Pelosi gives them for free behind the Capitol!"). Hey, that's three thoughts, which is two more than Obama's ever had. I guess I'm over-qualified to be a Democratic Messiah now.
I wonder what happened to the “NC” in DNC? Did they lose it? Did the union guys just get lazy and leave it off? Is this some slight at North Carolina? Maybe they just wanted to end all the “Does Not Compute” or the "Dipsticks, Nuts and Crackpots" jokes by dropping the NC? Maybe the “D” is the grade they've given themselves. . . it's certainly higher than I would give them.
And why did they hire a five year old to draw the font for the word "Democrat"? Oh, that was Biden? I see. At least he spell checked.
Interestingly, they apparently stole the logo from a pizza restaurant from St. Louis. Typical Democrats, stealing from small business to support their habits. Still, it is better than the other logo they were considering, which was intended to convey a sense of how modern and tech savvy they are. Here’s that logo:
Oh, and do you see the new slogan too? “Change that matters.” Talk about lousy, but I guess it’s better than their prior slogan: “Bend over America,” or the alternate "It's Bush's Fault." Still, I don’t think the implication is very good. Are they saying they spent the last two years working on change that doesn’t matter?
In any event, we at Commentarama like to help the Democrats whenever we can. . . we have a soft spot for the criminally insane. So I’ve put together a new logo that they are free to use, just pay shipping and handling. But unlike their brain trust, I didn’t drive by any pizza places. No, siree. I brain my used instead. And I decided what better symbol than one that represents the various wings of their party! So here it is, with each of their major tribes represented: gay militants, militant feminists, black militants, militant environmental whackos, blood sucking lawyers, and. . . well, there would be a union sign, but they went on strike and then never finished the job. I've also left off the word "Democrat" because so many Democrats like to do that in their ads already.
What do you think? Kind of brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? So what kind of slogan would you suggest for these new-old Democrats . . . we can run it across the bottom?
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Thursday, May 20, 2010
Sometimes A Mascot Is Just A Cigar
You should not read this post unless you are at least 18 years old, and you have a greater sense of humor than the British people. Seriously, don’t read this if you don’t like “questionable” words and images. This post is not for children. . . it’s about the London 2012 Olympic Mascots.
Holy sh*t! Take a look at the picture on the right:
What you are seeing are the new mascots unveiled yesterday by the London 2012 Olympic Committee. These things supposedly represent Britain better than anything else they could think of. . . like Big Ben, a bulldog, or a Mohammed.
The one on the left, flipping the Hitler salute, is called “Wenlock,” a common British name that means “Binge Drinking.” The one on the right is called “Mandeville,” another common British name that means “Dental Problems.”
According to Lord “Cocky” Coe, chairman of the London Organizing Committee of the Olympic games, Binge Drinking and Dental Problems will “inspire young people to engage with sport.” By which he means, they will make kids think of athletic supporters.
It will come as no surprise that these two mascots have not gone over too well with the public. Here are some samples of the comments people left when these were unveiled. Some pondered what they could be:
God shave the Queen.
[+] Read More...
Holy sh*t! Take a look at the picture on the right:
What you are seeing are the new mascots unveiled yesterday by the London 2012 Olympic Committee. These things supposedly represent Britain better than anything else they could think of. . . like Big Ben, a bulldog, or a Mohammed.
The one on the left, flipping the Hitler salute, is called “Wenlock,” a common British name that means “Binge Drinking.” The one on the right is called “Mandeville,” another common British name that means “Dental Problems.”
According to Lord “Cocky” Coe, chairman of the London Organizing Committee of the Olympic games, Binge Drinking and Dental Problems will “inspire young people to engage with sport.” By which he means, they will make kids think of athletic supporters.
It will come as no surprise that these two mascots have not gone over too well with the public. Here are some samples of the comments people left when these were unveiled. Some pondered what they could be:
“Is it Mohammed?”Some questioned the design:
“Why is the handicapped one wearing crotchless chaps?”Some questioned the practical value to the taxpayers:
“Has the one in blue gone and soiled itself?”
“Another fine joke played on the long-suffering British taxpayer.”But then some began to see through the carnage to the evil intent:
“How can they spend all that money on this and the Olympics while there are politicians out there who need more money to waste?”
“This is obviously a cynical attempt by the Olympic Committee to steal viewers from the Gay Games.”And finally came acceptance:
“I, for one, welcome our new one-eyed overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted university researcher I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”But some still debate whether these truly represent Britain:
“Because nothing says ‘Britain’ like a creepy bipedal showerhead/penis thing with lobster claws.”But is that fair? They certainly don’t represent all of Britain, but they do an excellent job of hitting some of the recent highlights. Consider that:
• The eyes are indeed camera lenses, which represent the surveillance cameras that spy on everything and everyone in the UK.So all in all, it’s hard to complain about these mascots, even though there are many things that would have been more representative of Britain. They could have chosen a Big Ben-like mascot called “Huge Benjamin,” or a British Bulldog called “Bully,” or a binge-drunk teen called “Bingey,” a stuffed Prince of Charles, or a knife-wielding soccer fan called “Hooli,” or a turban wearing radical Imam called “Mohammed.” So many better choices. . .
• The bulge -- no, not that bulge, look higher -- is a nod to England's growing obesity.
• The design on Wenlock’s t-shirt, which some claim looks like one box creature giving oral sex to another box creature (see right), actually represents vomit, and thereby is inclusive of all the youthful binge drinkers that make up most of Britain.
• The no-hands thing is a nod to the loss of manufacturing jobs, and their replacement with knife-like claws vaguely recalls Britain’s proud tradition of knife crime.
• Finally, the penis shape is stolen from Greece, which was the first to use walking penises as mascots for the Olympics (see left). This represents solidarity with Greece, whose debt the British have lately begun to emulate.
God shave the Queen.
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Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Most Interesting Man In The Administration
People want him hung for his every word, even the prepositions.He can speak idiot, in gibberish.
His incompetence is expanding faster than the universe.
He lives vicariously through Neil Kinnock.
He once had a non-awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
He could dismember you with his motorcade or his policies.
He is a big f*cking deal.
He is the most interesting man in the administration.
“I don’t always get to drink at beer summits, but when I do, I prefer Kool-Aid.
Stay Thirsty my friends.” [+] Read More...
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
A Secret Plot?
Many on the left are wondering how it all went so wrong for them? How could the Democrats prove to be so utterly incompetent? Who knows? Meanwhile. . .
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Sunday, January 24, 2010
A Sale of Two Cities
It was a far, far sleazier thing that I was planning than I’d ever done before. But I was tired of working hard and trying to make a success of myself. There was another way, an easier way. But like all quick fixes, this one came at a price -- I'd have to sell my soul. Still, what’s a soul worth?I walked into the Rotunda Club, the seediest bar in town. I clutched my briefcase in my right hand. I had business to conduct and this was the place to do it, but I’d have to watch my back.
The center stage was empty, waiting for the next act. In the corner, Chris Dodd danced at a private table; he wore only some mortgage documents over his private parts. He danced under the name Sweetheart Deal. . . the brokers loved him.
Nancy Pelosi, a.k.a. Angel Dust, was on the stage to my left doing what could have been a comedy act. It’s hard to tell with her, but whatever it was, it would end with a strip tease. Today, she seemed to be imitating Castro, only she danced a little slower and I doubt Castro ever wore a feathered boa. But Angel Dust was classy. She never took dollars from the crowd, though they offered and they offered. No, if you wanted a piece of Nancy, you had to promise part ownership of your business. Then she would rock your financial world.
In the corner, I saw a couple bankers slip Maxine Waters a stack of bills. She smiled and picked up the cell phone they handed her. In the booth next to her, Charlie Rangel sat with an accountant, possibly working on his taxes, maybe just talking about loopholes. Rangel got comp'd all the rum he could drink, so he usually got pretty wild.
Harry Reid, the manager, likes to roam the room wearing half a cowboy get up. . . the top half. He seems kind of pathetic these days as he goes from table to table vacillating between telling dirty jokes and making half-apologies, and always asking for help, like a monkey grinder begging for pennies on a street corner. His life has seen better times.
Hidden in a dark booth just beyond the stage, I could see regular Mark Penn still counting the $6 million in stimulus money that he got for "stimulating" Hillary Clinton’s campaign. I hadn’t seen her much in the Rotunda Club lately. . . she used to do this fantastic act, where she’d pretend to go around the world, as the audience stuffed money in her husband’s bag. She was big with the foreigners who liked to visit the place. . . especially the Chinese tourists. But that was along time ago.
A loud noise erupted to my left. The new act appeared on center stage. He was some new kid I’d never heard of before. He called himself O.M.G., and he came out dressed like some sort of 14th Century French aristocrat. I’d heard he came from Chicago, where he did well for himself buying and selling real estate, particularly empty Senate seats. He used to draw huge crowds when he started, but his act lacks substance and people have started drifting away. These days he attracts mainly the union types and the Hollywood types. Still, they shower him with money. At one infamous party at the club, Stephen Spielberg slipped $1.3 million in small bills into O.M.G.’s jock. . . with his teeth.
This whole scene makes my stomach turn, but I keep telling myself that I'm only here to do business.
As I near my table, Congressman Jim Moran nuzzles up to me.
I slipped Moran a fiver to improve his eyesight.“Hey big contributor, wanna lap dance?”
“No thanks Jim.”
“Oh come on, me legislate for you long time. . .”
“No thanks, I’ve got business with Mary Landrieu.”
“What do you need with The New Orleans Madame? You don't need her. I can do anything you want. I got my biggest contributors $50 million in earmarks. . . they call me the Human Slot.”
“Sorry Jim, not today. But if you see Landrieu, send her over.”
It didn’t take long before Landrieu appeared at my booth. I could smell her perfume, Ode du Corrompu. She wore her hair up these days, but that didn’t help. She still looked like a three dollar Bourbon Street whore. She looked a lot better than her twin sister Blanche, but that wasn’t saying much. Their parents couldn't have been too proud.
I placed the briefcase onto the table and popped it open, flashing the wads of $100 bills I had collected from selling “invisible T-shirts” online, one of the greatest internet scams I’d ever seen.“I hear you’re looking for me big boy,” Landrieu said as she lit a cigarette. “My, that’s a pretty briefcase.”
“Glad you approve. Commentarama needs a license and we’re having trouble with the faceless bureau boys.”
“That’s too bad, you sound like someone who needs help. . . if only I could remember who could help you.”
She stroked my briefcase. She was being coy.“And here I thought you were just happy to see me,” she purred. I tried not to vomit.
“Always babe, what can this do for me?”
“What kind of license do you need?”
“Doesn’t matter. You pick one. I just want the regulators off my back.” I leaned in closer. “And I want my competitors shut down. . . I want a monopoly in at least two large cities, got it?”
I couldn’t compete with that, but I knew she was just holding out to get a better price. This money was going to her and nobody else, that played in my favor. Also, I didn’t have to compete against the biggest boys, just some poor suckers who had never heard of the Rotunda. I upped my price. “There’s another briefcase in my car, just waiting for the permits to clear, and it’s all yours.”“I can make that happen, but a monopoly is gonna be hard.”
“How hard?”
“GE spread around $27 million last year. So did Exxon. Pfizer gave $22 and Blue Cross $18. That’s a lot of love.”
She ran her fingers over my briefcase again. Finally, she clutched the handled and started to walk off. She called over her shoulder: “See you soon Mr. C. . . E. . . O. . .”
I had done it. Commentarama was about to become one of the most successful businesses in the country. I didn’t know yet what we were going to do, but with friends like these, those are details that just don’t matter.
I finished my drink and left the joint. On the way out, I saw Barney Frank legislating in a car with a couple of the boys from Goldman Sachs. I hated this place.
I felt dirty. . .
. . . but that would pass.
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Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Doctor Commentarama Is In. . .
You may not know this, but Commentarama operates a Talk Radio show called “Dr. Commentarama.” At least, we did until someone figured out that none of us have medical training. Qualifications, bah! Any hoo, here is the transcript from our last show. Enjoy!Dr. C: Yeah caller, I’d cut that off. . . I doubt you’ll miss it. Our next caller is “Joey B.” from Delaware. Go ahead caller.
”Joey B.”: Doctor, I’ve got this itch.
Dr. C: Of course you do.
”Joey B.”: I got it from this woman at work. Let’s call her “Hillary.”
Dr. C: Let’s not.
”Joey B.”: Oh man, she’s great. She’s not much to look at, like my wife. . . man, she’s a knockout. But I like her because she’s not very smart. Women shouldn’t be too smart. My wife is a doctor and she’s too smart. But this isn’t about Hillary. There’s this other woman at work. She’s clean and articulate, man she’s a storybook. She’s even got a magic garden that produces vegetables faster than it’s humanly possible.
Dr. C: So you’re interested in this woman?
”Joey B.”: Oh yeah, at some point. But right now, I’ve got my eye on this little filly. . . a real dog man, not like those women from the Ukraine, but she’s rock stupid. I mean she’s really dumb. I know my IQ is higher than hers. I love that!
Dr. C: What’s your question Joe?
”Joey B.”: Oh yeah, my question. How much Viagra can I take at one time?
Dr. C: Doesn’t it say on the bottle?
”Joey B.”: It might, but I lost the bottle. I've just got handfuls of the stuff in a briefcase. So how much can I take?
Dr. C: As much as you like Joe, as long as you drink to excess.
”Joey B.”: Won’t that cause my elbow to go double-jointed?
Dr. C: It might. Next caller, “Timmy G.” What’s up caller?
”Timmy G”: Thanks for taking my call. I have an embarrassing problem and I need you to assure me that no one will find out about this.
Dr. C: You do understand this is a radio show, right “Timmy G”?
”Timmy G”: I understand that. So can you assure me that no one will find out about this?
Dr. C: We can assure you of anything you like. What’s the question?
”Timmy G”: I used to have this job, and we had this program, let’s call it CARP. We did some things we probably shouldn’t have and there were a lot of documents. . . too many to shred in the office.
Dr. C: And?
”Timmy G”: Well, we needed to get the documents out to a commercial shredder, and I was watching a show about prison and I saw something they were doing.
Dr. C: You didn’t?
”Timmy G”: Yeah, it’s called “suitcasing.”
Dr. C: What happened?
”Timmy G”: They got stuck, about ten files full.
Dr. C: I’m speechless.
”Timmy G”: I wasn’t, I was screaming. I kept yelling at Barry and the Doddster, "stop stuffing, stop stuffing. Ow it hurts!"
Dr. C: What did you do then?
”Timmy G”: I, um, tried to extract them with my hand. . . but my hand got stuck in one of the binders.
Dr. C: Uh. . .
”Timmy G”: Then I tried the other hand and that got stuck too.
Dr. C: Wait a minute, how are you holding the phone?
”Timmy G”: I’m on speaker. I’m still in my office and I’m in a jam. How do I extract myself from this situation? I think the press is outside waiting for me.
Dr. C: I’d suggest eating more roughage. Let’s go to the next caller. This is “Hillary” from Foggy Bottom. Go ahead caller.
“Hillary”: Dr. C, I keep having this recurring dream.
Dr. C: Is this the one with the pink elephant and the tutu?
“Hillary”: No, but my boss keeps having that dream. This is the one where I go to work naked.
Dr. C: Ok, dream interpretation is easy. Being naked in a dream is usually a sign of stress, a sign that you are worried about being unprepared.
“Hillary”: I’m not worried about the naked part.
Dr. C: Your co-workers would be.
“Hillary”: After I get to work, I walk into my boss’s office and I start smacking him around. . . beating him to a pulp. The whole time he’s crying, “yes we can, yes we can.” And that just makes me angrier and angrier. As he crawls off into the corner crying, I grab this big red button off his desk and I push the button.
Dr. C: What happens when you push the button?
“Hillary”: Pakistan blows up.
Dr. C: Sounds fair. Why Pakistan?
“Hillary”: My husband is visiting a brothel in Pakistan at the time.
Dr. C: I see.
“Hillary”: I think this dream means that I should run for President.
Dr. C: That’s how I would interpret it. Final caller today is “Janet from DHS.” Go ahead caller.
”Janet from DHS”: Hi, my name is Janet.
Dr. C: Yeah, we know.
”Janet from DHS”: I have this job.
Dr. C: I figured.
”Janet from DHS”: I have to fight terrorists in my job.
Dr. C: I feel safer already.
”Janet from DHS”: Is there anything I can take that fights terrorists? Like something topical?
Dr. C: Napalm.
”Janet from DHS”: Can I get that over the counter?
Dr. C: Uh. . . Janet, are you sure you know what you’re doing? Terrorism isn’t really a medical problem.
”Janet from DHS”: It’s not?
Dr. C: No Janet, it’s not.
”Janet from DHS”: Jeez, everybody in my office told me to call you. I think I’ve been punked.
Dr. C: From the sound of it, so has the nation Janet. Alright folks, our time is up. Join us next week when we hear from Nancy P. who is suffering from early on-set zombism and soul death, and Harry R. who seems to have diarrhea coming out of his mouth. Take care.
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Friday, January 15, 2010
Technical Assistance, Commentarama Style
Sometimes a relationship goes stale. The chase becomes tedium. The challenge is gone. You’ve said everything you have to say. Those little things you once found charming. . . they become annoying. That’s how I feel about Nigerian Scammers. Who did you think I was talking about?I, for one, am sick of the low quality garbage these Nigerians keep sending to my inbox. They’re dull, pointless, and about as see-through as the latest Obama jobs claim lie. Blech. I miss the old days, when you looked at your inbox and you weren’t sure what was real or what wasn’t. Now it’s nothing but Spanish Lottery winners and rich widows trying to leave Africa. Come on people! You’ve got to step up your game.
So I’m going to offer some free advise to my friends from Nigeria. . . or Kenya.
The crux of the problem is this. Nobody believes that you would pick a “trusted friend” from a random e-mail. Not happening. BUT. . . people will believe that they stumbled upon something. So start with this: “Dear Harry, I have the money and am ready to send it to your account. But I need to act fast. If you were unable to open the account, then find me someone who can do this instead of you. I’m willing to share with whoever it is.”
Notice the advantages here. First, you don’t need to know who you’re talking to because your target thinks you were sending the e-mail to “Harry” and they will just assume you sent it to them by mistake. That means no more awkward e-mails to “Dearest Mr. Commentarama” or “My trusted friend flamingasshat7”. Secondly, this is believable because the target will think they’ve stumbled upon a scheme, not that you’ve offered them one. Trust me, humans are suspicious of offers that sound too good to be true (except from Congress), but they’re suckers for sneaky schemes.
Next, stop talking about lottery winnings. Everyone knows that nobody wins the Spanish lottery, not even the Spanish. And calling it the British lottery doesn’t help either. You need a better angle for where you got the money. I would suggest playing on the current strain of angry populism: “Harry, I got the TARP money from that rich greedy bank.” This has many advantages. First, banks aren’t people, they can’t feel pain so people feel no qualms about stealing from them. Secondly, some politicians reinforce this by telling us that it’s ok to take things from banks, because they’re evil and greedy. . . and foreign banks are the worst!
But if that isn’t simple enough for you, take a page from the frat party ad book. Send the following: “I’m going to shoot this panda if you don’t support ObamaCare send us $100.” Just make sure to include the picture of the panda. If you need to, substitute a baby.
Finally, get yourself an English speaker on staff. Seriously, the investment will pay for itself in days. If you’d like us to help you, just send us your account information and we’ll get right on that.
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Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Mad-Lib Obama Style
We probably shouldn’t admit this, but someone in the White House sent us an audio recording of our young President going about his daily routine. We thought we’d share the transcript with you.[Obama’s Voice]
Where did I put that troop plan? There it is. . . no, that’s not it. Oh here it is. . . no this isn’t it either. Must have left it in Copenhagen.
Hey, what’s this? A ‘Mad-Lib.’ I remember these from my youth. We used to do these in the madrassas between prayers. I wonder how this got here? Oh well, never turn down a lucky find, or a Nobel Prize! *chuckles*
Let’s see, how does this work again? ‘Read the clues and insert words, then flip the page and read the finished product.’ Great, I. . . uh, I’m great at reading.
Ok, the first one. Name someone with whom you disagree? Those. . . who. . . oppose. . . Wait! *scratching noise* I’ve got a better one: Pe. . .losi.
Name something people cherish? Healthcare. That seems important to people.
A body part. Heh heh. . . a butt.
Another body part. Brain.
Let’s see, something you say when you’re upset. Screw you.
Oh man there are a lot of these. Heart, brain, sewage, flatulence. If I’d known it took this much work, I wouldn’t have started. Something long? Let’s keep to the theme -- stool sample. No, better just put ‘stool’. . . just in case this ends up in the Presidential archives like that damn coloring book. Ok, just a few more. Drunk, socks, gunk.
Enough. Time to read. Ok. . . Man, that’s hard to read. It might be easier to read on the old teleprompter.
*clicking noise*
That’s better. Let’s see. . .
*chuckles* Isn’t that the truth?!All the Whos down in Whoville liked Healthcare a lot,
But the Pelosi, who lived just west of Whoville, did not.
*chuckles* Really nailed her!The Pelosi hated healthcare, all without reason.
Oh, please don’t ask why, there’s no reason you would believe in.
It could be, perhaps, that her shoes were too tight.
Or maybe her butt wasn’t screwed on just right.
But I think that the best reason of all
May have been that her brain was two sizes too small.
Think I’ll skip ahead. . . took away health care. . . taxed the Whos. . . yada yada yada. Here we go.
This is amazing. It’s like this book can tell the future! I should get Rahm to read this when he gets back from having his rear end waxed.They're finding out now that no Healthcare is coming.
They're just waking up, I know just what they'll do.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry, "Screw you!"
*chuckles* All that college stuff finally pays off!You're a monster, Ms. Pelosi.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of sewage.
You've got flatulence in your soul.
Ms. Pelosi. I wouldn't touch you, with a...thirty-nine-and-a-half foot stool.
And she’s got a lot of junk in the trunk, magic book!You're a foul one, Ms. Pelosi.
You're a nasty, wasty drunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks.
Your soul is full of gunk.
[Outside voices]
Oh shoot, someone’s coming, better look busy. Ah, yeah, I think 30,000 more troops should be good. That’ll show those Romanians who’s boss. Who says I can't make a decision?!
That’s where the tape cut out. We don’t quite know what to make of it yet, but if we reach any conclusions (or if we invade Romania), we’ll let you know.
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Thursday, November 26, 2009
American Idioms (Revised)
Weekends and holidays are the best times for politicians to release bad news. That makes today the perfect day. And boy do we have a doozy scoop for you! It seems that Team Obama is going to use the cover of this great holiday to announce a new program called The Media Cooperation Program.
How do we know this you ask? Well, Commentarama has a post office box at 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington. This means that we get a lot of mail from the White House by mistake -- especially Biden’s credit card bills. We don’t normally open their mail, being good neighbors and all, but the one this morning was hard to resist -- it had “Confidential Official Document Do Not Open Under Penalty Of Law” written all over the envelop. . . that’s practically screaming “open me!” So we did.
And what is The Media Cooperation Program? It turns out that the Obama people and their friends in the media have decided to try a little brainwashing. For weeks now, Team Obama has been paying bloggers to slip “revised” idioms into their blogs in an effort to subconsciously align the public's thinking with Obama’s agenda. How evil!! And now they want to expand this to the mainstream media!
Here are several specific idioms they've already snuck into blogs. Watch for these and others from here on out people! Don’t fall for this!!!
[+] Read More...
How do we know this you ask? Well, Commentarama has a post office box at 1601 Pennsylvania Avenue, in Washington. This means that we get a lot of mail from the White House by mistake -- especially Biden’s credit card bills. We don’t normally open their mail, being good neighbors and all, but the one this morning was hard to resist -- it had “Confidential Official Document Do Not Open Under Penalty Of Law” written all over the envelop. . . that’s practically screaming “open me!” So we did.
And what is The Media Cooperation Program? It turns out that the Obama people and their friends in the media have decided to try a little brainwashing. For weeks now, Team Obama has been paying bloggers to slip “revised” idioms into their blogs in an effort to subconsciously align the public's thinking with Obama’s agenda. How evil!! And now they want to expand this to the mainstream media!
Here are several specific idioms they've already snuck into blogs. Watch for these and others from here on out people! Don’t fall for this!!!
Creepy huh? Have you run into any of these? Seen any others?Waste a crisis not, want not.
Patience and Silence are now virtues.
A bird in the hand is worth more now than it was under Bush.
The best things in life are provided by the government.
Don’t judge a book by its ghostwriter.
Honesty is one policy.
If a job’s worth doing, it should be done by union labor.
A borrower be.
Give a man a fish because he may not like fishing.
A snitch in time saves nine union jobs.
Tax on all trades, targeted growth in some.
Terrorism begins at home.
People who live in glass houses should be taxed.
It’s always darkest because of Bush.
We don’t have time to learn to walk.
Biden’s mental prowess runs deep.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, except in Congressional Ethics Committee hearings.
All that glitters could be gold.
You can make a horse drink, but Bush made it impossible to lead it to water.
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Wednesday, November 25, 2009
A Thanksgiving Message From Joe Biden
** Editor's Note: Today we have a very special guest, Vice President Joe Biden. Mr. Biden asked if he could give a Thanksgiving Address to our readers. Who are we to refuse.I’d like to thank the good people of Contentarama for letting me address you good people on this great American holiday.
Thanksgiving day is a day for giving thanks. . .
. . . man, that’s clever speech writing *reads speech to self*
. . . this looks like a good speech. . . but today isn’t a day for reading speeches, we all know there’s been too much of that these days! *laughs* So let’s throw out the teleprompters. I’m going to speak from the heart.
Thanksgiving day is a day to be thankful, unless you're an Indian. *laughs* Not the kind that works in "a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts" but the kind that owns a casino. *laughs* I should probably stop that.
Look, I want to talk to you about why I’m thankful.
Being the party in power, we get a lot of criticism. . . a lot of criticism. Let me tell you, it comes in by the truckload! And much of it is deserved. I read so much of it and I just nod my head. I say, 'Joe, yeah, that’s true.' But some of it isn’t fair. We can’t get everything right, and some of the stuff we do will never work. We know that, we’re not stupid. But sometimes in politics you’ve got to do things that just don’t make any sense because somebody who gives you money wants you to do it.
But we don’t do that much. And the reason we don’t is because of this guy we’ve got as President. I thank God every day that we have him. “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” We should all be thankful for him.
Let me tell you, he’s something special. He’s not like some of those “turkeys” you have to work with in this job. But you’ve got to work with each of them -- “even if you don’t like the SOB.”
Just this morning he showed real leadership. Leadership like we haven’t seen before in this country’s history. Listen to this. Now, a lot of people say, pardon that turkey. . . pardon that turkey Barack. .. pardon that turkey Joe. (I hope they don’t have to say that when our term is over! *laughs*) But I looked at Barack and I said, you can’t do that. What kind of message does that send? This turkey must have done something or he wouldn’t be in trouble. You can’t just pardon him.
I looked at Barack and I said, ‘Barack, you’ve got to do the right thing. You can’t just pardon that turkey and you can’t do what Bush would have done. You’ve got to give this turkey his civil rights.’ And I told him, ‘you’ve got to try this turkey in Federal District Court, maybe in New York.’ And he looked at me and. . . and this is the leadership part. . . he said, ‘Joe, I agree.’ And now that turkey is going to have his day is court.
I’m thankful for my wife too. “My wife Jill. . . is drop dead gorgeous. She also has her doctorate degree, which is a problem.” My wife. Man. Let me tell you, “I’d rather be at home making love to my wife while my children are asleep” than giving this speech.
I thank God that I get to travel in private planes and cars. That swine flu is really bad. “I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now. . . When one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft.” I don’t know how you people are going to do the Thanksgiving travel thing. Of course, my motorcade isn’t much safer. Three accidents in a week. But I’m ok, and for that I’m thankful.
I thank God too that I’m not a Detroit Lions fan. How bad do things get before you need to like that baseball team.
I can't think of anything else. Maybe I should have read the speech? *laughs*
Let me just finish by saying that we all need to think about why this administration makes us thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving. Felice Navidance.
** Everything within full "quotation marks" is an actual Bidenism, spoken in earnest by your Vice President.
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Thursday, November 5, 2009
News Round Up
We at Commentarama like to keep our audience well informed of all things, not just politics. So today we’re going to cover some non-political news you may have missed (unless you count a speech by some German woman to Congress as “political”).
News Flash: “German Tree Falls In Congress. . . No One Hears.”
According to a British news organization, German Chancellor Angela Merkel made an “historic” address to the United States Congress sometime this week, though no one in America knew about it. . . other than three Congressmen who happened to be buying drugs from pages on the floor of the House at the time.
Merkel, only the second German chancellor to address Congress since Konrad Adenaur in 1957, praised America’s efforts in World War II and playfully suggested they would win the next one.
She then went on to state that Iran must not be allowed to have nuclear weapons, and she reiterated Germany’s intentions to do nothing about it.
Before her address on Capitol Hill, President Obama praised her as an extraordinary leader. “Germany has been an extraordinarily strong ally on a whole host of international issues,” said Obama before adding “if you don’t count all that World War stuff. . . or the fact they are too frightened to leave their own borders now.”
He also implored Merkel to send German troops to Afghanistan, which elicited a “not on a bet” response from Merkel.
Obama could not attend the speech in person, as his favorite soap opera was on at the time.
Merkel then warned that the United States needed to join the Europeans in their environmental suicide pack, noting that there was “no time to lose,” bringing snickering from the Wisconsin delegation, noted fans of Monty Python (at 2:40).
Merkel finished her speech by recounting her days as a child in East Germany, torturing dissidents.
News Flash: Trainsmacking
In a recent case of an unstoppable force meeting a soft squish object, the naked man lost.
James Lampiris, 18 and stupid, of Stafford, Virginia gained public notoriety this week when he “ate” mushrooms, which caused him to strip naked, run around, scream at passersby, and then, believing he had super powers, smack right into a CSX train. The train won.
But God does look after drunks and fools, and Lampiris was both. The train was only traveling at 9 mile per hour when Lampiris first spotted it and it slowed significantly before his attack. After the collision, the conductor found Lampiris sitting near the train. He ran off before the police arrived.
The mushroom industry would neither confirm nor deny that mushrooms give train stopping powers, though industry expert Bill Wilson, speaking on condition of anonymity, claims that Lampiris simply failed to eat enough mushrooms for the special powers to kick in.
CSX reports that the train has been placed into therapy.
Congressman Barney Frank has sworn to personally investigate this incident.
News Flash: And the horse you rode in on. . .
Send the kids out of the room, this one’s. . . different. Meet Rodell Vereen. Vereen was sentenced to three years in prison this week after pleading guilty for a second time in two years to having sex with a horse. The same horse. And it’s not even his horse.
Vereen was caught by the horse’s owner, who held him at shotgun point until authorities could arrive. The “Horry County Court” (no kidding) also ordered Vereen to never again go near that particular stable. Though if he sees the horse out in public, he’s free to renew his relationship.
Said Vereen, “I didn’t mean to do it.” WTF?!! This is not something that happens by accident like dropping a sandwich or launching a Russian nuclear missile! This was a conscious act. You don’t just suddenly find yourself have sex with a horse. . . for the second time!!!
He then admitted, “It’s my fault.” A stance he took only after his attorney advised him that his initial claim, that “the horse entrapped me,” wasn’t going to work.
Fortunately, he was charged with buggery, which allowed for the higher sentence than would have been imposed if he’d been charged with simple horseplay.
Congressman Barney Frank has sworn to personally investigate this incident.
News Flash: “Dead Man Walking. . . Drinking.”
Finally, this little gem from Brazil. A noble country. . . a lofty country. They do things differently in Brazil. Indeed, just the other day, they laid to rest Ademir Jorge Goncalves, a bricklayer. But as is so common with Southern countries where VooDoo priests regularly offer zombification services, he wasn't dead. But he wasn't a zombie either. Instead, he had spent a long night drinking rum. . . and trainsmacking. The family was quite surprised when he appeared at the funeral. Undeterred, they went ahead with the funeral. No word on who they buried.
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News Flash: “German Tree Falls In Congress. . . No One Hears.”
According to a British news organization, German Chancellor Angela Merkel made an “historic” address to the United States Congress sometime this week, though no one in America knew about it. . . other than three Congressmen who happened to be buying drugs from pages on the floor of the House at the time.
Merkel, only the second German chancellor to address Congress since Konrad Adenaur in 1957, praised America’s efforts in World War II and playfully suggested they would win the next one.
She then went on to state that Iran must not be allowed to have nuclear weapons, and she reiterated Germany’s intentions to do nothing about it.
Before her address on Capitol Hill, President Obama praised her as an extraordinary leader. “Germany has been an extraordinarily strong ally on a whole host of international issues,” said Obama before adding “if you don’t count all that World War stuff. . . or the fact they are too frightened to leave their own borders now.”
He also implored Merkel to send German troops to Afghanistan, which elicited a “not on a bet” response from Merkel.
Obama could not attend the speech in person, as his favorite soap opera was on at the time.
Merkel then warned that the United States needed to join the Europeans in their environmental suicide pack, noting that there was “no time to lose,” bringing snickering from the Wisconsin delegation, noted fans of Monty Python (at 2:40).
Merkel finished her speech by recounting her days as a child in East Germany, torturing dissidents.
News Flash: Trainsmacking
In a recent case of an unstoppable force meeting a soft squish object, the naked man lost.
James Lampiris, 18 and stupid, of Stafford, Virginia gained public notoriety this week when he “ate” mushrooms, which caused him to strip naked, run around, scream at passersby, and then, believing he had super powers, smack right into a CSX train. The train won.
But God does look after drunks and fools, and Lampiris was both. The train was only traveling at 9 mile per hour when Lampiris first spotted it and it slowed significantly before his attack. After the collision, the conductor found Lampiris sitting near the train. He ran off before the police arrived.
The mushroom industry would neither confirm nor deny that mushrooms give train stopping powers, though industry expert Bill Wilson, speaking on condition of anonymity, claims that Lampiris simply failed to eat enough mushrooms for the special powers to kick in.
CSX reports that the train has been placed into therapy.
Congressman Barney Frank has sworn to personally investigate this incident.
News Flash: And the horse you rode in on. . .
Send the kids out of the room, this one’s. . . different. Meet Rodell Vereen. Vereen was sentenced to three years in prison this week after pleading guilty for a second time in two years to having sex with a horse. The same horse. And it’s not even his horse.
Vereen was caught by the horse’s owner, who held him at shotgun point until authorities could arrive. The “Horry County Court” (no kidding) also ordered Vereen to never again go near that particular stable. Though if he sees the horse out in public, he’s free to renew his relationship.
Said Vereen, “I didn’t mean to do it.” WTF?!! This is not something that happens by accident like dropping a sandwich or launching a Russian nuclear missile! This was a conscious act. You don’t just suddenly find yourself have sex with a horse. . . for the second time!!!
He then admitted, “It’s my fault.” A stance he took only after his attorney advised him that his initial claim, that “the horse entrapped me,” wasn’t going to work.
Fortunately, he was charged with buggery, which allowed for the higher sentence than would have been imposed if he’d been charged with simple horseplay.
Congressman Barney Frank has sworn to personally investigate this incident.
News Flash: “Dead Man Walking. . . Drinking.”
Finally, this little gem from Brazil. A noble country. . . a lofty country. They do things differently in Brazil. Indeed, just the other day, they laid to rest Ademir Jorge Goncalves, a bricklayer. But as is so common with Southern countries where VooDoo priests regularly offer zombification services, he wasn't dead. But he wasn't a zombie either. Instead, he had spent a long night drinking rum. . . and trainsmacking. The family was quite surprised when he appeared at the funeral. Undeterred, they went ahead with the funeral. No word on who they buried.
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