Thursday, November 5, 2009

News Round Up

We at Commentarama like to keep our audience well informed of all things, not just politics. So today we’re going to cover some non-political news you may have missed (unless you count a speech by some German woman to Congress as “political”).

News Flash: “German Tree Falls In Congress. . . No One Hears.”

According to a British news organization, German Chancellor Angela Merkel made an “historic” address to the United States Congress sometime this week, though no one in America knew about it. . . other than three Congressmen who happened to be buying drugs from pages on the floor of the House at the time.

Merkel, only the second German chancellor to address Congress since Konrad Adenaur in 1957, praised America’s efforts in World War II and playfully suggested they would win the next one.

She then went on to state that Iran must not be allowed to have nuclear weapons, and she reiterated Germany’s intentions to do nothing about it.

Before her address on Capitol Hill, President Obama praised her as an extraordinary leader. “Germany has been an extraordinarily strong ally on a whole host of international issues,” said Obama before adding “if you don’t count all that World War stuff. . . or the fact they are too frightened to leave their own borders now.”

He also implored Merkel to send German troops to Afghanistan, which elicited a “not on a bet” response from Merkel.

Obama could not attend the speech in person, as his favorite soap opera was on at the time.

Merkel then warned that the United States needed to join the Europeans in their environmental suicide pack, noting that there was “no time to lose,” bringing snickering from the Wisconsin delegation, noted fans of Monty Python (at 2:40).

Merkel finished her speech by recounting her days as a child in East Germany, torturing dissidents.

News Flash: Trainsmacking

In a recent case of an unstoppable force meeting a soft squish object, the naked man lost.

James Lampiris, 18 and stupid, of Stafford, Virginia gained public notoriety this week when he “ate” mushrooms, which caused him to strip naked, run around, scream at passersby, and then, believing he had super powers, smack right into a CSX train. The train won.

But God does look after drunks and fools, and Lampiris was both. The train was only traveling at 9 mile per hour when Lampiris first spotted it and it slowed significantly before his attack. After the collision, the conductor found Lampiris sitting near the train. He ran off before the police arrived.

The mushroom industry would neither confirm nor deny that mushrooms give train stopping powers, though industry expert Bill Wilson, speaking on condition of anonymity, claims that Lampiris simply failed to eat enough mushrooms for the special powers to kick in.

CSX reports that the train has been placed into therapy.

Congressman Barney Frank has sworn to personally investigate this incident.

News Flash: And the horse you rode in on. . .

Send the kids out of the room, this one’s. . . different. Meet Rodell Vereen. Vereen was sentenced to three years in prison this week after pleading guilty for a second time in two years to having sex with a horse. The same horse. And it’s not even his horse.

Vereen was caught by the horse’s owner, who held him at shotgun point until authorities could arrive. The “Horry County Court” (no kidding) also ordered Vereen to never again go near that particular stable. Though if he sees the horse out in public, he’s free to renew his relationship.

Said Vereen, “I didn’t mean to do it.” WTF?!! This is not something that happens by accident like dropping a sandwich or launching a Russian nuclear missile! This was a conscious act. You don’t just suddenly find yourself have sex with a horse. . . for the second time!!!

He then admitted, “It’s my fault.” A stance he took only after his attorney advised him that his initial claim, that “the horse entrapped me,” wasn’t going to work.

Fortunately, he was charged with buggery, which allowed for the higher sentence than would have been imposed if he’d been charged with simple horseplay.

Congressman Barney Frank has sworn to personally investigate this incident.

News Flash: “Dead Man Walking. . . Drinking.”

Finally, this little gem from Brazil. A noble country. . . a lofty country. They do things differently in Brazil. Indeed, just the other day, they laid to rest Ademir Jorge Goncalves, a bricklayer. But as is so common with Southern countries where VooDoo priests regularly offer zombification services, he wasn't dead. But he wasn't a zombie either. Instead, he had spent a long night drinking rum. . . and trainsmacking. The family was quite surprised when he appeared at the funeral. Undeterred, they went ahead with the funeral. No word on who they buried.


LawHawkSF said...

Andrew: Glad to hear there's "unusual" news from places other than San Francisco. Thanks for the laughs.

Writer X said...

There was a similar story in Phoenix a few years ago to the Vereen story except that the guy in Mesa, Arizona, apparently had a thing for sheep. No kidding.

Poor Merkel. She was treated like Alice in THE BRADY BUNCH--loved, sort of, but always kept in her place. I'm guessing the Obama glow has worn off for her, too.

AndrewPrice said...

Writer X, I'm pretty sure it ended the moment she realized Obama is an idiot. It's kind of hard to solve the world's problems when you're relying on an idiot.

Sheep, horses. . . not that different in my mind. Yuck.

AndrewPrice said...

Lawhawk, The difference is that this stuff is probably legal in San Fran.

StanH said...

Andrew, you had better be careful talking about democratic constituency like that, people have needs.

Merkel has her good points global warming ain’t one of them. The German delegation were probably laughing at, and about Barry when he wasn’t in the room.

Probably the best funeral that dude ever attended. Use the opportunity to say a few kind words about the deceased.

AndrewPrice said...

Stan, I'm guessing that a lot of delegations are starting to laugh at Obama. In fact, I can't think of one that isn't.

Tennessee Jed said...

Deliciously weird news in a nice writing style. I could almost hear it being spoken by a man from my original home town of Binghamton, N.Y. named Rod Sterling . . . "submitted for your approval . . . a man and his musrooms and his train." It kind of gives a whole new meaning to the old phrase "he's gone to see a man about a horse" don't you think?

AndrewPrice said...

Jed, Thanks -- being compared to Rod Serling in any way is a huge complement!

You're right about the "see a man about a horse" comment. Yikes.

Tennessee Jed said...

Andrew - thanks for the catch on my typo of Rod's name btw.

AndrewPrice said...

No problem Jed, I know what you meant.

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