Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Obama Speaks on Libya

Ladies and Gentlemen. Through our sources, we have obtained the original copy of Obama’s Libya speech before someone apparently cleaned it up ever so slightly. After you read this, tell us in the comments if you think this would have been better than Obama’s confused snoozer last night? And feel free to tell us what you might have said in his place. . . we'll pass your comments on to our contact "Joey B."

******

Enter speechifying room. . .
Look serious. . .
Read from TOTUS. . .
NO adlibbing. . .

******
Good evening. Tonight, I’d like to update you Americans on the international effort going on in a place called Libya -- what they have done, what I heard the Frensh and Britters plan to do about it, and why you should blame George Bush if you are unhappy.

I want to begin by paying tribute to the men and women in uniform on both sides. Because of them, our dedicated diplomats have saved uncountable numbers of lives. Meanwhile, as we speak, American troops are supporting your ally Japan, leaving Iraq to its people, generally not invading 187 other countries, futzing around with the Taliban in Afghanistan, and some other stuff that I don’t remember from the briefing. That has nothing to do with Libya, but it sounds good (don't read this part out loud).

You may not know this, I certainly didn't, but Libya sits directly between Tunisia and Egypt -- two nations that are located in a place called “the Middle East,” near Mexico. We used to call them the Orient, but that was racist, so we no longer call them Orientals. Instead, they are now called Orientations, which makes them happy and gay. Let me give a shout out to my third biggest contributors!

Libya is ruled by a man named Miramar Gandalf, who looks like Michael Jackson and smells like fish oil. He has denied his people their freedom, he exploited their wealth, he raised their taxes and he tried to seize their health care system and put it under the control of his sinister government. He has also involuntarily-ended-the-continuing-living of those who oppose him at home and man-made-disasterized journalists. That is what happened in Libya six weeks ago.

Exactly one day after that began, some people in places called Frensh and Britterica took action to try to stop Mr. Gandalf. Because they acted, we too have a responsibility to act so that we don’t seem weak. Though, we are naturally reluctant to use non-peaceful-expression to solve the world’s many challenges, the use of non-peaceful-expression is called for in this instance. But you can rest assured that I will do my utmost not to solve any of the problems in this Libya place.

When Gandalf began non-peacing his people, my immediate concern as President was with the safety of our citizens in Brazil. So I went to Brazil to ensure that our people, Kenyan and American, were not being mistreated. Contrary to what those who oppose tell you in the media, this was not just a vacation. And I can happily confirm to you that my trip was a success and for the first time in my wife’s life, she is proud to know where Brazil is located.

I understand that when the Frensh and Britters started non-peacing Gandalf’s non-peacing paid-volunteers, Gandalf chose to escalate his non-peacing. That was when I received a call from Obama bin Laden, my long lost uncle. He asked if we could non-peace some people in Libya too. So I unleashed non-civilian jets and helicopter regulated-militia-owners-ships upon people who had no means to defend themselves. These were taxhoarders and the IRS made swift work of them. I also ordered our non-peacers to do something about Libya. They tell me they have.

And we are not alone in this. Canada sent a box of maple syrup. Denmark and Norway sent a card. Italy and Spain and Greece sent promissory notes. Turkey sent a brigade to help Mr. Gandalf. And some of the Orientations sent other things in a box that I haven’t opened yet.

Make no mistake, we are serious about not-surrendering in this mutual non-agreement until our grievances are given a fair hearing by Mr. Gandalf. And we will stay involved and proactive in these events until such time as it is no longer time to remain involved or proactive, and I assure you that will be at some point. In the meantime, I have ordered my political team to find an exit strategy that allows me to blame this entire incident on the failure of George Bush to solve these problems before they were dumped in my lap. Tonight I ask you all to respond to all poll questions regarding Libya by blaming Mr. Bush.

Good night and may Allah bless you with a sexy camel.

49 comments:

DUQ said...

Nice! That would definitely have been a better speech. It doesn't look like his speech went over all that well either does it?

AndrewPrice said...

DUQ, Thanks! None of his speeches have gone over well since the first couple during the campaign. They left tried for a while to claim that everything he said was great, but you started seeing reality breaking through around the health care debate. By now, they don't even bother defending his speeches.

AndrewPrice said...

DUQ, I guess I should add that we should check the ratings to see if the public is even paying attention anymore. I'll bet his ratings were way down -- which is a bad sign considering he was talking about a new US war.

BevfromNYC said...

I was surprised that his speech was at 7:30pm EDT which means no one was even HOME to watch it in other places. By design I am sure. All I saw was "God Bless you and may God Bless the United States of America" {{bleeeccch}} After reading the transcript (the final version) I can see i didn't miss any valuable information that would actually make me understand why we are there and what our objectives are...

But, that being said, the version you found must have been a later draft because wouldn't he normally refer to Britters and Frensh as "Those Illegal and Evil Colonialists" and not once did he use the words "kinetic military action".

Joel Farnham said...

You know what is really irritating about this? Obama didn't really get behind the rebels until it became obvious al Quaeda joined their ranks.

The parallels of the Carter/Obama administrations are diverging. Carter is starting to look better and better.

We wouldn't have half these problems if Carter didn't renege on Iran's king. To be fair, if Iran's king had dealt with his people fairly, Carter's stupidity wouldn't have mattered.

Obama is going to get us into another war, this time on the side of terrorists.

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, I'm just passing on what Joey B sent us! ;-) Good point though about "those illegal and evil Colonialists."

I read that they tried to time the speech so that it didn't interfere with Dance With The Stars, but I suspect they timed it so that no one could watch it -- because he didn't really say anything. The speech was rambling and pointless, and has been pretty poorly received all around.

His case for why we are in Libya was poor -- though I think there is a good case to be made. His obsession with saying this isn't Iraq struck me as cowardly. And I still have no idea what he's trying to achieve or when he plans to stop this non-peacing. The best I could figure, it's when Gadhafi stops his "barbaric genocide" and just goes back to a "regular genocide"?

If anyone has a better idea, please let me know.

AndrewPrice said...

Joel, You make an excellent point. When this thing started, it was the middle class living in oil towns who were rising up. If Obama had acted with a no fly zone or sent weapons to the rebels, this would have been a clear victory for the moderate middle class. But he ran to Brazil and gave al Qaeda a chance to get involved.

History has shown over and over, when good people fail to act, bad people will step into the vacuum and exploit it. I'm not saying Obama is good, but the US is, and we could have kept the terrorists as outsiders looking in. Instead, we may end up having to deal with them too.

In terms of Carter v. Obama, Obama is quickly proving to be worse. He's got Carter's cowardice and lack of judgment and he's combined it with indifference and arrogance. I can't imagine a worse combination.

CrispyRice said...

LOL @ "When Gandalf began non-peacing his people, my immediate concern as President was with the safety of our citizens in Brazil." hee hee!!

I have to admit, I was totally planning on watching the speech, just to watch him squirm a bit. And it was on so freakin' early that I completely missed it.

"A" for effort??

CrispyRice said...

PS - I really love your funny articles, Andrew. You've got a wicked sense of humor!

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Crispy! I don't know about giving Obama an "A" for effort, but I can think of other "A" words that might fit! ;-)

Sorry to hear you didn't get your chance to watch him speak, but you really didn't miss much. In fact, didn't really say anything you didn't already know and he either didn't get that or didn't care. All told, it was a poor effort, even for Obama.

T_Rav said...

Andrew, my sources tell me you omitted a paragraph (which was itself omitted by Obama's "speechwriters"--and I use that term loosely):

"And let me be clear" (drink!), "the U.S. will always intervene, come what may, whatever the cost, in places where tyrannical governments are oppressing their people and creating a humanitarian crisis. Except Iran. And Honduras. And North Korea. And China. And Syria. And also Pakistan. And you can just forget about Venezuela and Cuba. But aside from them, you can take that pledge to the bank."

T_Rav said...

Also, Bev (and Andrew), the reason it got moved to 7:30 was because the networks balked at getting their prime-time programs cut into. Which should give you a clue as to what they thought of this speech beforehand.

AndrewPrice said...

T_Rav, I'm frankly a little surprised that wasn't in the speech anywhere! ;-)

Seriously, what is the Obama Doctrine -- hide and dodge responsibility, and put our heads in the sand until someone else forces us to act?

I've never seen a more rudderless foreign policy in my life. Obama makes Carter look like Reagan.

Anonymous said...

Andrew, your version makes more sense than anything that has come out of dear leader's mouth or his administration here lately.

Oh and thanks for taking another one for the team by actually listening to anything he has to say. I just can't stomach him.

TJ

AndrewPrice said...

T_Rav, That's interesting, that a Democrat and former-MSM-Messiah couldn't get network time to discuss a war. What does that say about Obama and how far he's fallen!

A couple years ago, ABC actually moved into the White House to help him. MSNBC was feeling tingles. Now he can't even get television time in prime time?

Unbelievable!

AndrewPrice said...

TJ, You're welcome. It really has become very hard to listen to him. I kind of swing wildly back and forth between extreme indifference and anger whenever he speaks. And nothing he says is worth listening to.

In any event, I'm glad you liked this original speech. I think it's "more honest" of Obama's mindset and what we can expect than the speech he gave last night.

Seriously, November 2012 can't come fast enough before this clown does something else to hurt our country.

T_Rav said...

Andrew, as I said on Facebook last night, I have to laugh, because otherwise I would cry. This idiot flat-out lied by saying he consulted Congress beforehand, twisted the facts in his comparison to Bosnia, had the temerity to paint Bush's actions against Iraq as incompetent compared to his, and a bunch of other crap. I was scrolling through conservative websites last night, and people--especially those with friends or relatives in the military--were LIVID. I don't think I've seen the f-word so many times at once. Disgusting.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to initiate some kinetic skull action against my desk.

AndrewPrice said...

T_Rav, I am not surprised to hear that reaction. His speech was packed with lies and misleading statements -- as you point out quite clearly, and he's a total incompetent hypocrite on these matters. This is not a man who should have the power to send soldiers into battle because he doesn't have the brains or the nerve. What's more, I've never seen any evidence that he cares about our soldiers or our country. He really is a disgrace.

DUQ said...

I think T_Rav adition should be added to the speech!

DUQ said...

Oops, "addition" not "adition."

AndrewPrice said...

DUQ, I would it, but the whole speech has been copyrighted by Joey B, and he would probably be upset if we started messing with it! ;-)

Don't worry about the typo, I got you.

rlaWTX said...

TOO FUNNY!!!!

and I give you props for being able to actually out-satire reality. it's getting more and more difficult these days (See Tolerance_Lover's travails) as our Dear Leader and his supporters blurt more and more bizarre things.

I got home at 7:15pm(CDT) and wondered where the speech went... now I know...
If they had had the temerity to put it half an hour earlier, I would have known as soon as I walked in the door - that would have pre-empted Jeopardy - a capital crime in my g'parent's house! but this way it was just Wheel of Fortune.

AndrewPrice said...

rlaWTX, Thanks! It is getting a lot harder to out-parody reality these days! Obama has seriously become a parody of himself, so much so that I almost expect his speeches to turn into SNL skits at some point.

Last night for example, he kept using words all over the place, but they just never seemed to add up to anything. It sounded a lot like the "Make no mistake" paragraph above, as I kept thinking "what did he just say?" and "does that actually mean anything?"

It just amazes me how utterly incompetent he has become as a leader -- especially since he has a team helping him. It's not like he had to write the speech himself or that he even needs to come up with his own policies himself. He has a huge staff of supposed-professionals to help him. Yet... this is what we get?!

It's almost like he's trying to do poorly. It's very strange.

T_Rav said...

Thanks, DUQ! I appreciate the vote of approval, though as Andrew points out, it probably won't get by Joey B. Altering a speech like that is a big f---in' deal, after all.

rlaWTX, I think you should know that Tolerance-lover is not amused by your smearing of his troll capabilites. Don't ask me how I know. Also, did you just diss "Wheel of Fortune"?!

LawHawkRFD said...

Was the speech translated into Libyan, the language the local Arabicas speak?

AndrewPrice said...

T_Rav, I apologize for saying you weren't a good troll. LOL! It really was a compliment you know! :-)

On the "big f___ing deal" quote, I love that quote. That was so inappropriate and so unnecessary, that it totally summarizes Joe Biden in a single moment.

AndrewPrice said...

Lawhawk, No, but it was translated into Austrian. . . or was it Brazilian? No... they speak Mexican, I almost forgot! LOL!

T_Rav said...

Andrew, I know. I had to bring it up, though, because I totally punked LawHawk with it the other day, so I was feeling pretty good about myself. I know, I know, being a weak troll is actually a good thing :-)

And re Hawk's comment about the speech not being translated into Libyan, it doesn't really matter. The rebels are currently running from Daffy's militia because we haven't done much humanitarian bombing in the past few hours, so I doubt they have much time to read or listen to it just now anyway.

AndrewPrice said...

T_Rav, Yeah, I saw you punk Lawhawk. I tried to stay out of it to give you a chance to have your fun. LOL!

If you want experience trolling, go read Huffpo. Even the normal commenters act like trolls there!

"Humanitarian bombing." If that's not the euphemism to end all euphemisms, then it's close!

DUQ said...

T_Rav, Any time! I always say give credit where credit is do and you come up with some great things every once in a while around here. :D

BevfromNYC said...

HEY, Andrew, I take great exception to you besmirching the Trolls at HuffPo. I count myself among some of the finest HuffPo tro//ies as we are called and I get the extra added bonus of being a "tro//ie tea-bagger" too! DEE-lightful!

Oh, btw T-Rav - Oh, my, is that true that the networks wouldn't give Obama Primetime?? That is very, very sad...

BevfromNYC said...

BTW, did you use your "Bam-chop" sock puppet when you wrote this?

T_Rav said...

Bev, I'm afraid so. Drudge has a link to an NYT story about the administration "negotiating" with the networks for a mutually acceptable time slot, but read between the lines and it's pretty obvious ABC wasn't going to relinquish its precious DWTS. Well, NBC also had some stupid thing about volunteerism and such, so you know Michelle told him not to pre-empt that.

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, A "trollie tea bagger"! That's great! Who says the Huffers aren't creative. LOL!

And yes, I did indeed consult the Bam-chop sock puppet. It turns out he's a better writer than Obama's speech team! :-)

BevfromNYC said...

Oh, btw, Andrew, the other thing I learned at HuffPo is that all we tro//ies are supposed to be getting paid by the Koch Brothers? I haven't gotten my cash envelope. Have you?

AndrewPrice said...

T_Rav, NBC? Are they still a network?

AndrewPrice said...

Bev, No, I've never gotten any cash from the Koch brothers. I should look into that, I could always use some cash.

By the way, I've seen that even leftists are starting to criticize the left for it's attack on the Koch brothers, which is apparently packed with lies and distortions. . . imagine that!

T_Rav said...

Andrew, there are certainly rumors to that effect. But since they've given up on the idea of quality programming, I think it's all White House employees masquerading as actors and "reporters."

AndrewPrice said...

T_Rav, That doesn't surprise me. So NBC is staffed with Obama people. CBS is kowtowing to Charlie Sheen and ABC has moved into the White House bedroom. Gee, I can't imagine why no one respects them anymore?

Tennessee Jed said...

was out earlier and then just got finished installing a new operating system. Too tired now to do this one the justice it deserves, but well done, Andrew--right on target!

Ed said...

Andrew, Great read! You really nailed Obama's spirit. I can honestly see him praising the troops on both side. What a jerk!

Anonymous said...

That was really funny and possibly more informative than the speech he gave.

Is there a tipping point though, is there anything Obama could do that would ever rise to the level of an impeachable offense? We seem to be setting all sorts of bad precedence. Typically I've been on the side of let's just let this play out and in 2012 we can fix these problems but impeachment is starting to sound necessary. We've seem to have lost all semblance of law and order.


Johnny 5 is alive

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Jed! A new operating system? What a pain! Get some rest! :-)

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Ed. Sadly, I can absolutely see him praising both sides. That's just the kind of guy he is.

AndrewPrice said...

Johnny 5 is Alive,

We do seem to be lurching toward having a leaderless country. Unfortunately, there's really no way to get rid of him for just being a poor leader. Plus, from our perspective, we are probably much better off going against him in 2012 than we would be against whoever the Democrats could get to replace him.

Not to mention, by the time something could be done (if it could even be done as the Democrats control the Senate), 2012 will be here. So all we would do is upset voters with no real prospect of changing anything before the election.

At this point, we just need to hope that our other leaders, e.g. the military generals, look after the country as Obama plays golf. I think they will.

rlaWTX said...

my sincerest Obama-esque apologies (including a bow and kow-tow) to Tolerance for my aforementioned minimization of his troll-excellence!

as for Wheel - I like Pat, but it's Jeopardy all the way (except for the Watson thing - very annoying)

AndrewPrice said...

rlaWTX, I prefer Jeopardy too. The whole computer thing annoyed me because computers should be able to store and retrieve more information than humans, so that's not really a challenge. That's like running a race against a car. If they want a real test, come up with a computer that think creatively.

Patti said...

"non-peacing his people..." bwhahahaha!

holy smokes, i think i'd actually pay to hear barry spit something like this out.

AndrewPrice said...

Patti, I'd pay to see that too! LOL!

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