Photo Challenges Polar Bear Study

The United States Geological Survey recently published a study in which it determined that polar bears are losing cubs and losing weight because of the longer distances between ice floes occasioned by global warming. The long swim from floe to floe is allegedly causing illness and death amongst our furry white friends.

Commentarama's crack investigative reporters have blown a hole in that theory with our featured photo of how polar bears actually get from one floe to another and then back to the mainland or large, solid ice packs. The USGS study carefully followed a huge sampling of female polar bears with cubs (eleven, to be exact, or twenty, or sixty-eight, depending on which part of the report you're reading) by the use of GPS collars from 2004 to 2009. I know it was a long swim (around thirty miles), but the USGS didn't mention how heavy the GPS collars were. Perhaps that weighed them down and made the swim more difficult.

The study concentrated on polar bear mothers and cubs swimming in the area around the Chukchi and southern Beaufort seas, an area where the distance between floes did increase, at least until 2007. But that is only one part of the true picture. The USGS purposely avoided other areas where the distances have decreased and polar bears smart enough to know where those areas exist are having a good laugh at their dumber sisters.

In fact, our intrepid reporters took a candid photo of some of the smarter bears taking a break between padding their larders doing Coca Cola commercials. Using a sound camera, the reporter caught the bears complaining about the rigorous duties of having to drink gallons of Coke just to get the right shot. The cubs are not shown, since they had rebelled and were off at another location doing their own Coke commercials (the moms weren't sharing the profits).

Of the eleven mothers studied by the USGS, it was found that dependent cubs survived the swims in six cases, but five cubs could not be found after the long-distance swim. In defense of its study, USGS zoologist George Durner said that they could not be sure that the cubs drowned. "But the evidence suggests long-distance swimming may be risky. I wish we had better information to see whether the mortality was actually occurring. That would give us a lot more information, but we don't have that." In other words: If they had the information, they'd have the information. But why do you need information when you can just guess?

Once again, our reporters found the missing cubs, who weren't actually missing at all. They just knew where they should be swimming. We caught one of the cubs during a break, sharing a Coke and a smile with a friendly penguin. When we confronted the USGS spokesmen, they were shocked to discover that we had uncovered the truth. We even had the sound portions in which the cub and the penguin are practicing "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing." Their reply to our accusation was: "But, but, but, but, but . . . "

The USGS study had also pointed blame for the disappearing ice floes and the resulting increased swimming distances at global warming caused by greedy corporations. What they failed to point out is that responsible corporations were aware that in certain limited areas, the ice floe distances were indeed increasing. So they provided swimmy floats for the bears that chose to remain in those areas. Clearly, the USGS has an agenda which includes ignoring the evidence right in front of their faces. Admittedly, Commentarama has a much larger budget than the USGS, and surely we have dozens more employees to investigate these matters (our Boiler Room Elves alone would dwarf the USGS staff). Still, some evidence is just too obvious to ignore.

Well, it's been exhausting debunking the USGS report, and the temperature here in Caliente will approach 105 today. So I'll close now, and head for the refrigerator to get a Coke. (Full disclosure, I am not now, nor have I ever been, an employee, consultant, affiliate or associate of the Coca Cola Corporation)