Thursday, July 5, 2012

How To Stop A Revolution

From Philadelphia, home of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, comes this news item about the new revolution--the Occupy movement. To remind America of the true meaning of Independence Day, a group of Occupiers on July 4 gathered in Philadelphia, only to be waylaid.

And now I'm guessing you expect to hear the story of how the fascist police, owned and controlled by the evil capitalist banks, drove tanks into and used heavy artillery on the crowds to suppress the voices of freedom. Or how the local sanitation district used water cannon on the throng in order to suppress the smell. Or perhaps it was those sneaky Tea Partiers, blocking the way with a fleet of Lipton delivery trucks.

Well, you would be wrong. The huge throng of sixty or more protestors almost missed their own protest. Comprised about half of Act Up gay activists and half of Occupiers, the patriots were all set to storm the halls of government and take over the offices of banking behemoths USB, Wells Fargo and Bank of America. The were lean. They were mean. And they were ready to sacrifice their lives, fortunes and sacred honor to bring Philadelphia back to the people.

But even great social movements with a cast of dozens can be bushwhacked by greater sinister powers. And so it was in Philadelphia on July 4, 2012. While preparing to storm the barricades, the Occupy troops were suddenly confronted with an unconquerable barrier--a Ben and Jerry's ice cream truck handing out free ice cream. It is one thing to have to face a determined foe, armed to the teeth and backed by all the great might of the most powerful government on earth. It is quite another to be expected to fight the good fight when lunch was already late and now the minions of the aged hippies from Vermont have shown up to distract the crowds from the cause.

So once again, the forces of good have been defeated by the ignominious interference of cruel fate. How can any solid patriot be expected to continue to fight when confronted with a free cone containing Cherry Garcia or Chunky Monkey? In the end, a few of the more stalwart members managed to drag themselves to the stock exchange and a couple of the banks. They cheered a few cheers, shouted a few slogans, offered a few obscenities, then returned to their camp only to find that the Ben and Jerry's truck had departed the premises. Alas, the Revolution must wait.

20 comments:

K said...

A pint of Ben and Jerry's is far more unhealthy and likely to cause obesity than a 16oz soda.

Patriot said...

What?! ............ Ben and Jerrys ice cream truck? When did they get those?

BevfromNYC said...

It was a conspiacy of the banks to place the one thing that only the most radical protestors could resist - free ice cream. How diabolical!

Tennessee Jed said...

Sometimes, it's the little things we must be thankful for. The bastions of capitalism are temporarily saved for the moment from the surging mob (of 60 or so). Although we know from our economics classes that evidence of correlation is not necessarily evidence of causation, I find it rather curious coincidence that this particular mob was made up of about 30 people from the gay alliance. I never realized that our country's endless discrimination against gays extended to the refusal of banks to provide them with checking accounts. It seems just a wee bit too convenient for this observer that they were seemingly derailed by arguably the "gayest" ice cream (Ben & Jerry's) in history. Was it the gay alliance members who first broke ranks, or the straight members of the occupy your parents basement brigade. We may never know. You report, we decide :)

tryanmax said...

I've always figured myself to be one against the wall when the revolution comes, but this gets me thinking. When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to make homemade ice cream by hand. (Handy as he is, this is the thing he passed on to me?) I may have to rethink my place in the post-revolutionary world. It seems our future regressive overlords will need their sweet-teeth satiated.

Writer X said...

Give me liberty or give me ice cream? Hilarious. And not surprising that all it takes to get the brave and fearless Occupiers out of their parents' basements is free stuff.

rlaWTX said...

Life is rough in the Revolucion (Viva!) - it is so hard to maintain focus among the myriad of distractions forced up on us in this capitalistic, imperialistic, consumerist culture! But tomorrow is another day to fight the righteous fight. OH, wait, Tiffany and Brendan can't make it tomorrow because their parents are taking them to the Hamptons and the Vineyard for the weekend. So, next Tuesday, because Mondays are so hard to deal with, we will - OOPS, Tristan and Jaquie can't be there Tuesday because they have spinning class - so, Wednesday we will wage our war! (Bring snacks!)

LawHawkRFD said...

K: And don't forget the potential brain damage.

LawHawkRFD said...

Patriot: It's strictly a promotional thing. They don't have regular trucks. They have a few that they use for special promotions of "free cone day" and they used this one to show their solidarity with the neo-hippie movement. I know I'm probably being cynical, but why did B&J wait to do this until there was only a tiny multitude to feed? Bottom line, maybe? Damned capitalists!

LawHawkRFD said...

Bev: Diabolical indeed. LOL

LawHawkRFD said...

Tennessee: Indeed, we'll probably never know. But it was bad timing on B&J's part. After all, how could the Act Up contingent not get derailed after B&J renamed their Chubby Hubby flavor to Hubby Hubby to celebrate gay marriage? And no, I didn't make that up!

LawHawkRFD said...

tryanmax: Ben and Jerry will have to get a monopoly over the hand-cranked ice cream makers because the goal of the Occupiers is to get rid of all modern conveniences that are ruining Mother Earth. That would by inference include supermarkets and massive ice cream making industrial machines. Maybe they can just get an exemption for Vermont.

LawHawkRFD said...

Writer X: Shouldn't everything be free? I think the Occupiers are on to something. LOL

LawHawkRFD said...

rlaTWX: And don't forget the big weekend demonstration to prevent the wind farms that will ruin the view from the Kennedy Compound. I think they need the ice cream to help resolve their self-contradictory social and political views.

tryanmax said...

Wait, wait, I've got it: Occu-Pie à la Mode

LawHawkRFD said...

tryanmax: Perfect!

LL said...

Defeated at their own game courtesy of a "free lunch"...

LawHawkRFD said...

LL: I guess it's fighting fire with fire. LOL

Koshcat said...

Philadelphia has about 1.5 million people and about 6 million in the surrounding area and they can only muster 60? That is something like 0.001% of the population. Talk about elite. Heck, even the NBA, one of the tightest professional leagues to get into, drafted 60 players last week.

LawHawkRFD said...

Koshcat: Do you think that this might just be an indication that except for immediate gratification (like ice cream), the wind has gone out of the Occupy sails? When you have to join forces with Act Up and Queer Nation just to come up with 60 people, your movement is in trouble.

Now my only question is given an Occupy group of 60, and an NBA group of 60, which one will have more thugs?

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