Thursday, July 5, 2012
How To Stop A Revolution
And now I'm guessing you expect to hear the story of how the fascist police, owned and controlled by the evil capitalist banks, drove tanks into and used heavy artillery on the crowds to suppress the voices of freedom. Or how the local sanitation district used water cannon on the throng in order to suppress the smell. Or perhaps it was those sneaky Tea Partiers, blocking the way with a fleet of Lipton delivery trucks.
Well, you would be wrong. The huge throng of sixty or more protestors almost missed their own protest. Comprised about half of Act Up gay activists and half of Occupiers, the patriots were all set to storm the halls of government and take over the offices of banking behemoths USB, Wells Fargo and Bank of America. The were lean. They were mean. And they were ready to sacrifice their lives, fortunes and sacred honor to bring Philadelphia back to the people.
But even great social movements with a cast of dozens can be bushwhacked by greater sinister powers. And so it was in Philadelphia on July 4, 2012. While preparing to storm the barricades, the Occupy troops were suddenly confronted with an unconquerable barrier--a Ben and Jerry's ice cream truck handing out free ice cream. It is one thing to have to face a determined foe, armed to the teeth and backed by all the great might of the most powerful government on earth. It is quite another to be expected to fight the good fight when lunch was already late and now the minions of the aged hippies from Vermont have shown up to distract the crowds from the cause.
So once again, the forces of good have been defeated by the ignominious interference of cruel fate. How can any solid patriot be expected to continue to fight when confronted with a free cone containing Cherry Garcia or Chunky Monkey? In the end, a few of the more stalwart members managed to drag themselves to the stock exchange and a couple of the banks. They cheered a few cheers, shouted a few slogans, offered a few obscenities, then returned to their camp only to find that the Ben and Jerry's truck had departed the premises. Alas, the Revolution must wait.