Sometimes A Mascot Is Just A Cigar

You should not read this post unless you are at least 18 years old, and you have a greater sense of humor than the British people. Seriously, don’t read this if you don’t like “questionable” words and images. This post is not for children. . . it’s about the London 2012 Olympic Mascots.

Holy sh*t! Take a look at the picture on the right:

What you are seeing are the new mascots unveiled yesterday by the London 2012 Olympic Committee. These things supposedly represent Britain better than anything else they could think of. . . like Big Ben, a bulldog, or a Mohammed.

The one on the left, flipping the Hitler salute, is called “Wenlock,” a common British name that means “Binge Drinking.” The one on the right is called “Mandeville,” another common British name that means “Dental Problems.”

According to Lord “Cocky” Coe, chairman of the London Organizing Committee of the Olympic games, Binge Drinking and Dental Problems will “inspire young people to engage with sport.” By which he means, they will make kids think of athletic supporters.

It will come as no surprise that these two mascots have not gone over too well with the public. Here are some samples of the comments people left when these were unveiled. Some pondered what they could be:

“Is it Mohammed?”

Some questioned the design:

“Why is the handicapped one wearing crotchless chaps?”

“Has the one in blue gone and soiled itself?”

Some questioned the practical value to the taxpayers:

“Another fine joke played on the long-suffering British taxpayer.”

“How can they spend all that money on this and the Olympics while there are politicians out there who need more money to waste?”

But then some began to see through the carnage to the evil intent:

“This is obviously a cynical attempt by the Olympic Committee to steal viewers from the Gay Games.”

And finally came acceptance:

“I, for one, welcome our new one-eyed overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted university researcher I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”

But some still debate whether these truly represent Britain:

“Because nothing says ‘Britain’ like a creepy bipedal showerhead/penis thing with lobster claws.”

But is that fair? They certainly don’t represent all of Britain, but they do an excellent job of hitting some of the recent highlights. Consider that:

• The eyes are indeed camera lenses, which represent the surveillance cameras that spy on everything and everyone in the UK.

• The bulge -- no, not that bulge, look higher -- is a nod to England's growing obesity.

• The design on Wenlock’s t-shirt, which some claim looks like one box creature giving oral sex to another box creature (see right), actually represents vomit, and thereby is inclusive of all the youthful binge drinkers that make up most of Britain.

• The no-hands thing is a nod to the loss of manufacturing jobs, and their replacement with knife-like claws vaguely recalls Britain’s proud tradition of knife crime.

• Finally, the penis shape is stolen from Greece, which was the first to use walking penises as mascots for the Olympics (see left). This represents solidarity with Greece, whose debt the British have lately begun to emulate.

So all in all, it’s hard to complain about these mascots, even though there are many things that would have been more representative of Britain. They could have chosen a Big Ben-like mascot called “Huge Benjamin,” or a British Bulldog called “Bully,” or a binge-drunk teen called “Bingey,” a stuffed Prince of Charles, or a knife-wielding soccer fan called “Hooli,” or a turban wearing radical Imam called “Mohammed.” So many better choices. . .

God shave the Queen.