Client 9 From Outer Space

Eliot Spitzer was known for his hard pursuit of criminals prior to being elected governor of the State of New York. Unfortunately he had a predilection for patronizing prostitutes (in the picture, Spitzer is on the left). He was known for being pretty hard on them, too. One of the "escort services" that he enriched only used his nom de john, Client No. 9.

The other service he enriched was the Democratic Party (the person on the right is the prostitute from that service). Spitzer will soon be joining a whole new house of prostitution--CNN. The whoring former governor will have a nightly show on the Contemptible News Network, though he will have to share the hosting duties with Kathleen Parker. Parker is billed by CNN as a conservative columnist, thereby proving that CNN doesn't know the difference between a conservative and a pile of Ho-Ho's.

Poor Eliot--he doesn't even get to be on top. The show will be called the Parker Spitzer Show. Eliot will have to assume the executive position of co-anchor. Spitzer is the ultimate political insider, but he will have to exert extra effort to keep abreast with Parker, who is known throughout journalism as a true working girl. But then, Eliot has plenty of experience with working girls.

There is no truth to the rumor that Spitzer was originally being courted by the Fox News Channel as the chief dolly operator. Their ratings are so good that they are celebrating Spitzer's move to CNN as a way to accelerate CNN's 56% loss of viewership in just the last year. It has also been rumored that family-values groups and minority journalists protested, since the show will be on during the family hour.

It is also rumored that Spitzer's entry into prime time cable "news" is motivated by his desire to get people off the prostitutes and take him seriously again. In fact, he wants to be a candidate to replace Auntie Bloomberg as mayor of New York City at the end of Bloomie's term in 2013. Some samples from CNN's promo include Parker saying to Spitzer: "All right, Eliot, I'm tired of talking about tax policy." Why would a conservative have any interest in tax matters, after all?

Spitzer lays back and replies: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I love tax policy. Let's talk about Mideast peace settlements. And let's talk about nuclear proliferation. That's where we're gonna go with this show." Parker: "Do you see people's eyes glazing." Spitzer: "I do. Your eyes are glazing over." Perhaps Spitzer forgot where he was during the filming of the trailer. His eyes weren't glazing over like his partner's yet, but he was starting to breathe heavily. Fortunately, the news desk the pair were sitting at is just above waist height.

Parker got to be on top because she won a Pulitzer Prize. But everyone knows that Spitzer is no slouch, and has won a blue ribbon for speed and a Woody for his work outside the office. The Woody is named after Bob Woodward of Woodward and Bernstein, I think. He didn't get a Bernie because they have penicillin for that now. But he did get the Woody for his undercover work.

The spoilsport minority critics were represented by the National Association of Black Journalists who sent a letter to the head of CNN querying: "Are you telling us that CNN could find no one better than an ex-politician who quit being New York governor after consorting with prostitutes to grace America's living rooms each night?" Well, let's look at those ratings. Yep, he's the best they could find.

Spitzer was previously known as "The Sheriff of Wall Street." While governor, I guess he was just "Deputy Dawg." CNN will have to come up with a new appellation for him. The "John of Journalism" maybe? Spitzer is expected to address women's issues, and get into them as often as possible. He won't be any pushover though. He is known for examining women very carefully, and making sure the taxpayers compensate them fairly, if indirectly. He also promises to keep women up on the latest retail clothing matters in NYC. In fact, he has told insiders that he is always interested in sales ads that say "women's dresses--half off."

His pal at the US Justice Department, Michael Garcia, investigated Spitzer and found no legal wrongdoing. But in his public statement, Garcia told the press that "on multiple occasions, Mr. Spitzer arranged for women to travel from one state to another to engage in prostitution." Apparently, the DOJ and Spitzer believe that travel is broadening, and therefore merely an educational experience. As an attorney he was able to relate to the ladies because of his own belief that the client should always come first.

So CNN will be having the great Spitzer sitting erect at the desk, sticking it to the guests and the audience. Besides, by working for CNN, Spitzer will be experiencing something all new in his life--prostitutes paying him. And Spitzer will be able to rehabilitate himself to the seventy-six CNN viewers by proving that he has no hard feelings toward the escort service that ratted on him. He'll just slip right in there and get made all over again.