Stop Calling Me!!!!!

You may have noticed that it’s election season. How do we know this? Because we’re seeing a billion television ads telling us that someone who wants our vote will make the sun shine brighter and our food taste better. . . or will make the sun go dark and eat our children. And what’s worse, they have your phone number, and they aren’t afraid to abuse it.

Campaigns are expected to spend just over $4.2 billion in advertising in this election cycle. Most of that goes to television ads, but a good chunk now goes to robocalls. Not only are robocalls a waste of money, but I would suggest they actively hurt the candidate. Let’s start with television advertising because the difference between television ads and robocalls is what makes robocalls so toxic.

I honestly don’t care about television advertisements; I pretty much ignore them: “Oh look, my show is going on a three minute hiatus, where’s that remote?” Or else I mute them because the networks like messing with the noise level. . . apparently most people go deaf during the commercial breaks.

But even if they somehow continue to blare in the background, I use the ultimate self-defense weapon: indifference. Indeed, the only times I pay attention to ads are when something strikes me as odd about the ad, for example, when they go out of their way to avoid saying something (drug companies, finance companies, car dealers, etc.), or when they play race games (Vonage) or they try to sneak gay characters into ads (Digiorno, Progressive), or when they hire actors who are supposed to make you think of currently popular politicians.

But since they barely reach my consciousness, television ads don’t bother me. So go ahead and waste your money, you won’t hear me complaining. But robocalls are different because they can’t be ignored.

Robocalls are computerized calls where some politician or washed up celebrity records a message to you about one or more candidates that will be on your ballot. These things are so annoying, that they typically do more harm than good. Indeed, time and again politicians find themselves running to a microphone to apologize for something that was said in one of these messages or trying to pretend that they knew nothing about the call that suggested that Sen. Whatshisface is a cannibal or a crossdresser or a crossdressing cannibal. And did you know Sen. Whatshisface gets money from dwarves? His mother used to beat black orphans professionally! He even wants to put children into mines. . . which actually sounds like a better place to store them than your average high school.

Everyone hates these.

Oddly, politicians know these things backfire but they keep doing them. How do we know they understand this? Because they are constantly getting caught putting out fake robocalls “from” the other side, which are intentionally insulting or annoying. They wouldn’t do that if robocalls weren’t ticking people off. Yet, despite all the press conferences begging forgiveness and denying involvement, they continue to put these things out. Why? Because politicians are stupid; they operate on the principle of drooling moron see, drooling moron do.

So what makes a robocall so annoying? Well, for starters, I’m getting 3-5 a night. And unlike television ads, you can’t avoid them. What’s worse, they target times when no decent human being would try to get your attention, like when you’re eating dinner or Saturday morning when you’re trying to make up for all that lost sleep.

Moreover, talking to a machine is aggravating. At least when regular phone solicitors hire retarded chimpanzees or teenagers to call you, you can mess with them. For example, when they insist on calling you by your first name, tell them “that was Uncle John, who died last night when an alien burst out of his anus,” and then start sobbing. Or quiz them about their knowledge of America and throw in the occasional insult at India. Or when they try to fight with you after you tell them you aren’t interested, ask them what they’re wearing. That’s guaranteed to get them to hang up. But you can’t do any of this with a machine. No. Your best material goes to waste on these stupid machines as John McCain prattles on about the merits of someone he’s never met.

What makes candidates think that calling me 3-5 times a day at a time that is guaranteed to piss me off just so a machine can lecture me is going to make me feel favorably inclined toward said candidate? Do they not know that every time they call my house I consider not voting for them (or trying to find a way to vote against them more than once)?

Frankly, I hope the inventor of phone solicitation is rotting in a warm place with a pitchfork rammed up his posterior. . . and I feel much less charitable toward the inventor of the robocall. It’s time this practice stopped. It’s time candidates swore off this insidious advertising strategy, or maybe we should start striking back. Maybe we should start calling them at all hours, telling them why we’re better than the guy across the street? Maybe that will finally get the message across.