Washington D.C. Halloween Trick or Treating Guide

Halloween is upon us, and that means trick or treating. You might think Washington, D.C. would be a great place to trick or treat, right? Well, that depends on whether or not you know who's paying out and who will waste your time. So by way of a public service, here's a “voters” guide to places you should go and places you should avoid when trick or treating.

The Obamas: Avoid. The wife will be dressed like Marie Antoinette and the husband will be wearing different masks of famous Presidents all night. But don't be fooled by the great masks, he's an empty suit: he will pretend to hand out candy, but the wrappers are empty.

Nancy Pelosi: Avoid. She will be dressed like a witch, but it's no costume, it's just her bathrobe. She does not give candy, she takes it and will reach right into your bag for it. And whatever you do, don't go inside her house or try to take a bite out of her gingerbread-appearing shingles, and don't touch the private plane in the driveway.

John Boehner: Definitely. Boehner will dress as a donkey and will give you exactly one half of what he thinks Nancy Pelosi gave you. . . so lie to him about how much you scored from Pelosi.

Joe Biden: Probably Avoid. He will be dressed as Neil Kinnock or the most interesting man in the world. Biden hands out decent candy, but he will insult you in the process and then he'll lie about how much he gave you.

Eric Cantor: Avoid. He will not be wearing a costume as they confuse him. Gives out apples.

The Pentagon: Absolutely. Lots of candy and many doors, so they won’t know if you’ve already come. This place is a bonanza! (Important: Muslim costumes are a bad idea.)

Al Gore: Forget it. You’ll never make it past the huge electric fence and the stadium lights will blind you. And if you somehow make it to the door, the heat emanating from that huge, cavernous mansion will melt your costume. Plus, he only hands out candy from the company he owns: GummyGorebears Unlimited.

John McCain: Probably avoid. He will be dressed in a Republican costume, complete with elephant mask. He’ll waste an hour of your time telling you about the big treats he’s going to give you, but he has no follow through, expect a stick of unflavored gum.

Congress: Avoid. They expect you to pay them before they give you anything.

State Department: Avoid. They only give candy to corrupt foreign politicians.

Clinton, Bill: Depends. He will be dressed as a pimp or himself. If you are female (or dressed like one. . . or he hasn’t seen one in a while) expect to be groped. He hands out cigars.

Clinton, Hillary: N/A. She's hiding out the election overseas.

Secret Service HQ: Avoid. They will be wearing cheap suits and sunglasses, and they have no candy and no sense of humor.

The Schwarzeneggers: Depends. The wife will be dressed like a drunken zombie that looks a lot like Teddy Kennedy. Do not accept any rides over bridges from her. The husband is your better bet here. He will be dressed as a Barbarian, and he hands out stygian, the best. . . this is not haga.

Christine O’Donnell: Sure. Will not be dressed as a witch. Will hand out candy as long as campaign funds last.

The Palins: Avoid. Will be dressed as hunters and surrounded by camera crews. They hand out moose jerky.

Barney Frank: Avoid. Dressed as Glinda the Good Witch, but this is not a costume. Hands out candy to boys only, and you don’t want his candy.

Harry Reid: Maybe. You’ll find him at the Ritz, dressed like Hitler and surrounded by union thugs. He hands out LOTS of candy, but only if you promise to vote for him.

There you have it, a guide on where to go trick or treating in Washington D.C. Good luck and good hunting. Have a happy Halloween. . . for Tuesday is Christmas!