Sunday, October 31, 2010

Washington D.C. Halloween Trick or Treating Guide

Halloween is upon us, and that means trick or treating. You might think Washington, D.C. would be a great place to trick or treat, right? Well, that depends on whether or not you know who's paying out and who will waste your time. So by way of a public service, here's a “voters” guide to places you should go and places you should avoid when trick or treating.

The Obamas: Avoid. The wife will be dressed like Marie Antoinette and the husband will be wearing different masks of famous Presidents all night. But don't be fooled by the great masks, he's an empty suit: he will pretend to hand out candy, but the wrappers are empty.

Nancy Pelosi: Avoid. She will be dressed like a witch, but it's no costume, it's just her bathrobe. She does not give candy, she takes it and will reach right into your bag for it. And whatever you do, don't go inside her house or try to take a bite out of her gingerbread-appearing shingles, and don't touch the private plane in the driveway.

John Boehner: Definitely. Boehner will dress as a donkey and will give you exactly one half of what he thinks Nancy Pelosi gave you. . . so lie to him about how much you scored from Pelosi.

Joe Biden: Probably Avoid. He will be dressed as Neil Kinnock or the most interesting man in the world. Biden hands out decent candy, but he will insult you in the process and then he'll lie about how much he gave you.

Eric Cantor: Avoid. He will not be wearing a costume as they confuse him. Gives out apples.

The Pentagon: Absolutely. Lots of candy and many doors, so they won’t know if you’ve already come. This place is a bonanza! (Important: Muslim costumes are a bad idea.)

Al Gore: Forget it. You’ll never make it past the huge electric fence and the stadium lights will blind you. And if you somehow make it to the door, the heat emanating from that huge, cavernous mansion will melt your costume. Plus, he only hands out candy from the company he owns: GummyGorebears Unlimited.

John McCain: Probably avoid. He will be dressed in a Republican costume, complete with elephant mask. He’ll waste an hour of your time telling you about the big treats he’s going to give you, but he has no follow through, expect a stick of unflavored gum.

Congress: Avoid. They expect you to pay them before they give you anything.

State Department: Avoid. They only give candy to corrupt foreign politicians.

Clinton, Bill: Depends. He will be dressed as a pimp or himself. If you are female (or dressed like one. . . or he hasn’t seen one in a while) expect to be groped. He hands out cigars.

Clinton, Hillary: N/A. She's hiding out the election overseas.

Secret Service HQ: Avoid. They will be wearing cheap suits and sunglasses, and they have no candy and no sense of humor.

The Schwarzeneggers: Depends. The wife will be dressed like a drunken zombie that looks a lot like Teddy Kennedy. Do not accept any rides over bridges from her. The husband is your better bet here. He will be dressed as a Barbarian, and he hands out stygian, the best. . . this is not haga.

Christine O’Donnell: Sure. Will not be dressed as a witch. Will hand out candy as long as campaign funds last.

The Palins: Avoid. Will be dressed as hunters and surrounded by camera crews. They hand out moose jerky.

Barney Frank: Avoid. Dressed as Glinda the Good Witch, but this is not a costume. Hands out candy to boys only, and you don’t want his candy.

Harry Reid: Maybe. You’ll find him at the Ritz, dressed like Hitler and surrounded by union thugs. He hands out LOTS of candy, but only if you promise to vote for him.

There you have it, a guide on where to go trick or treating in Washington D.C. Good luck and good hunting. Have a happy Halloween. . . for Tuesday is Christmas!


JG said...

Excellent. This made my non-Halloween-loving day. :)

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks JG! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

You don't like Halloween? What's not to like about a holiday where we send kids out into the darkness to beg for (or extort) candy from strangers?

Joel Farnham said...

Thanks Andrew, unfortunately, here in the mountains, because of religion, we had it yesterday.

It is organized here such that the church has a Trunk or Treat in their parking lots. It helps, but their are so many places to go to after that. Kids loved it. I was zonked afterward.

Next year, they will have it on the usual day.

AndrewPrice said...

Joel, You're welcome. I figured I should share the insider info I collected living in DC all those years! ;-)

In the late 1980s, the malls around here use to have trick or treating so that parents could take their kids to the mall rather than having them roam around in the dark -- especially since it's often snowed on Halloween here. Plus, I guess it was good for business.

Tehachapi Tom said...

Very cute Andrew.
We are fortunate in that our nearest neighbor is about half a mile away and she won't be out. We are remote enough here on our mountain top that parents will not even drive their children up here for free candy. Probably far enough from regular civilization that not even real ghouls won't bother either.
Result is a quiet day and evening.
Think I'll go down to the kitchen and make our Martinis now, that is our treat.

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Tom! Sounds like your place is the place to hide if zombies ever try to take over the earth! LOL!

Halloween martinis?! I wonder what flavor that would be? Sounds good though.

Anonymous said...


Unknown said...

Andrew: Very funny. I never really thought about it before, but Halloween is when we teach children how to be Democrats. We send them out in costumes so they can't be identified, to demand goodies from people they don't know and who don't owe them a thing, and if the people don't deliver, they will be the subject of vandalism or theft. Hmmmm. I just ruined Halloween for myself.

I was going to dress one of my granddaughters up as Barbara Boxer, and send her out with a can of spray paint to be used on anyone who called her "ma'am" instead of "Senator."

AndrewPrice said...

Lawhawk, It does seem to be training for young Democrats doesn't it?

Dressing your granddaughter up like Barbara Boxer seems like cruel and usual punishment, even if it's only in jest!

Writer X said...

Thanks for the chuckle, Andrew! Very clever. :-) And now I can't get the image out of my mind of Barney Frank as Glinda the Good Witch.

AndrewPrice said...

You're welcome Writer X! I actually had a lot worse images go through my brain until I settled on that one. I feel like I need to brush my brain or something. 8-/

Ed said...

I can only imagine how Clinton hands out those cigars! Ha ha! Happy Halloween!

Tennessee Jed said...

well, I had a houseful of insurance fat cat buddies down for a golfing weekend so I hadn't even gotten a chance to check out Commenterama. Couldn't even get past the picture of Michelle Antoinette without cracking up.
Great job to Andrew or should the elves get credit?

AndrewPrice said...

Ed, I'm not sure exactly what technique he uses, but I'm petty sure it won't be a good one!

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Jed, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And welcome back after your hard weekend of hanging with the exploiters of the masses! :-)

Do you know that every time and insurance company exec hits a golf ball, a socialist dies? It's true!

Actually, I can't credit the elves -- they have gone to watch the last space shuttle launch and won't be back until the end of the week.

CrispyRice said...

Love it, Andrew!! LOL!

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks Crispy! I hope you got a good haul from trick or treating! :-)

CrisD said...

Love it!

The problem is..they come to our houses (when I notice that my taxes go up after they leave!)

AndrewPrice said...

CrisD, Thanks! And so very, very true! They know where we live, and they have no shame about trick and treating us every other day of the year!!

AndrewPrice said...

Ooops. Guys, I forget to mention -- hat tip to Patty for the cartoon on trick or treating.

Sorry Patti.

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