Friday, January 28, 2011

For Public Safety, We Need An Olive Pit Ban

Pictured is Dennis Kucinich (D-Mars). He is feeling under the weather since suffering severe physical injury in the very literal heart of American government. As you can see from the picture, the injury that was wrought upon him in 2008 has caused severe deterioration of his handsome face. The lawsuit was far too sophisticated to be handled by the offices of James Sokolove and didn't involve asbestos anyway, but Dennis the Menace knows that DC is wall-to-wall lawyers.

Even so, the matter was so serious that it has taken nearly three years for him to find just the right lawyer (the one with the ambulance logo) to file the suit. Kucinich has asked for $150,000 as compensation for his horrific exposure to an olive pit cleverly hidden in a sandwich wrap at the House office building cafeteria. Everyone knows there is a vast right-wing conspiracy, but who knew it reached right into the hallowed halls of Congress?

The lawsuit alleges that the cafeteria sold him an "unfit and unwholesome sandwich." I eat those pretty much every day, but as the lawyers say, "you take your victim as you find him," He goes on to say that the olive pit caused him to "sustain serious and permanent dental oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures, and has sustained other damages including significant pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment." That must have been one hell of an olive pit.

The suit (known as "name everyone and hope one or two of them stick") names Restaurant Associates, Compass Group USA, and two of the food suppliers, Performance Food Group Co and Foodbuy LLC. Now I don't want to second-guess a fellow lawyer, but he forgot to name the US Congress, God, and Mother Earth. Maybe he's planning on seeking leave to amend later.

The right wing conspiracy is already gearing up its personal attacks on Kucinich regarding the lawsuit. For instance, one blogsite found an old CSPAN video from five days after the incident in which Kucinich speaks at length on the House floor, exhibiting no signs of his "serious and permanent dental and oral injuries." That's not fair. Kucinich always looks like that. He has two facial expressions--stoned, and angry. The other facial nerves and muscles don't work.

I would also like to suggest to Dennis's attorney that he forgot to include impotence and loss of consortium in the complaint. Those are always good for a couple million dollars. Don't they teach anything in law schools anymore? This is a vital lawsuit in the national interest. If this kind of horror can happen to a Member of Congress, imagine how dangerous it is for the rest of us. There are likely to be dangerous olive pits lurking in every restaurant, and we have nobody to protect us. In fact, we should create a whole new cabinet-level department just to handle this danger. We could invest billions in the anti-olive pit industry. Look at all the jobs that would be created for olive pit investigators and sandwich inspectors. Mr. Obama--are you paying attention?

Perhaps there is another reason for the lawsuit. Kucinich may need the nest-egg. Ohio is one of the states that lost Congressional seats as a result of the 2010 census, and word is that redistricting will eliminate his district. I think he's panicking unnecessarily, since he could make a very good living going on tour with Captain Kirk and the crew at Star Trek conventions. After all, he would be the only one who has actually seen a UFO.

26 comments:

T_Rav said...

LawHawk, I blame Sarah Palin. Her extreme and violent rhetoric influenced the olive pits to attack Kucinich. To prevent further tragedies such as this, I think we need a 200-yard restraining order from The Honorable Mr. Kucinich for all olive pits--and Sarah Palin. Oh, and we should probably bring back the Fairness Doctrine while we're at it. Because talk radio was probably indirectly responsible, too.

Joel Farnham said...

LawHawk,

I concur with T_Rav. However...

T_Rav,

You forgot to add Glenn Beck, the Tea Partiers, and FOX news for fostering a violent prone climate of hatred. We might as well bring on Net Neutrality for we must save the internet from this climate of hate.

BevfromNYC said...

Okay, you are all sworn to secrecy, okay?
[DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT SWEAR NOT TO TELL]
At our last super-secret Tea Party Cabal meeting in the underground bunker at Fox News Headquarters, SP, RL, GB, (BO'R couldn't make it) and the rest of the TP cabal discussed this test run of our new super secret weapon. We've also tried squirrels and bedbugs with limited success. However, we are very hopeful that the olive pit will prove to be most effective.
[END OF SUPER SECRET COMMUNICATION]

Actually, LawHawk, it has NOT been determined that asbestos was not involved.

T_Rav said...

Joel, I suppose you're technically correct, but if Palin was manipulating them all through her mind control powers, does that make them truly guilty? I mean, maybe it kind of does, just because they're right-wingers and therefore naturally prone to that sort of thing, but maybe we should let them off the hook...

Tennessee Jed said...

The question is begged: "who beith the greater nutbag, Henry Waxman (D - Pluto) or D. Kucinich (D - Mars) On the other hand, if men are from Mars, women from Venus, aren't they both either from Pluto or . . . (pause for dramatic effect and pull out the old sophmoric line) . . . Uranus?

Let's hear it for fining the plaintiff's bar for frivilous lawsuits.

StanH said...

“Dammit Bev, you’ll spill the beans, (or the pits as the case may be.) We’ve worked for months, to get that olive pit in Kucinich’s sandwich wrap.” “T-Rav, Joel…shhhh, loose lips sink ships, so far Dennis is responding as planned.”

LawHawkRFD said...

T_Rav: I've heard that Palin and her Inuit allies have secret underground hydroponic farms raising olive trees for massive pit production. This is only the beginning. Kucinich was just a test run.

LawHawkRFD said...

Joel: I will send a "dear colleague" letter to the attorney, adding your suggestions.

LawHawkRFD said...

Bev: The bedbug ploy is working very well in San Francisco. It's another reason I left. Your secrets are safe with me. I looked it up, and you may be on to something. According to one site, olive pits are an essential ingredient in asbestos. I'll let the lawyer know.

LawHawkRFD said...

T_Rav: Note that Kucinich is often seen wearing his aluminum foil hat. Right wing conspirators know the foil blocks the secret signals so necessary to the vast conspiracy, so you never see one wearing the foil beanie. Palin knows what she's doing, and so do her co-conspirators. Today Ohio, tomorrow the world.

LawHawkRFD said...

Tennessee: I won't touch that joke with a ten foot Kucinich. LOL

If we start fining the plaintiffs bar for "frivolous lawsuits," who will save us from the olive pit conspirators?

LawHawkRFD said...

Stan: You do know that as an officer of the court I have an ethical obligation to report all of you, but only because you haven't retained me as counsel yet.

Wait, never mind. I forgot. It's the legal profession. Ethics not required.

BevfromNYC said...

But StanH and LawHawk! I swore everyone to secrecy and told anyone who didn't swear, that they couldn't read my statement! Do you think people who didn't swear read that?!? I can't believe it. But we're safe because I didn't use Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, or Glenn Beck's real names, nor did I reveal the breed of squirrel...

T_Rav said...

LawHawk, is this why I suffer migraines and joint pain every time I touch aluminum foil? Could also explain why I have hallucinations of snowmobile-riding caribou, come to think of it...

BevfromNYC said...

Actually LawHawk - This week one of NY's newly elected State Legislators dismissed his own personal injury lawsuit. It was revealed that he had broken into a locked house under construction at night because he couldn't wait to see the sample house. In the course of the break-in, he grabbed a ladder because stairs had not been put in yet and fell thereby breaking his leg. He was suing the new owners, the construction company and others for negligence. Needless to say he was very embarrassed and swears to present tort reform legislation so he can stop all of these frivolous lawsuits!

T_Rav said...

Also, Bev, don't worry. I have it on good authority that the squirrels have been secured and will be shipped to Charlie Sector One right away.

LawHawkRFD said...

Bev: Nothing like getting caught in the act to give a legislator perspective. Premises liability law is one of the areas that needs serious reform. Turning a perpetrator into a "victim" does not serve the law or the public. At least that legislator had a rude awakening. I hope we see a lot more before this is over. Irony is a wonderful thing.

LawHawkRFD said...

T_Rav: And in the meantime, Kusinich is being sent to Area 51.

AndrewPrice said...

Sounds like a typical Kucinich issue. Let's hope they eventually toss this guy out after redistricting.

StanH said...

Bev, any fool knows that the only squirrel that can be trusted with the olive pit, is the Great Speckled Alaskan One Eyed Jumping Squirrel, sadly this will lead straight back to Sarah, and by extension Limbaugh, Beck, and the Tea Party. And Lawhawk revealing that surveillance photo of Dennis relaxing at home with his family at a backyard cookout, they’ll know it’s the vast right wing conspiracy up to no good. Sadly I believe this leaves “Operation Secret Squirrel,” kaput.

LawHawkRFD said...

Andrew: "Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." With the Republicans in charge of Ohio's redistricting, The Menace's district is in doubt, and I don't think he could be elected in any other district.

Of course, he could always move to San Francisco and run for mayor. Residence requirements mean nothing, just like Chicago.

LawHawkRFD said...

Stan: Isn't that particular squirrel on the endangered species list? Quick, more regulations!

BevfromNYC said...

So, speaking of squirrels - why were Rocky and Bullwinkle a squirrel and a moose?

Hmmm, moose and squirrel...Alaska...uh, oh. You know, they may be right. Maybe there IS a vast RW conspiracy and it goes back further than you think.

LawHawkRFD said...

Bev: The right-wing conspiracy is older than most people realize. The original characters in the first send-up were Crusader Rabbit and Rags the Tiger in the 50s. The sinister right-wing forces knew there were no tigers in Alaska when they were grooming little Sarah for the future takeover, so they changed them to a moose and a squirrel. How insidious!

StanH said...

I see your point Bev.

I knew that Lawhawk.

We had best be careful guys, you never know who might be looking on, shouldn’t we opstay on the uirrelsqay.

LawHawkRFD said...

Stan: I was just about to suggest that we squirrel away our comments before the Kucinich Martian Brigade sees them and tries to tree our secret agents.

Post a Comment