For Public Safety, We Need An Olive Pit Ban

Pictured is Dennis Kucinich (D-Mars). He is feeling under the weather since suffering severe physical injury in the very literal heart of American government. As you can see from the picture, the injury that was wrought upon him in 2008 has caused severe deterioration of his handsome face. The lawsuit was far too sophisticated to be handled by the offices of James Sokolove and didn't involve asbestos anyway, but Dennis the Menace knows that DC is wall-to-wall lawyers.

Even so, the matter was so serious that it has taken nearly three years for him to find just the right lawyer (the one with the ambulance logo) to file the suit. Kucinich has asked for $150,000 as compensation for his horrific exposure to an olive pit cleverly hidden in a sandwich wrap at the House office building cafeteria. Everyone knows there is a vast right-wing conspiracy, but who knew it reached right into the hallowed halls of Congress?

The lawsuit alleges that the cafeteria sold him an "unfit and unwholesome sandwich." I eat those pretty much every day, but as the lawyers say, "you take your victim as you find him," He goes on to say that the olive pit caused him to "sustain serious and permanent dental oral injuries requiring multiple surgical and dental procedures, and has sustained other damages including significant pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment." That must have been one hell of an olive pit.

The suit (known as "name everyone and hope one or two of them stick") names Restaurant Associates, Compass Group USA, and two of the food suppliers, Performance Food Group Co and Foodbuy LLC. Now I don't want to second-guess a fellow lawyer, but he forgot to name the US Congress, God, and Mother Earth. Maybe he's planning on seeking leave to amend later.

The right wing conspiracy is already gearing up its personal attacks on Kucinich regarding the lawsuit. For instance, one blogsite found an old CSPAN video from five days after the incident in which Kucinich speaks at length on the House floor, exhibiting no signs of his "serious and permanent dental and oral injuries." That's not fair. Kucinich always looks like that. He has two facial expressions--stoned, and angry. The other facial nerves and muscles don't work.

I would also like to suggest to Dennis's attorney that he forgot to include impotence and loss of consortium in the complaint. Those are always good for a couple million dollars. Don't they teach anything in law schools anymore? This is a vital lawsuit in the national interest. If this kind of horror can happen to a Member of Congress, imagine how dangerous it is for the rest of us. There are likely to be dangerous olive pits lurking in every restaurant, and we have nobody to protect us. In fact, we should create a whole new cabinet-level department just to handle this danger. We could invest billions in the anti-olive pit industry. Look at all the jobs that would be created for olive pit investigators and sandwich inspectors. Mr. Obama--are you paying attention?

Perhaps there is another reason for the lawsuit. Kucinich may need the nest-egg. Ohio is one of the states that lost Congressional seats as a result of the 2010 census, and word is that redistricting will eliminate his district. I think he's panicking unnecessarily, since he could make a very good living going on tour with Captain Kirk and the crew at Star Trek conventions. After all, he would be the only one who has actually seen a UFO.