Thursday, July 2, 2009

San Francisco Diary--Journal Of An Exile

There's a new scientific revelation in San Francisco nearly every day. But this one's big. God is gay. Yes, you heard me right. Well, it's unclear if He is gay or merely bisexual, but the studies haven't been entirely completed yet. SF Gate (the Chronicle online) columnist Mark Morford has finally revealed this blockbuster news in his July 1 column. It probably should have been published on April 1, but why quibble?

Now come on all you Bible-clinging homophobes. You always knew this. You just closed your eyes to all the evidence that Morford has boldly placed in front of us. First, unlike Dr. Doolittle, you forgot to talk to the animals. Morford's banner says "Just ask the animals. As soon as they stop having all that homosexual sex." Immediately upon reading the article, I asked my cat her opinion on the matter. She looked up at me with her usual feline disdain, and replied "You had me neutered, you jerk. Why would I give a damn?" I guess I'll have to rely on Morford's research.

Morford's primary source of information is the deep theological/scientific tome And Tango Makes Three. He points out that the story is beautiful and sweet and touching in all the right ways. And the best part, he says, it was all true. In case you haven't read this heavy work, it's the story of two male penguins who are in love. They adopt an abandoned egg, hatch it, and lovingly raise the little penguin chick (Tango) together. The book is now part of the kindergarten through second grade mandatory sensitivity reading in some public schools, and is being considered for the San Francisco schools.

Morford forgot to mention that Silo, one of the two male penguins, emerged from his Brokeback Mountain moment in New York's Central Park Zoo, and took up with a female penguin. I guess that makes Silo the first famous ex-gay penguin. So far, there hasn't been a sequel entitled: And Tango Is Really Confused. Nevertheless, if Morford can believe that homosexual penguin love can turn to heterosexual love, how come he won't accept that it can happen to humans, too?

But I digress. Morford goes on: "Behold, homosexual and bisexual behavior, it turns out, is rampant in the animal kingdom. And by rampant, I mean damn near universal, commonplace across all species everywhere, existing for myriad reasons ranging from pure survival and procreative influence, right on over to pure pleasure, co-parenting, giddy screeching multiple monkey orgasm, even love, and a few dozen other potential explanations science hasn't quite figured out yet. Imagine." Imagine, indeed. Could it be that they aren't humans? I'm still scratching my head about "survival and procreative influence." Have animals figured out how to procreate homosexually? If so, they really are smarter than humans.

How about this: "Not to have some level of homosexual/bisexual behavior in a given species is turning out to be the exception, not the rule. Would you like to read that statement again? Aloud? Through a megaphone? To the Mormon and Catholic churches? And the rest of them, as well? Repeatedly." He could read it to the animals at the zoo, too, but since they are not human, I doubt that they would understand. They're too busy crapping on the floor, which is another near-universal trait of non-humans.

As Cole Porter said, "birds do it, bees, do it, even educated fleas do it." And now we find out it's male birds, bees and fleas that do it with each other, so I guess Morford is on to something. And now--for the segue: "If you understand that nature is merely another word for God, well, you can only surmise that God is, to put it mildly, much more than just a little bit gay. I mean, obviously." Unfortunately, ignorant people like me missed the "God is nature" part of the Bible (or is it in the Gaea Chronicles?). And I fear that even my college education, including logic and philosophy, failed to teach me how to make the leap from animals humping to God is gay.

The first comment on Morford's column included the following barb at ignorant Christians and Jews: "And let me get this straight (pun not intended): people willing to believe a 2,000 + year old religion based on pagan rituals think an invisible god created the entire universe in a week yet was so incompetent that she created homosexuals by accident? And if somebody is one of these accidents they're going to be tortured in the afterlife as punishment?" I dunno. Why don't you ask the animals? Morford did. That comment got 742 to 212 favorable thumbs up. Another commenter using the name sf_is_suicidal said: "And you, Morford, are very very boring." That one got 958 to 292 unfavorable thumbs down. I tend to agree with the thumbs-down on that one. Morford is a snarky ignoramus who uses sophomoric humor to belittle traditional religion, but he is never boring.

San Franciscans are still waiting breathlessly to find out if the city plans on requiring churches and synagogues to perform gay penguin marriages.

NOTE: Public transportation prices went up substantially on July 1. A ride on a Muni Bus will now cost you $2.00 per trip instead of $1.50. In exchange for the new higher fares, the Supes have eliminated anger-management classes for the union drivers, cut multiple routes and services, and stretched times between buses (as if anyone would notice considering how rarely the buses ever show up on schedule anyway). And worst of all, they have discontinued giving out free cabin deodorizers to overcome the stench of urine, feces and stale alcohol present on the majority of buses.

NOTE: Mayor (and gubernatorial candidate) Gavin Newsom has refused to release the annual cost of the mayor's security detail. Supervisor Ross Mirkarimi has been requesting this figure for nearly a year, since it doesn't show up in the city budgets and raises the question of whether the mayor has a phantom bank account. Mirkirami wants the mayor to release the figure, or reimburse the city for the expense of police and private security. The mayor's office responded that it would be a security violation endangering the mayor if the figure were to be released. So Mirikirami made a few quick inquiries, and was able immediately to get the figure for the mayor of Los Angeles ($450,000, more or less) and the mayor of Houston ($339,000 plus $76,000 additional pre-authorized overtime for special events and security needs). Knowing how San Francisco politicians love to throw the taxpayers' money around, Newsom is probably spending as much as the other two mayors combined.

NOTE: San Francisco Bay's beloved Angel Island may go on the auction block because of the State's insolvency. It is one of the State parks that will close before the end of the year. One of the problems is that normal people won't pay the fare for the trips to the island, and only San Franciscans have ever even heard of the island. Example: 4th of July Tour: Take the Potomac (FDR's "floating White House") from San Francisco or Oakland's Jack London Square, visit Fort McDowell, enjoy a gourmet box lunch and a docent-led tour (what the hell is that?). Per person: $125.00. Now that's a little high because of the holiday and the chance for a perfect view of the holiday fireworks shows on the Wharf, but regular fare for the same tour is $90.00 per person. The island is actually quite historic. In the early 1900s, it was the West's Ellis Island. Maybe we can just give it back to the Mowok Indians who originally used the island (I never heard of the Mowoks either, so don't feel bad).

20 comments:

patti said...

silo and tango are gay?! and their story may be required reading in schools there?! oh man, i just woke up, my coffee is down one sip and i find out tango and silo are gay...not that there's anything wrong with that...without having strapped on my helmet. that'll teach me to not come here first thing in the morning.

CrispyRice said...

How can God be proven gay when I thought it was already proven that God doesn't even exist, no?

Maybe they meant that the Fates are gay? Or Zeus?

StlDan said...

I do not care who is Gay and what they do behind closed doors. Just don't tell me I have to accept the act as normal or teach my children and grandchildren it is a positive lifestyle. And why do they have to be so militant about it?

Mike Kriskey said...

First of all, those penguins aren't gay. Anyone who watched "March of the Penguins" will know that penguins of both genders will obsessively protect any eggs and chicks they can find if they don't have one of their own.

But even if they were "gay," (i.e. engaging in homosexual sex like bonobos and dolphins do) what would that prove? Animals do a lot of things. Ants wage war upon each other continually. Chimps are visciously violent to outsiders. Male lions who usurp the previous pride leader kill all the cubs so the females will mate with them.

If God is a lesbian, she's a very angry one.

Writer X said...

I guess it's progress that there is an admission that God even exists.

"Mandatory sensitivity reading?" For first graders? They should re-label the class "mind control."

AndrewPrice said...

Am I reading this right? Are they saying that God is a gay penguin?

I agree with each of the comments above.

How there be a gay God if he/she doesn't exist? Why would you indoctrinate children in this silly garbage?

I don't care what people do behind closed doors, but I don't want this taught to kids and I don't think anyone should be forced to approve of anyone else's lifestyle.

And Mike's right, the idea that animals are gay is silly. A dog will hump a table it's the right shape. Does that mean they are tablists? No, it means that they act on instinct and those instincts often aren't very bright.

LawHawkSF said...

Patti: We don't know about Tango yet. Silo's domestic partner (it's New York, so they weren't married) was Roy. Roy is the odd penguin out. Tango is too young yet to have decided which sex he prefers, but after he finishes reading "Heather Has Two Mommies" in first grade, he will undoubtedly have a better idea which way he wants to flap. Silo and his new female mate, Scrappy, are reportedly happy together and planning on filing a suit for sole custody of Tango. The Lambda Gay Penguin Legal Society will be representing Roy, who wants to share custody of Tango.

USArtguy said...

God is gay? I'm sure that will come as a surprise to Him. Reminds me of a run-in I had with a beer spilling, mouth breathing bully several years ago. I believe my offense was being in the wrong place at the wrong time... or maybe simply just "being". Anyway, among his many loud threats to kick my a** and his eloquent names for me consisting of variations of George Carlin's seven words you can't say on television, this man who had never seen me before and knew nothing about me, accused of me of being a "fag". To which I replied "Fag? Gee my wife will be disappointed to hear that".

It would seem that Mr. Morford has learned nothing about God.

LawHawkSF said...

CrispyRice: There you conservatives go again with logic and facts and stuff. Liberals are not bothered by little logical inconsistencies like "God doesn't exist, but even though He doesn't exist, He's gay." I highly recommend that you get yourself right with God, and read the entire Queen James Version of the Bible. Then you'll understand.

StlDan: It's not just the schools. The penguins are getting militant now too. PS 259 (Penguin School 259) in NYC is considering making Tango their principal, and adopting the book as their mission statement.

LawHawkSF said...

Mike Kriskey: And don't forget the crapping on the floor.

WriterX: You wouldn't want the kids growing up ignorant of the important things in life, would you? Without the indoctrination, they might grow up to be gay penguin bashers.

Andrew: I forgot to tell you that I'll be taking some time off to represent the table-humping dogs lobby. It seems there are fascist "obedience" schools all over the nation which force the dogs to give up their God(dess)-given right to fall in love with the Chippendale. The T-HD lobby has a theme song: "Jesus loves the little humpers, all the humpers of the world." It's very catchy.

patti said...

lawhawk: oh lawsy mercie...

LawHawkSF said...

USArtguy: It's all getting out of hand. Perez Hilton called Will I Am a fag. I'm getting very confused. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? But look at the sunny side. Morford says God is gay, so how bad could it be? I need some time to think this over. I've got it! I'll ask a penguin.

StanH said...

Lawhawk, I did wake up today with the sudden urge to redo the drapes?

LawHawkSF said...

StanH: Just make sure they coordinate properly with the sofa. Wouldn't want a home fashion disaster.

Have you considered a penguin theme?

StanH said...

Last evening I was saying my bedtime prayers, “now I lay me down to sleep …you know mauve would look good in the living room… I pray the lord …those shams just won’t do… my soul to keep …that dining room table floral arrangement… if I die … I’ll just die if… well you get the point, weird! Being homophobic and all I frantically searched for a roofing crew, picked a fight got my butt kicked, and well I’m better now : )

LawHawkSF said...

StanH: I know what you mean. The test for me is when I discover I'm holding a coffee cup with my pinkie extended. Time to go get into a good barroom brawl to clear my head. I'm going to have to work on alternatives, though. I'm getting too old for brawls, my nose is bent up enough as it is, and I don't drink anymore. Kinda takes the fun out of it.

USS Ben USN (Ret) said...

LOLOL!
Thanks, Lawhawk, for some excellent humor as well as a top notch fisking of this idiot.

This leftist is the epitomy of hypocrisy, and he doesn't get the punchline of the joke he has become.

He definitely needs a seeing irony dog. Heh.

LawHawkSF said...

USS Ben: Thank you kind sir. This guy is almost impossible to parody. He was the main focus of one of my earlier diaries as well (about gay marriage). The nice part is that he writes this outrageous nonsense so often that I'm never out of material.

Mike Kriskey said...

LawHawk, what I've found now that I'm getting too old for bar fights is that when you find yourself on the floor getting kicked, you should yell, "Time out! Time out!"

This startles the other guy(s) so much that they'll pause for a moment, giving you time to scuttle away.

N.B. This only works with English-speakers!

LawHawkSF said...

MikeK: I live in a city that prints its ballot in seven languages. I've gone them five better. I can say "I give" in twelve languages. And I always wear running shoes.

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