Warning: The End Is Near -- July 8, 2017!!

Put a fork in us, dear reader, we’re done. Apparently, capitalism and consumerism have brought the world to the brink of economic and environmental collapse. In 96 months, on July 8, 2017, we all die. . . except for the red squirrel, which won’t die until April 2019.

So who made this dire prediction? Nostradamus? Edgar Kasey? The Mayan desk planner? Red-squirrel enthusiasts? No. It was England’s own dapper Prince of Wales.

That’s right, visionary Prince Charles, heir to the throne. . . the man Al Gore calls “a thought leader”. . . the man who receives £3 million each year from British taxpayers just to hang around in case his mom dies. . . the man who demonstrated his scientific acumen in 2004 by claiming that daily coffee enemas cure cancer -- a claim described thusly by one eminent cancer specialist: “I’m going to be very angry. Charles is abusing his position to put around wacky ideas which have no scientific credence.”

Bottom's up my Lord!

But, as the red squirrels might say, nuts to science. Who needs science when you have vision. . .

Three days ago, the prognosticating Prince told a group of industrialists that the “age of convenience” was over, and that he personally “calculated” that we have just 96 months left to save the world from the “irreversible damage of climate change”:

“for all its achievements, our consumerist society comes at an enormous cost to the Earth and we must face up to the fact that the Earth cannot afford to support it. . . Nature’s life-support systems are failing to cope with the debts we have built up. . . If we don’t face up to this, then Nature, the biggest bank of all, could go bust. And no amount of quantitative easing will revive it.”

He then engaged in a little numerology, pulling fake figures from the Royal Rectum, to amuse his audience.

Naturally, Commentarama takes such threats seriously. So let us see if we can’t find someone to blame for this problem.

A study by the British government-funded Carbon Trust, estimates that the average binge-drinking Briton produces a carbon footprint of 10.92 tons of CO2 per year. The same group claims the average American produces 21 tons of CO2 per year.

But before you accuse the Americans of letting down humanity, one must realize that the American’s don’t have the same quality role-models that the British do. We, in the states, only have Al Gore to inspire us, while you British have genuine royalty to inspire you. Indeed, unlike Al Gore, a noted polluter, jaunty Prince Charles’s carbon footprint is a measly. . . uh oh.

Apparently, in June 30, 2008, the jolly green Prince admitted that his carbon footprint was 2,795 tons for the prior year. Yes, 2,795 tons!! That’s more than 133 times the average American! But wait, there’s more. That figure does not include the CO2 produced by his farms. That’s another 2,459 tons, increasing his total to 5,254 tons. . . the equivalent of 250 Americans! But wait, there’s even more. This figure doesn’t include ANY of the carbon footprint caused by his official travel or business travel.

We can only guess at how much that is. But here are some interesting hints:

To make his pronouncement of environmental doom, the flighty Prince took a 14-person entourage on a 16,000 mile trip, releasing 322 tons of CO2 into the atmosphere.

In April 2009, the Carbon Prince chartered a series of private flights throughout Europe to promote environmental awareness, at a carbon cost of 53 tons, thirteen times the carbon that would have been released by flying commercial.

But perhaps this is not fair, for he does so love to fly. Indeed, in June 2007, the air to the throne took a staff of twenty on an 11,000 kilometer plane ride just to collect a Global Environmental Citizen prize.

Cheeky sire, cheeky, especially, as this same lecturous Prince once noticed that “a product [like coffee] flown halfway across the world leaves far more carbon emissions in its wake than a similar one made just down the road.” Yes, as do princes, Your High-ness.

So is it really capitalism that has killed the planet or is it effete rich, coffee-enemaist who travel around lecturing the rest of us?

It seems, that if there is such a thing as a crime against the environment, then you, Prince Chuck, are the worst offender. You should be tried, convicted, and then banished to live in a cave. . . without attendants, and nary a medicinal coffee bean. Or you could do the honorable, environmentally friendly thing and compost yourself post haste.

And until such time as this perilous Prince abandons his evil ways or the World stops him, we at Commentarama will do our part to reduce CO2 emissions by simply not being Prince Charles.

Finally, let us add, that is it a good thing that this CO2 fantasy is nothing more than bad science, coffee-enema bad, or we might be truly angry at this hypocritical git. As it is, we are simply not amused.


Red squirrel at night, Prince's delight,
Capitalist squirrel in the morn, Prince's scorn.