Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tell Me About Yur Mozzer. . .

Dear reader, there has been an outrage in the psychiatric community. I read about it in an obscure regional journal called the New York Times, and since likely none of you have heard of this journal, I thought I should fill you in. Apparently, a Dr. James Heilman from Moose Jaw, Canada has destroyed the Rorschach test. Of course, in his defense, what else are you going to do in Moose Jaw during the summer. . . without hockey.

The Rorschach test was created by Swiss psychologist Hermann Rorschach after he wrote his 1921 book “Pyschodiagnostik” -- a real page turner. Rorschach died a year after writing the book, when he misinterpreted some signs that warned of approaching danger.

For those of you who don’t know, the Rorschach test involves showing a series of ink blots to crazy people and using what they claim to see in the ink blots to determine their inner motivations. If you see your mom, you have mommy issues. If you see your dad, you have daddy issues. If you see your sister, you live in West Virginia. To put this in technical terms, a “real” doctor would tell you: “the underlying assumption is that an individual will class external stimuli based on person-specific perceptual sets, including needs, base motive, and conflicts, and it’s covered by insurance.”

Many skeptics consider the Rorschach test to be pseudoscience and they suggest that it is akin to cold reading.

[Which reminds me, we want to send a shout out to a certain reader who has an "a", an "s", or an "e" somewhere in their name, who works in a thankless but important profession, and works harder than everyone else in their office, but who doesn't get the recognition they deserve. . . you're our favorite reader. . . but let's keep that between us -- we wouldn't want the others to get jealous. ;-)]

So let’s get back to Dr. Heilman. Several months ago, Dr. Heilman, an emergency room physician, infuriated the psychological community when he posted all 10 original Rorschach plates, along with some common responses to each image, onto the Wikipedia (a division of Wikimedia, a wholly-owned subsidiary of The Intelligence Suppression Group, Inc.).

According to Gottfried Nussjob, of the Psychological Analysis Normalization Integration Center (PANIC), a trade group, posting these images on the Wikipedia is the equivalent to posting an answer sheet to next year’s SAT, something recently suggested by Joe Biden to raise student performance. Nussjob, thinks this is bad.

Dr. James Heilman
-- Worse than Hilter?

Nussjob initially stated, “The more test materials are promulgated widely, the more possibility there is to game it.” But he then backtracked, when he realized this implied that psychologists could not see through obviously fake answers. He thus stated, “forget I said that.” His attorney later wrote, “The process of making sense of one’s experience is gratifying. To take Rorschach’s test is to make sense of ambiguity in the context of someone who is interested in how you do that. It is dangerous to use these materials without proper guidance. . . like using a Ouija Board alone on Halloween.”

Dr. Heilman responded that posting these plates was no worse than posting the Snellen eye chart: “Yeah, eh. You can go to the car people and you could recount the chart from memory, sure, and you could get into an accident. . . what was your point again?”

Well the point is that we at Commentarama are all about helping our readers cheat on tests. So with that in mind, we’ve taken the liberty of reproducing the offending images below and providing you with a few, good safe answers which will help you fool any court-ordered psychologist.

Let us begin. Take a look at each image and then memorize our explanation below. . .

Bad Answer: Bat, Butterfly, Moth

Good Answer: This test throws you a real curve ball right out of the gate. They want you to answer Bat, Butterfly or Moth -- all caught with nets. See the problem? In reality, this image is an electromagnetic depiction of the human soul, after being crushed by a bus. Tell the reviewer, “I see dead souls.”

Bad Answer: Two Humans

Good Answer: Humans? Like, two hairdressers playing patticakes? Not likely. This image in fact represents three distinct personalities, buried deep within one mind, desperately struggling not to surrender to their urge to kill again. Just repeat that to the reviewer.

Bad Answer: Two Humans

Good Answer: Do you see two waiters with both male and female genitalia? Really? Seriously? Wow. . . how’s that whole crossdressing thing working out for ya? Listen, whatever you do, don’t mention genitalia and don't mention the waiters. Do you remember those silver, perpetual motion birds, with the top hats -- the ones you tip over and they would bob up and down, pecking the ground over and over? That’s what this is. . . just two silver peckers.

Bad Answer: Animal Skin, Massive Animal

Good Answer: This image shows the despondence of being unable to reconcile the relationship you had with your mother with the need to develop a fully mature super ego. . . or it’s a troll riding a motorbike, either answer is acceptable.

Bad Answer: Bat, Butterfly, Moth

Good Answer: This one probably is a bat or a butterfly, but if you tell them that, they will write: “patient lacks imagination, possibly bed wetter.” The better answer, according to the Psych Manual, is to tell them you see your mother. . . in a wig. . . holding a beer.

Bad Answer: Animal Hide, Rug

Good Answer: Don’t fall for this one either, there are no animals hiding here. This is a flattened violin. Your best answer, “It’s the day the music died.”

Bad Answer: Human Heads, Faces (or was that ‘feces’? I’m too lazy to check.)

Good Answer: Some will tell you that this is two dancing American Indians who have bumped buttockses. And you can probably see that, can’t you, you sick pervert! What it really is. . . actually, it does kind of look like that. Ok, run with it.

Bad Answer: Pink Animal

Good Answer: Just tell ‘em its pink. . . only pink. . . and that makes you kind of angry.

Bad Answer: Orange Human

Good Answer: Orange Human? Like orange beef? Don’t tell them that. . . that road leads to thorazine city. This is two dragons, riding on hippos, crushing a herd of pigs.

Bad Answer: Blue Crab, Red Lobster, Spider

Good Answer: Blue crabs? Red Lobsters? Yellow stars? Forget the lucky charms. This is two gay British cops in Paris, near the Eiffel Tower, and they have crabs.

There you go. Follow our plan and they are sure to declare you unbelievably sane. Just remember don’t let them make you change your answers. . . it’s what they want you to do.


ScottDS said...

Nah, they're all about women.

(skip to about 1:05)

BevfromNYC said...

Andrew, that is hysterical! Dave Barry better watch out. Thank you, I needed that.

Tennessee Jed said...

1) Red Dragon 2) Al Jolsen 3) Zombie Jamboree 4) aardvaark puppy 5) ross view of 2 mounted platypusses. 6) Martian cello 7) hallucinogenic x-ray of female reproductive system 8) Napoleon meets Transformers 9) moose using a straw to inhale strawberries 10) What are the little green thingies.

AndrewPrice said...

Scott, I love Get Smart! Great show!

Bev, You're welcome. The world can always use a little more humor. :-)

Jed, LOL! That is a great list! I love the "moose using straw to inhale stawberries"!

LawHawkSF said...

Andrew: I'm with ScottDS. I told you I always see the same thing.

Writer X said...

I see Dr. Seuss characters in every plate. Should I seek therapy?

Hysterical post, Andrew. And I thought the NY Times was only found on microfiche now in the basements of old libraries...

ArmChairGeneral said...

"Bad Answer: Orange Human

Good Answer: Orange Human? Like orange beef? Don’t tell them that. . . that road leads to thorazine city. This is two dragons, riding on hippos, crushing a herd of pigs."

hahahahhahaha I loved this post!

BevfromNYC said...

Doctor Andrew, this is what I see

1. A Pig kissing itself in a mirror
2. Lucy and Harpo Marx doing their mirror routine
3. Composer Arthur Rubenstein being forced to bongo while being threatened with a hammer to the head while looking in a mirror
4. An giant evil clown on a motorcycle
5. The Great Insect Overlord that lives in my bathroom sink
6. What the Great Insect Overlord looks like when I squash him with my shoe
7. The British single payer dental plan
8. A bear climbing a rocky outcropping next to a placid lake
9. A visual representation of "Onomatapoeia"
10. Paris, France on April 24, 2005 (or was that 2003)

AndrewPrice said...

Lawhawk, seek help buddy. . . seek help!

Writer X, seek help lady. . . seek help, in a box. . . with a fox, wearing sox!


AndrewPrice said...

AGC -- I call 'em like I see 'em. :-)

Bev, Nice list. . . British dental plan! LOL!

Writer X said...


I am, I am. After I eat green eggs and ham!

AndrewPrice said...

Tell me, Writer X, vhat shape do you see in zeez green eggs?

Writer X said...

Andrew, I see Helen Thomas. It's disturbing.

AndrewPrice said...

That would be disturbing. . . on many, many levels. I hope the ham isn't shaped like Algore. Of course, it if was, you could probably sell it on ebay. You might even get a few carbon credits out for it!

DCAlleyKat said...

WriterX: Andrew, I see Helen Thomas. It's disturbing.

That's number one! Two elephants trunking up Helen Thomas.

StanH said...

I see nothing but bats man, colored bats, psychedelic bats, …why with the bats. No actually they look ink blots. Funny post!

The “Read More” button is working on your front page.

AndrewPrice said...

Stan, we fixed the read more issue. It was touch and go for a while there, but eventually we solved it. It should work from hereon out.

Bats? I don't see any bats at all. . . maybe a couple gloves. ;-)

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