MSM Advice to Obama: Work Miracles

One thing that makes blogging easy is that the MSM keeps on saying stupid things. This time, it’s US News. They’ve put together a ten point list of things they think Obama needs to do to win back the public. While I’m sure the list sounded good to them when they made it, it only takes a moment’s analysis to realize just how goofy the list really is.

Point 1: Lighten up. US News begins their list by suggesting that Mr. Cool has lost the public because he just doesn’t seem fun enough. So they recommend that he (and no, I’m not making this up) “take off the robot mask and show some humor” by playing football on the South Lawn with Bo. So a man who is criticized for spending his days playing golf, who was laughed at for throwing like a girl, and who needs stitches after playing basketball should now walk onto his front lawn and throw a football at his dog? Why does that sound like a PR disaster in the making? As an alternative, they suggest he could “whiff a soccer ball” playing with Malia. Yeah, that’s a great idea. First of all, a “whiff” means to miss. Secondly, soccer is hated in this country as a Euro-elite sports. Do you really think that will endear him to Americans?

Point 2: Utilize the First Lady. Right, use your wife. US News suggests that Obama hide behind Michelle’s relative popularity by putting her in charge of finding jobs for women. Of course, she’s not that popular, nor does she know anything about finding jobs, and so far her record on projects is pretty darn poor. In fact, she's done so little they should change her name to the First Lazy. Seriously, what has she done since moving into the White House except spend our money on expensive vacations?

Point 3: Feel Our Economic Pain. This one you have to read to believe: “spend some nights in the homes of regular folks and skip the fancy restaurants for Denny’s.” Yes, my peons, I will sleep in your hovels to show you that I am not an elitist. Also, what do you think it would take to get Michelle into a Denny’s? And isn’t Denny’s supposed to be a racist restaurant anyways? How did US News miss that?

Point 4: Concentrate on Job Numbers. This time they want him to create an employment program “where new jobs can be accurately calculated.” Two problems. First, no one will ever believe another number he says. Secondly, what in the world makes them think he can create a single job? Maybe he should also speed up the harvest or teleport Luke off that rock?

Point 5: Promote Healthcare Reform. Right, because people were angry that they didn’t know anything about ObamaCare. Me thinks the real problem was they knew too much! In any event, there is something I like in point 5 -- they want Obama to “take whatever healthcare deal you can get” and then promote the heck out of it. I like that. He should sign on to CommentaramaCare.

Point 6: Hit the Campaign Trail. That’s right, they want him to go campaign for “troubled Democrats”. . . because this worked so well before the election. They also want him to “frame the issues in a populist manner.” Right, because nothing says “vote for me” like an elitist pretending to be a man of the people looking to strike a blow for the common man against the titans of American industry. I’d name someone this worked for, but the only name that comes to mind is Lenin. . . and not the musical one.

Point 7: Tax Cuts. Extend tax cuts to those Americans making less than $250,000. This one’s legit for some of his base (the rest oppose all tax cuts), so I’ll credit US News with a 0.5 out of 7 so far. Of course, this will do nothing to win over the rest of the public, who seem to realize that those rotten “rich” do silly things like hire the poor and buy the stuff they make.

Point 8: Fulfill Promises on Iraq and Gitmo. Wait a minute, I thought he’d already fulfilled his promises on Iraq? I guess the Democrats misinformed me? As for Gitmo, um.... no one really cares about that, and trying to bring those idiots to US prisons will just pick at an old wound.

Point 9: Seize Voter Anger. Yikes. “Steer anger to a new ‘economic populism’. . . talk about the patriotism of shared sacrifice for the common good.” I can see it now: exterior scene, Obama standing on the balcony of the most posh hotel in town, as rows of economic glitterati stand beneath him cheering. “I know you hate me, but you shouldn’t hate me, you should hate bankers and CEOs and anyone who makes more money than you do! Let’s kill them all! In the name of the common good, take only what you need and give according to your abilities. . . and never forget to hate, hate like a thousand suns. We are the greatest Muslim nation on Earth because we hate and we have the freedom to hate. . . but don’t hate me, hate everyone else.” Maybe Joe Biden should test run that speech first.

Point 10: Name Oprah as a Domestic Envoy. Are you kidding me? Since when does the President need an envoy to meet with the American people? And if he does, who represents us in this meeting? I’d like to cast a vote for Hannibal Lecter, that might make the meeting more interesting. Also, isn’t Oprah passé now? He should appoint Judge Judy. . . wait, she’s on the Supreme Court now, right?

There you have it, the “thinking” liberal’s plan to save Obama. All I can say is that if you’re paying for US News, you’re being robbed.