If It Sounds Fishy, It's Only San Francisco

On planet San Francisco, there is no animal, vegetable or mineral which will go unprotected by the "ecology now" crowd. While the rest of the state is watching its crops dry up because of EPA protection of the Delta smelt, San Francisco has bigger fish to fry, er, protect. Like that goldfish that uncaring humans are torturing in every part of The City.

The San Francisco Animal Control and Welfare Commission is proposing a bill that would continue the ban on the sale of certain non-human companions such as puppies, kittens and hamsters while adding the ubiquitous goldfish to the list. I specifically avoided the use of the word "pets," since pets have been banned entirely in San Francisco. Not to leave any fish un-swum, the Commission also added guppies and tropical fish to the ichthyological list.

Now in all those years of living in The City, I didn't know there was such a commission. Imagine the money I wasted on goldfish and tropical fish food when I could have gotten fish food stamps for them. Imagine the money I wasted with private fish veterinarians and medications when I could have had them on Medicaid. And worst of all, I missed out on the Aid to Families with Dependent Goldfish program.

The ban is meant to discourage impulse buys "of pets that sometimes end up at shelters" according to commission member Philip Gerrie. They have shelters for abandoned goldfish? How did I miss that? Goldfish were added to the proposed ban because of "inhumane suffering of fish." Well, I can get behind that. I always suspected that my next door neighbor was a fish-abuser, but I didn't know there was anyone I could report her to. Just think of the suffering I could have prevented if I had only known there were fish police who would remove the tormented fish and take them to a shelter. My guilt knows no bounds.

Pet store owners who have been caught in the act of selling suffering fish to ichthyophiles are clearly upset. "The City is taking more and more control, they are very stupid," said Ocean Aquarium owner Justin Hau. Omigod! That's who I bought most of my fish and aquarium supplies from. No wonder the shop was located in an alley, away from the prying eyes of humane non-human companion owners. I feel so dirty. It's as if I had been sneaking around buying fish slaves from Fu Manchu.

But fish champion Gerrie says that's a response from pet shop owners that was to be expected. "They have a very strong interest to say it's stupid. That's the basic thing with human beings. We exploit everything in the world until it's exhausted." I'm getting exhausted just listening to his explications. "Humans are exploiting the environment--and the fish. There's a huge market for aquarium fish. That creates a demand." Well, not only does Gerrie protect our ichthyological non-human companions, but he understands how the market works too. See? Not all protectors of the innocent victims of human exploitation are socialists.

Gerrie expresses what we all know in our heart of hearts. "Some people argue 'it's just a goldfish.' But some people say, it's just a human, when it comes to some that kill. It's just a matter of degree. Where do you stop?" Good question. I'm gonna spend some time thinking that over. SF Board of Supervisors Member Sean Elsbernd told the San Francisco Chronicle he had doubts the proposal would pass, callng it "another Animal Welfare idea that will end up in the dustbin of history and go absolutely nowhere." Oh? How can a longtime resident of the Queen City of the West possibly think that any idea is impossible to implement there?

I don't know about you, but I take this very seriously. As soon as I'm finished writing this article, I'm going into the guest bedroom and ask my goldfish to tell me if they wish to be freed immediately. I will have to remind them that the closest major town is Bakersfield, and I don't think they have a fish shelter there. Maybe we'll have to take a plane to San Francisco for their release, but I promise they will travel in First Class, with a snack of deluxe brine shrimp to soothe their ruffled fins.

Finally, I am going to write to President Obama about this hidden crisis. I think it would be appropriate for our first black president to issue a Fish Emancipation Proclamation which at the same time immediately halts the fish trade and public auctions of goldfish. Did you know that at these horrendous centers of goldfish trading, mom and dad goldfish are separated from each other, and their goldfish children are sold off willy-nilly to ichthyophiles all over the country. They will never see each other again. Oh, the inhumanity!