Stark Raving Mad Mad Mad World. . .

Once again, it seems the world has gone a little crazy. I’m not talking about our President trying to create an Obama Youth Corp or our Congress housing more tax cheats than a federal prison. No. I’m talking about downright, barking-at-the-moon crazy. Consider this:

Exhibit A: “Qaddafi Calls For U.N. To Abolish Switzerland”

That’s right, Muammar Qaddafi wants the U.N. to abolish Switzerland. No word on whether or not he wants them removed from our minds as well, but details of this plan remain sketchy at this point. I guess I have no problems with this in principle, but I think the U.N. should first test their plan on one of those worthless countries run by an idiot. . . like Libya.


Exhibit B: “Japan’s First Lady Probed By Aliens”

So much for Japan’s reputation as a staid, conservative. . . sane country. Says Miyuki Hatoyama (which is Japanese for “mental”), who is the wife of premier-in-waiting Yukio Hatoyama (which is Japanese for “I’m With Stupid”): “While my body was asleep, I think my soul rode on a triangular-shaped UFO and went to Venus. It was a very beautiful place and it was really green.” And then she woke up in a dumpster with two homeless guys snorting coke off her belly.

At least this explains the priority seating signs.


Exhibit C: “Robot Attacks Swedish Factory Worker”

That’s right, a Swedish built robot reached out and physically attacked a worker, nearly killing the man. Said Public Prosecutor Lief Johansson: “I’ve never heard of a robot attacking somebody like this. Usually they use plasma rifles in the 40 Watt range.” Johansson is mulling possible charges. . . against the robot I guess? If he is, he should know that the robot claims to have been abused when it was only component parts.

And isn’t Sweden supposed to be neutral? They’ve sat out history for this long, why are they now building Robot Holocaust-inducing robots? Somebody should abolish them post haste, before we all die.


Exhibit C: “Lobster Wars Rock Remote Maine Island”

First killer Swedish robots, now killer lobsters? No word on casualties yet, though I understand some Mainiacs have been captured. More disturbingly, three have returned from the front with war brides. I guess we understand where Stephen King gets his idea. . . whoa, did I forget the “s” on the end of that word? Hmm, I should fix that.


Exhibit D: “Britons Angered By Adolph Hitler Sex Tape”

And finally, the coup de grace. . . Hitler made a sex tape. Yep. Let me repeat that. Hitler. . . made a sex tape. That’s hot. Actually, some AIDS group made a Hitler sex tape because they thought this would be a good idea. . . like building a killer robot. And rumor has it, in future commercials, Hitler will be doing the nasty with the übercreepy Burger King “King.”


Killer robots, killer lobsters, alien abductions, Hitler sex tapes, and a re-write of reality? Oh help me Spock! Is it something in the water? Is it internet addiction gone wrong? (You know they have a clinic for that now -- in Seattle. . . and probably on-line somewhere.) Whatever the cause, let’s hope they find a cure. Might I suggest 50 megatons?