Do We Really Want The Hikers Back?

San Francisco Chronicle headline: "U. S. Hikers Leave Iran Prison Fitter With Sean Penn to Thank." By their friends shall ye know them. Iran has kept two of the three American hikers in prison for 781 days, releasing them earlier this week. They were finally released after the Sultan of Oman paid their $1 million bail (read "ransom").

I truly hope the United States government doesn't decide to reimburse the sultan with taxpayer money for the return of these two twerps. It isn't just that they didn't have the brains to stay out of harm's way. It's the question of whether these two were worth all the breathless headlines and sob-stories that led up to their release. In case you didn't know the details, these two (along with a female companion who was released earlier) couldn't find a good hiking trail anywhere in America or Europe, so they decided to take a jaunt around the Iraq-Iran border.

All three were arrested by Iranian storm troopers and tried on charges of spying. Needless to say, they were found guilty. Is anyone brought before an Iranian court ever found not guilty? Whether they were actually inside Iranian territory is debatable, as is the question of whether or not they knew exactly where the border is. So naturally, American indignation was fanned into a blaze. American diplomacy failed to get them released. We must obtain the release of these young American innocents! How dare Iran imprison such fine young American patriots?

Despite my feelings about Iran, its insane concept of "justice," and the imprisonment of American citizens, I can't get too exercised about their incarceration nor too joyful about their release. Let's take a slightly closer look at these sweethearts. Asked why they were stupid enough to explore a waterfall in the wilds of Kurdish Iraq without a map, they acted as if the questioner was the stupid one. "This was never about crossing the unmarked border. We were held because of our nationality. We do not know if we crossed the border. We will probably never know."

I'm not one for believing anything that the government of Iran tells us, but how did the Iranians know what nationality they were when they were arrested inside Iranian territory? Their nationality may very well have been the big issue at the show trial, but it has damned little to do with their original arrest. Sarah Shourd, who was the earliest of the trio to be released (on $500,000 "bail") said: "We regret we didn't know more about the area." Well, duh.

Shourd and Shane Bauer had been shacking up with each other in Damascus before they got the brilliant idea of hiking along the Irag-Iran border with their companion, Josh Fattal. Shourd was studying Arabic and teaching English to our good Syrian friends when they all met up in Damascus. Fattal is a radical environmentalist who joined the other two just before they went hiking. When they encountered locals who spoke Farsi rather than Arabic, Shourd should have been able to figure out they weren't in Kansas anymore. And if Fattal wants to investigate waterfalls, then I suggest he visit Yosemite next time, and gaze at the wonders of Bridalveil Falls. Or Niagara, maybe.

Ironically, all three of these UC Berkeley graduates are ardent advocates of closing the detention facilities at Guantanamo. And surprise, surprise, they compare the two as if the purposes of the Iranian jails are based on the same rationale as Guantanamo and as if the two facilities are like each other. That silliness is worth another entire article, so I won't bother vetting that argument here. But whether it's Stockholm syndrome or their radical education at Berkeley, the trio found very little negative to say about their Iranian captors. (Full disclosure: These clowns are among the multiple reasons why I am not attending my 45th Berkeley reunion, despite multiple pleas, letters and e-mails from the Alumni Association).

At their homecoming festivities, the families of the former captives read a written statement in which they credited the release to Hollywood celebrities and heads of state. Chief among the former was America-hating Sean Penn. It's probably no coincidence that the Chronicle ballyhooed Penn's role, since they also used him as a "war correspondent" during the hostilities in Iraq. Among the latter group, Venezuelan socialist dictator Hugo Chavez (a great friend of Iran) received special notice, as did the Sultan of Oman (for obvious reasons).

We are expected to celebrate their safe return. Cindy Hicks (mother of Shane Bauer) praised her son's brillance in keeping fit by exercising using full water bottles as exercise equipment. Well, I guess that shows that a UC Berkeley education is worth it. "They're both thinner than when we left them," she said, "Their hair is nicely cut. They had slight gray under their eyes because they did not have much sunshine. No vitamin D." Well, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

On the same day that the two fans of Mideast democracy returned to New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad arrived at the United Nations building to make his speech damning American imperialism, touting the elimination of Israel from the face of the map, repeating his Holocaust denial, and charging capitalism with the decimation of the world economy. I'm not so sure that the unholy trinity of Bauer, Fattal and Shourd would disagree with Ahmadinejad.