Survival Of The Flittiest

The San Francisco Chronicle has great news for Californians. We’re number one again. In the Golden State, where the lotus-eaters aren’t prepared for great catastrophes such as a failure of the arugula crop, a shortage of imported merlot, or a Republican presidency, the state has moved to the top of the list in one vital area.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, California shines as the state most prepared for global warming and the end of the world as we know it.

It is the most prepared state for drought and water shortages. That’s because it created a huge drought and massive water shortages for the dispensable folks here in the Central Valley in order to save a worthless fish and prepare for the big anthropogenic disaster to come. Discovering that the San Joaquin Valleyites weren’t dying from thirst, the ecoweenies figured those troublemakers outside the big cities must be surviving on cactus juice, or some such thing.

Since there isn’t a lot of cactus in San Francisco, but recognizing the threat of a water shortage when made-made global warming causes the world to sizzle, San Franciscans (and other urban eco-survivalists) are loading up on Evian, Perrier and other designer bottled waters. There won’t be enough water to grow crops, at least until the Delta smelt dies it own natural biological death, but who needs agriculture when there are all those wonderful canned items such as caviar and bean sprouts? They do grow in cans, don’t they?

The Natural Resources Defense Council (aka Ecoweenies ‘Я Us) also included proactive actions in determining which state was most prepared for rapid climate change. California is in the forefront of measures to fend off the need for eco-survival. It was top of the list in efforts to reduce carbon emissions. The eco-survivalists are preparing to drive the new hydrogen and electrical powered cars which the state government has mandated within the next few years. They would drive Stanley Steamers if they could, but there won’t be any water when the crisis hits. Anything solar, wind or pixie-dust powered is being carefully conserved by the ecoweenies.

The state is also a leader in gasoline so expensive that only a rare few can use their automobiles for anything but vital necessities like getting to the store to buy bottled water. In an excess of caution, the state has also banned coal-fired energy plants which haven’t been used in California in over a century. The state already sends millions of gallons of naturally occurring water every month into San Francisco Bay and out into the Pacific Ocean in order to avoid stressing the Delta smelt by allowing the water to flow into the aqueducts. But just to put an exclamation point on their eco-sensibility, the California Water Efficiency Bill requires a further reduction in the use of water flowing in the state by 20% by the year 2020.

Eco-survivalists are different from other survivalists in that they store water and organic food, but they don’t store guns and ammunition. In the event of a genuine (as opposed to artificial) water and food shortage caused by global warming, it is unclear how the eco-survivalists plan on holding onto their food and water in places such as Oakland and Los Angeles.

Note: I’ll be in Bakersfield most of the day, so I thought I would give you something to kick around in my absence until I return later in the day. Please feel free to discuss what you and your state are doing to advance eco-survival. If you are doing nothing, please explain.