Wednesday, September 30, 2009

There Will Be Anarchy

When last we discussed the swine flu. . . er, H1N1, you may recall the World Health Organization’s marketing-driven declaration that we were all going to die. Well, they’re back. Apparently, the nebulous death threat wasn’t working, so now they’re warning that the H1N1 not only brings death, it brings anarchy -- the two swine of the hampocalypse -- and they’ve included a ransom demand. I’d tell you all about this, but I’m still feeling too lazy, so I’m just going to reprint this article too. . .
“UN Report Says Hamdemic May Result In Anarchy”
“Demands £900m In Small Unmarked Bills”
The swine flu hamdemic could kill millions and cause anarchy around the world unless rich nations pay the United Nations £900m, says a UN report leaked to the UK Observer. The report notes that while only 28 people have died in India, 36 in Britain and 80 in Australia so far, the World Health Organization is confident that the swine flu will improve its potency.

Said, Gregory Hartl of the WHO, “[the swine flu]’s been underperforming, but we think it will step up its game soon and present us with a real shakedown opportunity.”

When asked if he thought rich world health ministers would fall for the obviously false report and pay the money, Hartl noted, “Those guys are some of the dumbest ministers in government, rock stupid. They wouldn’t know the difference between a flu and a flute. They’ll fall for anything.” He then added that most health ministers spent their time getting drunk and trying to count their toes.

“What we need to tell them,” Hartl continued even after being told he was on tape, “is that this hamdemic will cause anarchy. We made a mistake earlier telling everyone that they were going to die. If no one survives, then no one can blame the minister. So we adjusted our data.”

When asked how they came up with the £900m figure, Hartl said that it sounded like a nice round number, and he thought he'd really like to have that much money.

To ensure that health ministers are good and scared, the report paints a disastrous picture of the hampocalypse:
“Countries where health services are overburdened by diseases, such as HIV/Aids, tuberculosis, malaria, megalomania, and type II aggressive jock itch, as well as every other country, will have difficulty managing the surge of cases. This will force workers to stay home, where they will die without health care. As they die, the electricity and water sectors will not be able to maintain services. Zombism is only a hop skip and a jump away at that moment.”
The report continues, “IF suppliers of fuel, food, telecommunications, finance and transportation stop working, the effect could be disastrous. Could? And IF everyone caught swine flu and died, then this could certainly be a scenario one could envision. Naturally, the blame would fall squarely on health ministers, who could have stopped all of this if they’d only sent £900m in small unmarked bills to the office of Gregory Hartl at the WHO. A small price to pay indeed to prevent anarchy.”

But would anyone buy this? Unfortunately for the WHO, no. When the report was first released, Sir Liam Donaldson, chief medical officer of Britain’s Health Protection Agency misread one of the footnotes in the report, causing him to believe that the most likely carriers of the swine flu would be children.

“They’re really insidious, leaving snot everywhere. . . very unsanitary creatures.” Thus rather than pay their share of the £900m, Sir Liam and the National Health Services have instead embarked on a campaign to eradicate children, which they view as a root cause of the disease. “We need to stamp out children.” He then demonstrated how to protect yourself from the swine flu should you come in contact with a child by covering your face.

Sir Liam also warned, “Don’t let one of the diseased little creatures touch you.”

Part of the funding Sir Liam has requested will go toward an education campaign to teach adults about the dangers posed by children. The rest will go toward the cost of traps. “We will be putting traps anywhere these creatures congregate. . . schools, arcades, theme parks. If you see an I-Pod lying in the middle of a large metal trap, do not attempt to reach the I-Pod.”

Sir Liam claims that if the government can successfully eradicate this childhood menace, government estimates of swine fly casualties could be lowered from “everyone” to “most everyone.” Said Sir Liam, “It’s them or us, and I vote for them.”

In the United States, HHS Secretary Sebelius was not so quick to blame children. She tried instead to blame former President George Bush. “If he had taken action against this menace and rounded up the children, no one would need to die now. I hate him. I really hate him. My shrink says I shouldn’t talk about this, but how can you not. I just hate him so much. He caused my irritable bowel syndrome.”

She then demonstrated how to cover your face should you encounter the former President.

When asked if this was really good advice, Sebelius flew into a rage and ended the press conference by fleeing the room, screaming. This forced President Obama to issue a statement promising to eradicate the swine flu personally, “I, uh, plan to sit down with the flu in a genuine discussion of all issues. After that, I think, uh, that it, uh, won’t infect anyone else.” President Obama said that he would next meet with the regular flu, which kills an estimated 30,000 Americans a year.

Vice Messiah Biden could not be reached for comment, as he was out distributing flutes to turkeys.


Writer X said...

With the UN, it always boils down to money and harming children! Too funny! Thanks for the laughs.

AndrewPrice said...

You're welcome Writer X. I wanted to write a serious article about this, but I just couldn't take the UN seriously.

Their report really says there will be anarchy because people will stay home sick, causing the electricity, water, finance, and transportation industries to shut down -- unless we pay £900m.

Give me a break.

At the same time, they completely ignore the fact that swine flu deaths are a drop in the bucket compared to regular flu deaths.

Writer X said...

Andrew, do facts really matter with the UN? ;-)

AndrewPrice said...

Not that I can tell. These reports really were apocalyptic fiction. But then, that's no different than other UN reports.

JG said...

Did you see that article by Dr. Gupta at CNN, where he said he got Swine Flu in A-stan and treated it exclusively with Tylenol and Water...and he got over it in about a week? Yeah, this is the Black Plague we're dealing with here. Plus, now independent researchers are saying that getting the Swine Flu vaccine actually makes you more susceptible to the regular flu. It's a mad, mad world.

Unknown said...

Andrew: Your sarcasm is swinish. While you're hamming it up, millions of little girls in pigtails are sneaking around us adults and coughing at us when we least expect it. While the entire world is in danger, you're hogging the headlines with dangerous anti-scientific propaganda. The porcine pandemic is upon us, and all you can do make piggish remarks. And all that is needed to stop it is to put a mere 900 million pounds in the UN piggy bank. And as the deadly disease trots in on little pig feet, you jest. Shame!

StanH said...

That was funny Andrew! I wasn’t worried however, I knew Barry would negotiate: )

FB Hink said...

I snorted out loud a couple of times which I reserve for comic conversation and not of the written kind - very, very funny. Thanks.

AndrewPrice said...

JG, I saw that. My understanding is that most people who get the swine flu are only sick for a couple days and it's really minor.

I don't object to them being concerned initially, but keeping it up at this point -- and using it demand money for third world countries to improve their infrastucture is ridiculous.

I also saw that a large group of health professionals are refusing to take the vaccine. That's always a bad sign.

AndrewPrice said...

Thanks FB Hink, I'm glad you enjoyed it. We aim to please around here! :-)

Stan, You are a wise man -- Barry will always take care of everything for us! ;-P

AndrewPrice said...

Lawhawk, I'm not hog wild about your allegations.

patti said...

is it wrong i go around public places fake coughing on people?!

AndrewPrice said...

Careful Patti, they're going to round people like you up soon. . . just as soon as this modern-day plague actually starts killing people.

MegaTroll said...

It just irks me that they are using this to try to extort money from us. The UN is shameless. Any idea why the government health people fall this for this?

AndrewPrice said...

Mega, I agree. It is shameless.

I think that governments fall for this because it's easier to just accept it than it is to fight it. Also, if they are somehow right, then you face the problem of being accused of "knowing about the risk, but not doing anything."

Still, we "hire" the government to make the difficult decisions.

Unknown said...

Andrew: Total prevention and "preventive caution" are a European mania. If we carried their nonsense to its logical extreme (as the UN would apparently like to do), we would all live individually in sterile cubicles without any contact with other human beings. We'd never catch anything, but after one generation, there'd be nobody left to spread anything either.

CrispyRice said...

Miss Piggy just asked Elmo to let you know that while generally she loves having her photo used anywhere and everywhere, she's not so keen on being linked (Link Hogthrobbed, that is) to the Swine Flu.

Please cease and desist.

Unknown said...

CrispyRice: Aw, hogwash. LOL

CrispyRice said...

You're killing me, LawHawk!

AndrewPrice said...

CrispyRice, Cease and desist! LOL!

Lawhawk, Nice legal response! :-)

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