Commentarama, Advice for the Forlorn

We like to think of ourselves as well rounded at Commentarama, but lately we’ve gotten a lot of flack for our failure to dispense romance advice. So here it is. Just remember, you asked for it.

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Dear Commentarama,

I go on a lot of blind dates, but none of them ever work out because I’m just not good at the whole dating thing. Can you tell me five things that I can say on a first date to make a woman fall madly in love with me?

Signed,
Clueless Loan Officer

Dear Clueless Loaner,

If you want a woman to fall in love with you, whip out these babies:

(1) Oh, I thought you were thinner. (Shows that you have thought about her.)

(2) You’re wearing that? (Shows that you notice details.)

(3) Did you know that blind dates are more economical than paying for hookers? (Shows that you are financially responsible.)

(4) What happened to your hair? (Shows that you care.)

(5) I have the same dress at home. (Shows that you share her interests.)

These are guaranteed to put the “madly” smack-dab into the heart of your relationship.

Management

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Dear Commentarama,

I’m in love with my boss, but he barely notices me. Sometimes I think he hates me. He has appointed other people to take over all of the most interesting parts of my job, and he ignores me. Still, I love him so. How do I get his attention?

SOS

Dear Hillary,

Please stop writing us. As for your question, try bringing a gun to the next cabinet meeting.

Management

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Dear Commentarama,

I love little baby ducks, old pickup trucks, slow moving trains and rain. But I have leprosy, and that just breaks me up inside. On what date should I tell the person I’m dating about the leprosy?

Stew

Dear Stew,

No need to go to pieces over this issue, leprosy isn’t that relevant in the modern era. But if it bothers you, try finding dates on eLeper.com. They also have good counselors who are always willing to lend an ear.

Management

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Dear Commentarama,

I really want to date “Michelle,” who is a wonderful woman, but is also married, as indeed am I. What makes this worse, she’s married to my boss. He’s a jealous man who never dug coal or visited a Homes Depot Bar like I have. He’s so jealous that he has “Michelle” watched day and night by what I swear is like a private security force. Also, I am the first member of my family to go to college and I fear that she is a snob. Hopeless right? Well, get this. The other day I came across a little document from, let’s say “Kenya,” that my boss wouldn’t want people knowing about. Should I use this to blackmail him into letting me go on a date with “Michelle.” I would love to take his plane for a little ride. Maybe to New York. Any advice would be appreciated.

“Neil Kinnock”

Dear Slow Joe,

Despite the propaganda put out by Hallmark, blackmail remains the surest method for obtaining dates. Go where your heart takes you.

Management

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Dear Commentarama,

I want to be loved. Nay, I need to be loved. I need to be loved just about as much as I hate earmarks. But no one ever wants to give me the love I need, no matter how hard I try. I told my respected friends, who work just across the aisle from me, that I’ll do anything they want for love, but they still won’t love me. What can I do to win their love?

Maverick

Dear Maverick,

Buy a dog.

Management