Magic 8 Ball Says. . . Stay In Bed

Do you believe in fate? Fate believes in you. But never fear, you don’t just have to accept your fate anymore. No no no! The internet now offers you a chance to escape your fate. How you ask? The daily horoscope.

Horoscopes are an incredible resource. Not only do they offer you keen insights about events yet to unfold, but they even tell you how to handle them. So join me as I demonstrate to you, the wonders of the horoscope.

Let’s begin by pulling up my horoscope. I like the website www.defi-fate.com. This is a great site with lots of resources, just be sure you spell it right: its got two f’s, not an f and a c. . . that’s a very different website.

Once the site comes up, you need to figure out when you were born. For those of you with birth certificates, this should be quite simple. The rest of you might need to guess. The Chinese say I was born in the year of the dog. The Greeks say I’m a cancer. Who knows what the Nigerians think of me, but my mom likes me, and that’s all that counts.

Any ways, let’s see, cancerous dog. . . cancerous dog. Ok, here it is:

The undead feature prominently in your life this morning. Bring garlic to work and shield your braaaaains. Your afternoon is a time to relax, comas are possible. Build a bunker for the weekend.

Well, that’s a wee bit troubling. Oh wait, that’s my horrorscope. Fortunately, those things are notoriously unreliable.

Let’s click the other link. . .

The value of money is no match for the value of love, respect and joy in your life.

Yeah, sure, you try using love to buy a burger. . . the cops will not be amused, I can assure you.

Remember your family today.

Do I look amnesiacal to you? Come on internet, this isn’t what I want! I want predictions. I want to abdicate responsibility for my life. Should I turn left or right at the fork down by the old haunted school house? Will my grocer challenge me to Russian roulette? Is today a good day to mention that little STD problem? (Don’t look at me that way, STD stands for “shaved the dog.” It’s a long story.) How about a little help here internet?

Indecision could plague you a little teensy bit today.

I don’t know about that. Let me try this other link.

You could feel a little antisocial. You’ll need to muster up some strength to make things right in a personal relationship.

Sounds like it’s time to settle a few scores. Tell me more!

Whether you’re at work or at play, you won’t be able to sit still for a single second.

Need Preparation H, check. But what’s this got to do with the relationship thing?

Just be sure to save some energy for after dark.

Heh heh, I get it now. That kind of “strength.” Forget the Preparation H, bring some Aqua Velva.

Some leisure time spent alone, perhaps doing crafts, could benefit you on this rather changeable day.

Alone? You’re talking about a relationship with myself? And “doing crafts”? Is that some kind of euphemism I’ve never heard before? Actually, that’s kind of clever, now that I think about it. “That’s when they caught old man Wilson doing crafts behind the bleachers.” I like it! You crafty devils.

You’ll pick up a trick or two from watching others.

You mean the two blonds in Apartment 7B? I’ll check that out. . . if you insist.

Be cautious in being too frank to your loved ones, this may damage the relationships.

Yeah, probably not a good idea to mention this to anyone.

Travel is favored today.

Travel? Now you lost me. What kind of travel?

You might like taking an elderly neighbor on a ride to a park for some fresh air.

Doubt it. . . wait a minute, what does this have to do with getting crafty?

It is not patriotic to spend money on old people.

** scratches head **

Your elderly neighbors mock you when you are not around.

Whoa, hold the phone! Am I misreading this whole thing? What exactly do you mean “take an elderly neighbor for a ride”?

Hope and change.

What?! Who put this horoscope together?

Take projects one step at a time. Silence is golden when exercising your craft. The Soybama Green plan does not include people.

You know what, I’m thinking this might not be the best day to look at my horoscope, even with the nice logo. . .



Maybe I’ll just stick with the lotto numbers. . . I think I'll get better odds.